A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello! a few basic info first: I'm currently a 19 y/o college student and living with my dad and brother. I'm unemployed as for now but I'm also thinking about getting a part-time job somewhere. I have a boyfriend who's 27 y/o currently and he's got a job and is making a reasonable money to support himself for his everyday life. I met him last year online until we became a couple, 4 months later. We're both Asians by the way, just that different race. Also, we're both now in a serious LDR for almost a year and getting stronger but we haven't met in person, and that is quite the problem. Because by next yr he's gonna be shipped to the Army which means we'll have to stay in a LDR for about 8 years and that's very long. (and we're both aware of the fact that there's this age difference/gap thing but we both realized that it doesn't matter and shouldn't actually matter, for what matters is that we love each other so much and that will never be a hindrance for us.)So, there's this one time we started talking about what we're gonna do about it because he told me that he might not be able to wait for that long. We tried to talked it out and solve it together until my boyfriend told me that we should meet before he goes to the Army. He said I shouldn't worry about the expenses, he's gonna provide it for me but just that when that time comes, I should be ready completely to meet him. On the other hand, however, is that my dad nor younger brother doesn't know about 'us'. They don't know yet because I haven't told them about it. The reason why is that I fear that they may reject him or so just because I haven't met him in person. My dad is strict, actually. And he's paying for my tuition too as for now and for the rest of my necessities, just like what the typical Asian parents do, which means I'm still not that kind of independent woman in terms of being able to support myself financially. And there's once he mentioned that if he caught us (my brother and I) being in a relationship or he found out, he's gonna kick us out. My boyfriend and I, we love each other very deeply. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I seriously don't want to lose him. With regards to my dad tho, as I said earlier, he's a strict person and he wants me to study hard to get a stable job someday. I don't have problems with that though because I know I'm doing well in my university too, even after having my boyfriend come into my life. My dad also, I remembered he said to me once that if we (my brother and I) even get to have a partner in life, that person should meet his standards. But then I also heard him say that if we even find someone, that person should be the matured kind of person who'll know his/her responsibilities and has a goal in life. I tried to compare his words to what my boyfriend is like and I thought that he's got more than what my dad could ask for. I know as for now I might not be capable of supporting myself in some ways (financially or the like) and I still live with my dad and I guess, I'll still be with him until I finish my studies for about 4 yrs more or something, but I know that I'm already capable of making my own decisions and standing for it and what i believe.. and that I'm an adult now and I could be independent myself. But regarding with my situation with my boyfriend, I was actually thinking about telling him if he could just be the one to visit me in my place, so that I could perhaps, if I get the chance, I could introduce him to my dad. Besides, this semester I'll be graduating too and I think it would be great if he could attend my graduation too.. but that's what I just think. I'm not sure if this idea would work... I haven't told my boyfriend about this for he is really busy everyday, and we don't really have time talking for hours unlike before when he's still studying in his university. We don't really have problems with each other, just that we haven't met and we both really want to meet in person even just for what, 3 or 4 days. I think it would be worth it even though it looks really short. Right now and since the day we talked about this, I feel pressured I don't know what to do. I mean, we can't hide this relationship to my dad either.. I thought a simple lie or what they call white lies would help, like, telling my dad me and my boyfriend already met before in person just so my dad won't think of him as very suspicious and untrustable.. I hope you guys could help me ease this kind of pressure I have.. I really don't know what I should do. Do you think I should go with my boyfriend's plan on meeting him in his place? or do you think my plan of having him visit me here would do? I want to really see my boyfriend in person too as much as he wanted to see me as well but I'm worried of hurting my dad because of my decision.
View related questions:
money, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 He needs to come to you and your family (*never* you alone!) or you cut all contact because he's definitely grooming you.
Also, army members don't spend 8 years solid deployment. I wouldn't trust him.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 You are aware that this man could be dangerous and not be who he says he is yet you are still thinking about going off somewhere on your own to meet him in a strange place? Please do not do that. I understand that your dad is strict with you, but if you go off somewhere you could potentially be meeting a murderer or a rapist. You are very young compared to this man and I do not see why he would want a life partner who is so young, and deployment for 8 years does not sound right, his story is not adding up. It sounds like he is grooming you. I know legally you are an adult but you still need to be careful. If he really wanted to he could have met you within the last year.
Talk to him about your idea for him to come to your graduation and meet your dad and brother, I bet he will make an excuse as to get you on your own.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2016): hello! thank you for your answers, I really appreciate it. I'd just like to give an update about this though. With regards to few of your questions, before we even know each other, and when we first became friends he told me he's already planning to go to the army. And why I cannot be honest to my dad about us is only because I met him online and not yet in person which I believe as well, just as you say so, is quite unusual and could be dangerous. Other than that, I don't think there's something more I could lie to my dad about him.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (7 September 2016):
 The problem here is not that it is a LDR - there are far more issues here that should be ringing massive warning bells in your head.
Does your *boyfriend* know how old you are? Have you been truthful?
Red Flag 1: The age difference - this is huge for someone of your age and experience. I would say the majority of 27 year old men would not be interested in 19 year old girls for long term relationship material. You might not want to hear that, but sadly its the truth.
Red Flag 2: I am also a little confused..... is he in the army now? And if so, why is he being posted somewhere for 8 years? This seems a little odd to me. Most deployments are not this long. A lot of people don't even stay in the armed forces that long!
Red Flag 3: Why have you not met before?
Red Flag 4: You believe every word this man is saying to you, when in reality he is a complete stranger. Words on a computer screen are easily typed, and you can create a whole new persona in a single click. How do you know 100% that what he is telling you is true?
With regards to your Dad - if you cannot be honest with him about this man, then deep down you know that something isn't right.
Sadly I suspect this man might have been leading you on, with the aim of getting you to have sex with him after a sob story of being shipped off for 8 years and "it might be the only chance we get"... kinda thing. He will then disappear and you will be left feeling used and alone.
I would ask your Boyfriend to come and meet your Dad. If he is decent, honest, and truthful he will come and be a man, introduce himself and tell your Dad how he feels about you.
IF baulks at the idea and tries to talk himself out of it, giving every excuse he possibly can, then you know he is only after one thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (6 September 2016):
As you are younger, he should visit you - safety first.However, while I am all for LDRs, I don't think this will work out because, if everything he's told you is true, only meeting once before becoming an army LDR for 8 years will be too much. Army wives and husbands struggle, often after being with their partner long enough to get married and/or have children before the army. You have no foundation with this man to withstand 8 years of LDR and not be two completely different people through it. You'd be putting your life on hold for 8 years for someone who is essentially a stranger - you'll have very little in person experiences to get to know him properly and a lot of people in the army don't get much time to write home or to LDR girlfriends they barely know.I'm sorry, OP, but this doesn't sound promising or like something your dad would approve of. That said, if you do want to meet him anyway, he *must* come to you and meet your dad. If he says no and says you either go to him or break up/don't meet, then he's not as genuine as you think and he could be dangerous.
...............................
|
