A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Yesterday my boyfriend of a year broke up with me. It is all rather confusing. But this week I saw a girl had been texting him and he was trying to bring up her self esteem by calling her hot but I saw it as flirtatious. We met up and we made up. Then the next day I went out withmp my girls and I rang him to let him know I was okay and he just said I'm sorry Hollie I can't talk to you now I'm sorry. So I got the first taxi home and cried my eyes out on FaceTime to him. Being drunk I don't remember the conversation itself but because I was angry and drunk I said some hurtful things. I was then dropped to his house which is an hour away and he burst in to tears and said I can't do this anymore. I couldn't understand we had been fine the days before but he turned and said that he no longer was in love with me but he still loved me. I really did not know what to say. Then messaging him this morning I asked him when he felt this from and he said from a couple of weeks ago, but I knokw he was lying because that week he had sat at the end of my bed crying begging for me not to break up with him. So I then suggested that because he had exams coming up was he pushing me away because he was stressed and he said the that he needed space to get his head right and do what he needed to get done. So I asked if after exams are over if he could try to get back from where we started and he said we shall meet up and see how it goes. I really am so confused I don't know if it's a phase that he thinks that he only loves me as a friend and will regret it?Or he means it? I really do not know what to do? Do I try to convince him he still loves me as I really do feel this is out of the blue?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2015): Don't be confused. Let me explain something to you. I told you in my first response to your post that your ex was interested in another girl, and he wanted a drama-free breakup. Well, you've seen that for yourself.
Now he's nurse-maiding your feelings with all that crap about, maybe he'll regret it and comeback. That isn't the case at all. He's trying to keep you at peace and make you behave. He's trying to bow-out with the least amount of drama like I said. Like when you slowly back-away from a growling pit bull, trying not to make it attack.
You have to be mature about this. You've got friends spying on him; and you're still doing followups and snooping around. Get a grip, girlfriend! Stop pretending to be naive.
Let the guy go and move on. It's time to be an adult and face things that are difficult. We breakup and we have to survive it. You and I both know what he's doing. I read a lot of posts, and can pretty much tell by the way a person writes that they are pretty smart and that they already know the answer to their posts. You're pretty smart, and you already know something's up. You didn't have to ask us to figure that out. He's trying to be the nice-guy to both you and the other girl. He wants to let you down easy.
It's time to be a woman. You don't need some guy coddling you like a three-year-old crybaby. You have a right to be hurt, because you've got feelings. You also have a brain and you know how to think. So use your grey-matter and figure it out. It's time to let go. It's time to checkout some new guys, and have some fun! Stop centering your life around Romeo and his spur-of-the-moment replacement. He's got a new girlfriend, and it suits him fine that you're stuck in one place. So he doesn't have to worry about you finding someone better. He's getting over you just fine!
I think you deserve someone better, and you need to fly solo to give yourself time to heal. You also need to chill with the drama-queen effect. Get out there and just flirt; but avoid letting anyone pull you into any "rebound-action." Don't be sex on a stick, or the flavor of the week for some jerk. Bide your time, and heal your heart.
You've got some thinking and growing-up to do.
You're a big girl now. Time to shake-it-off and pull your act together.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (18 April 2015):
 One year together and he's already noticed someone else ?
He is hedging his bets just in case he and the later girl don't work out. do not wait around for him. He is showing you no respect at all.
You should not even consider wasting your time, while he is out there chasing girls.
He is not sorry at all. He simply lacks the courage to admit that he's been a rat and now he wants you to wait around, just in case he has a spare moment to knock on your door at 10pm and expect you'll be waiting there for him with loving arms to wrap around him.
I am so sorry you have had to suffer this rat.
But I am pleased for you that you have discovered this fact early on in the relationship. Be thankful that you were only with him for one year.
I am sure that you hoped it would become something more. But in one year he has failed to deepen his love for you, instead he has been busy looking out for his next girlfriend.
Please demonstrate your respect for yourself. Block him. Adjust your phone so anyone calling you has to leave their name and number and if any message is from him just delete it.
Schedule some activities with family. Ensure that you are around people who really do care about you or at least do respect you. He does not qualify to be on that list of good people.
And get busier in your life.
Now is your time to build your emotional resilience so that you are stronger emotionally.
Next time go for a guy who delivers, does not just promise you that he is genuine and really does respect you.
You know, deep down, that you deserve better, much better, than the way he has been and is treating you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 April 2015):
 It means that he is brazenly telling you that you are plan B. It means that now he wants the new girl, and if everything goes well he'll stay with her- but if something should go wrong, he is making sure that Old Reliable you is still waiting for him with her tongue hanging out.
He really does not like to work without a safety net, does he ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI found out he's been texting the girl further to the point where they kissed the day after we broke up. I have been talking to friends and they believe he will come running back when she's not interested because, they would receive messages from him when I couldn't reply to him straight away to make sure I was okay with him. It just doesn't make sense. He then rang me the other day to say to give him space his decision is final but he then said who knows I will regret it in a couple months and then we can try again. I'm so confused with it all. What does this all mean now?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 April 2015):
 Bonnie Raitt sang a song called "I can't make you love me (if you don't)" and it's so true.
