A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for three years, and have lived with him for two. We love each other very much and would like to marry. He has one child from a past relationship, whom he supports both financially and emotionally. The child- who I think of as my stepson- visits us on a regular schedule and I have a good relationship with him. So far, so good- the problem is his ex. When I met him they had been apart for seven years,(she left him for someone else)and always had a stormy relationship. Now-in a nutshell- she behaves as if I had stolen her man! She creates conflict at every opportunity, disrupts the visitation schedule, cries whenever he meets her to discuss their child, argues about absolutely everything and refuses to acknowledge my existence- she is a nightmare! I have tried my best to be a good step-parent, but I feel I am getting lost in their conflict, which has nothing to do with me- or their child, for that matter. Until I met him, neither my partner or his ex had been in a committed, co-habiting relationship since they broke up. She clearly got used to being the central woman in his life, and although they weren't sleeping or living together, he got used to treating her as such. I feel that enough is enough- she has had three years to adjust to the fact he has a new partner, and I am started to get frustrated with him for being weak with her. They are going to mediation (at my instigation), but it seems to be taking forever and still nothing is resolved. How long should I wait for this to be sorted out? Should I just cut my losses and get out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply, and I do see what you're saying. But I have spent three years rising above it, not getting involved, trying to do the right thing by their child. I am actually very distant from her- and if I ever do speak to her it is with civility. I'm not in competition with her because I don't need to be- I'm his partner, and she is a brief past relationship from 10 years ago. He has a deep connection with and sense of responsibility towards his child and I respect and encourage that, but as his future wife I absolutely feel I should be more important to him than his ex is!
Ultimately, this isn't really about her as much as it's about him. I feel he doesn't deal with her difficult behaviour very well, and that is what is starting to cause strain in our relationship. I feel he has let her get away with her behaviour because of some sense of misplaced guilt he has towards his son, whereas I feel we should all be getting on with being a happy blended family. What are step-parents supposed to do when they're stuck in the middle of a decade-long conflict?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): Your partner is stuck between but the really important thing is that you maintain lines of communication with him at this difficult time. This could, with the right approach, serve to strengthen your relationship rather than weaken it - a weird sounding turnaround but I really think its possible. I think his ex is throwing her weight about because she can and also because she has nobody else. If she did her partner wouldn't put up with her behaviour so she would have to modify herself. Your partner needs to stay calm, and so do you. By 'rising above it' and not lowering yourself to her level of immaturity you will be the winner if you like. If you start getting tit for tat with her, your partner will only see that contest and get fed up with both of you. Instead by staying calm the focus will be most definitely on HER behaviour. I don't mean this literally of course but there is a saying.... "Give them enough rope and they'll hang themselves".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
Thank you so much for reading my question and responding. You're very perceptive- she isn't in a relationship with anyone, and you are right- he's a lovely guy, loves his son very much and is absolutely trying to do the right thing. I suppose my problem with it all- aside from all the disruption she causes to my domestic life and relationship- is that they have had TEN YEARS to resolve their differences and move on. If I was the "other woman" and had had an affair with him I could understand her behaviour, but they weren't together when I met him- they had split seven years before! I just wonder, is resolution ever going to happen? I want to get married and have a family of my own and feel unable to do so while this conflict continues....
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A
male
reader, 2old4this  +, writes (7 January 2008):
 It doesn't sound like you need to cut and run as of yet. In fact in sounds as if he is trying to do the right thing by his child. I think you have her pegged pretty well. She has been so used to just being them she has gotten a little dependant on the situation. She probably has a few latent feelings towards him as well. Also you havent said whether or not she is involved with someone. My guess not. If he has talked to you in a way that suggests he may want to try it again with his ex then you might have to let him. But this doesn't sound like the case. It sounds as if he is a good guy that wants to do the right thing. The mediation was a good idea and I think maybe you should stick around a little longer and see how that comes out before you do anything you might regret.
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