A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm in a relationship of 6 years with my first girlfriend. The problem is I'm still hooked on a girl I've been in love with for over 10 years. She also happens to be a really close friend.When I met my current girlfriend, I was living away from home and at a time where I really wanted a relationship. She came along, we got on great and I thought that I should go for it. In honesty I never thought it'd last this long and having never had a girlfriend, just went through the motions. Things have been going well, we rarely argue, graduated uni together, moved houses and jobs together and we get on great with each others family. she adores me and is totally devoted to me. we've been through a lot.the problem is that i can't stop thinking of the other woman. we were so close throughout school and college and was often seen as, by friends, as the couple that never was, even though that was all i ever wanted.at first, i rarely thought about her, and when she had boyfriends, time passed and life went on. recently though over the past few months, I can't get her out of my head. I think of her when I wake up in the morning and before I go to bed. my heart skips a beat and I sigh every time she comes in to my head. every love cliche becomes true.Over the holidays, I told a mutual friend of the other woman and I that I still had feelings for her after all these years, and these feelings have never been as strong for my current partner. saying out loud made me seemed to bring it all the the forefront. i tried, over the last ten years to tell her how i feel but i never came out right. recently when we met up, i told her that i loved her and that i always have. she said she loved me too and nothing more was said. in the past when i've talked to her, she said she was hurt by me going out with another girl. every time she has ever been out with or even kissed another guy, i feel as if i die a little inside.my current girlfriend and i have virtually no sex life. it's entirely down to me because i simply most of the time don't want to. i have a mixture of feelings from anxiety over performance and lack of attraction to her. it hurts her and she feels that I don't want to be with her, but i can't cause her any pain. she is so over-in-heels with, that i'm scared it would destroy her if anything happened between us. she knows how close me and the other girl are and always have been, and it has been the cause of friction. she goes quiet when I mentioned her name and once accused me wanting to be with her, which I didn't deny. I cannot lie to her.I suppose in a nutshell is the question is I don't know what to do. throw away a 6 year relationship to be with a girl who may reject my advances or stay with a girl who loves me and would anything for me, though I'm not sure I want to be with her.apologies for the lengthy, probably inane, rambling to get to the point but to me this feels like the tip of iceberg. my own doubt and self deprecation means that I'm certain i'm just being narcissistic and melodramatic. just writing this has been a struggle and had me close to tears. sad i know.
View related questions:
never had a girlfriend, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): Well, you have some more deciding to do don't you. To be honest the fact that you rarely argue and that you get on well in life is an excellent start towards a great future.It is up to a guy to try and make a woman feel good and attractive and tell her she looks pretty - this makes a woman sparkle and you might find that you enjoy your girlfriend a bit more if you try this or take her shopping or buy her a treat.Perhaps you should take 2 pieces of paper and try and look at what attracts you to a person, mentally, emotionally and take the physical side out, I know this is important but I have experienced that it is the other things that build for a lasting love and happiness and intimacy not so much the physical, if you have a good connection with someone it will last a life time. One day sadly your libido will decrease when you are old and you might wonder what on earth you have thrown away or simply find that what you thought was a shiny life on the other side of the fence lost all it's luster. My heart skipped a bit with lot's of people and oddly enough not so much with the person I am probably most compatable with. But my life is actually happier and better for making the 'sensible' decision.If you decide to do two lists, then try to look at the character of this girl that you are infatuated with - if you find that she is so much better in every way than your girlfriend then go for it, but you would need to look very deeply and carefully before understanding this
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 March 2011):
 I think you already have thrown away your six year relationship by your actions. However, your girlfriend will be hurt, but resilient. You ending things and letting her go, especially since you and she didn't make any kids together, is what needs to happen.
Your 6-year girlfriend needs to be with someone who didn't get with her simply out of a desire for a relationship. She needs someone who loves her as deeply as she is as capable of loving them.
When you finally get together with this woman you've known for 10 years, you'll find that having is not quite so good as wanting. Your current girlfriend will then be free.
Will she be hurt? Of course! She thought you loved her as much as she loved you. But I'm thinking she'll get over it after the initial pain and shock of change. I totally wouldn't be surprised if this didn't play out again in 5 years, only you'll not be able to get this woman out of your mind because of how good and loving she was to you.
But, you gotta follow your heart. I'm glad you didn't cheat on her (I hope you didn't!), and you breaking it off and not "hedging" with your current GF is a good thing. Go set your girlfriend free and follow your heart. If this other girl rejects you, it's the risk you have to take, because your current girlfriend does not deserve a guy who does anything less than love her with all of his heart and soul, and you don't.
...............................
A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (2 March 2011):
 It seems to me as though you are cheating both yourself and your girlfriend of being happy. Sure, your girlfriend is in love with you and would do anything for you, but you're completely using her. You do not love her, at least not to the capacity that you love this "other woman", and you're cheating her of ever meeting anyone who could love her by staying with her.
How do you know that you'd even be happy in a relationship with this other girl that you've been friends with for so long? You said you've never dated her, so how would you know you'd even be compatible as "lovers" or "life partners". You've been through a lot with your current girlfriend. You've conquered a lot together. You've moved, changed careers, graduated college - these are all things that couples fall apart over, and you've found a girl who's still in love with you and adores you throughout everything. And you'd really be willing to give that up for a girl that you haven't even kissed? Bad move.
The sex issue is your own problem, not your girlfriend's. YOU are the one refusing sex with her, and I guarantee you're psyching yourself into not being attracted to her. You don't stay with someone for six years (without marriage and kids) if you're not attracted to them. You're putting your friend on a pedestal that she hasn't even earned. That's not fair to your girlfriend at all.
If you're really thinking about this other woman night and day, you need to break up with your girlfriend and be fair to her. I realize that you want to spare her feelings, but you'll be hurting her more if you stay with her just as a temporary thing until you decide that this other girl is who you really want. Not to mention if you were to ever get the opportunity to cheat on her with your friend. You've already told your friend that you're in love with her, which is worse, I think. You need to leave your girlfriend and get this sorted out for yourself before things get worse. Good luck.
...............................
|