He's already checked OUT of the relationship by "building the self-esteem " of some other woman. GOOD LINE...
he's done with you honey.. begging or trying to convince him that he "loves you" will make you look foolish and in the long run make you feel bad.
Hold your head high and move on.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 April 2015):
I have to agree that messaging a girl to tell her that she's ''hot'' is an opening bid in his quest for her.
Sadly i feel that he's come to the point where he feels he's climbed the mountain with you, and once he reached that point he scanned the skies for the next mountain to climb.
I don't see his actions towards you as genuine.
Sometimes it's time to recognise that a person we thought we had a future with is no longer as interested.
Next time observe a guys actions, towards his friends, his family and even his work colleagues, if you get the chance.
Because the true character of a person will be revealed.
If a person is weak it will show.
If strong there will be evidence.
The character of a person is their greatest asset or the cause of their downfall, at times.
Fancy words don't impress me. It's actions and behaviour that count.
Genuine reliability you can rely on consistently is something you can trust.
A Grand one-off gesture (like a huge bunch flowers would fall flat with me if the following week I found he'd been enjoying a few lap-dance bars while away on a trip.
Talking about solid plans for the future with a clear plan in place is far more impressive, be it ever so humble, than him extolling what he'd do if he won the lottery.
I truly thing your boyfriend has moved on emotionally, already.
That is heartbreaking I am sure.
But he has done you a favour. He's made it clear that he's not available any more for a committed long term relationship.
Better to discover this truth now - that he's not smart enough to recognise all the beauty and strength within you now, than to waste another 5 or 10 years with him and then discover he was never truly ''yours''.
Look for a nicer guy who is eager to be the man you need and want in your life.
Let that new man convince you, by his actions, that he values you and wants to impress you with his commitment to you, before you commit to him. If a man has to work really hard to get a girl he tends to prize her more.
The heartache for you will hurt, you will grieve for a while.
So make a plan for you. Get a stylish new hair style. Focus on giving your exercise plan more attention. Visit a nearby area you've always meant to visit. Find out what volunteering activities exist in your area. Look up some new recipes. Find one you like and try it. If it works out well then invite friends or family to sample it or maybe cook a meal for them. Read some autobiographies of people who've overcome great challenges.
Find the strength to enrich your life with new activities and experiences and you'll grow as a person.
And do construct a list of the character qualities you feel you need in a man. Then think about that list and visualize the man with that character: how will be behave, act and react?
That way you'll be better able to recognize him when you do meet him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 April 2015):
 It's NEVER, NEVER,NEVER,NEVER,NEVER,a good idea to try to "convince" someone that they love you.......
LOVE comes from WITHIN a person... and if you have to try to inject them with love (convince them that they love you)... then it should be clear that the "love" that might result from that is the equivalent of giving someone CPR, then "convincing" them to stay alive.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 April 2015):
 Hey there. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Breakups are so tough, confusing, and painful. Hang in there.
I know you don't necessarily want to hear this, but I think he's probably interested in that other girl. I think it's too much of a coincidence. I think he's distracted by her and it has caused him to forget his feelings for you at the moment. But I also don't think he wants to be honest with you about that, either. I think he feels guilty and doesn't want to hurt you.
You can try to meet up after finals, but I think that won't go the way you're hoping. I don't think this has anything to do with finals. I would try my best, if I were you, to start trying to move forward and move on, and not hold on to hope. Because I think you may wind up being hurt in the end, I'm sorry to say.
As for it seeming like he loved you, and that he must stil love you - people get confused sometimes. He may have been acting normal or like he loved you, but he may have just been unsure of his feelings at that time.
I wish you the absolute best. Keep your head up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): I have a rule, if they say its over or they need to get their head together then I don't beg. When I was told my present boyfriend he felt it was time to break up I just replied there is nothing more to say is there and walked away.
I broke my heart as I turned and I was crying as I walked but I walked away without drama.
It makes them think and you leave with dignity.
I would just let it go, you don't want to be classed as a drama queen and it will confirm why he left.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2015): I think your boyfriend is interested in another girl; and he doesn't know how to break it off with you clean and drama-free. Noting the drinking, crying, and fighting. He expects you to dramatize and emotionalize all over the place.
All that crap about loving you, crying, and wanting to be with you was a performance for your benefit. So he wouldn't look like a jerk for wanting to breakup with you. He didn't want you to dump him, he wants to dump YOU!!! When the news gets out that you broke-up; he wants to protect his male-ego by being the one who made that final decision.
He needs more time to get things adjusted behind the scenes for his transition from being with you, to being with the other girl he's interested in.
You can't convince people they love you. Either they do, or they don't. You have to "convince" yourself the reality is, that it might be over between you. You'll be better off letting it go and moving on. He doesn't have any responsibility for making another girl feel she's "hot."
Especially some girl you know nothing about!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 April 2015):
 You know... It's NOT your BF's JOB to boost "some girl's" self esteem by calling her hot - that is a LOAD of BC.
I think if your BF (for whatever reason) do NOT want to date you, you need to ACCEPT it - and I would suggest you CUT all contact, so you can "get over" him.
It seems like you two take turns crying and begging... doesn't seem like great relationship.
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