A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Should I tell my future boyfriends about my abusive past? This might be a bit long, but I want to be completely honest here.To give some more information, about 4-5 years ago I was in a relationship where I abused the man I was with, both physically and mentally. When I would push a matter he'd give in. At the time I found it hard to hold myself back, and things progressed. I'd hit him if I felt he pushed my buttons too far. I would also push him away, refuse to speak to him, ignore him, yell at him for the tiniest things, like one time he brought me a cup of coffee and the cup was too full. I had a go at him over it. At one point during that relationship I did open my eyes to see that even if he accepted this behavior, him allowing it to happen didn't make it right. And that no matter what he did it didn't excuse me hitting him, or verbally abusing him. It took time to understand that even if he was both taller and stronger than me, and physically capable to block me, walk away, protect himself, it was still wrong of me. I did apologize to him. I also owned up to what I had done in public, when coincidentally the subject was brought up in a group of friends and I was directly asked if I had ever hit him. I am ashamed of what I did and I will not lie and pretend I never did it.That relationship did end. And I entered a new relationship. I promised myself I'd never hit again, or get to the stage of being abusive and manipulative. Yet I slipped up once, and hit the new man. He was a very angry man who prior to me slapping him threatened to throw my belongings out the window. Thanks to my relationship with that man I understood what it was like to be at the receiving end of such emotional and physical abuse. He never hit me, but would throw things (same as I had done in my past relationship) and show behavior like I had shown my previous boyfriend. Fly off the handle at tiny things, be extreme. Threaten me, hover over me, yell at me, name calling. Through the relationship with this angry man I was calming myself down. I didn't react as before, but worked on keeping my cool. This is also thanks to him punishing me whenever I spoke up against him. I learned to shut up and take it. I suppose there's nothing so bad no good can come out of it. After that relationship I entered a new one, which was brief. In this last relationship I could find myself angry, but at no point did I take it to the previous extremes. I have improved, and gotten better, and I am proud of that. Me and the new one didn't last long (a few months), but things ended on a friendly note and we are still in touch, knowing we both feel for each other as more than friends, but the timing isn't right for a relationship. However I was wondering if I should tell him about what I did to my last boyfriends, especially the one who I repeatedly would hit and treat horribly. I at first thought I'd take it with me to the grave, but I've been feeling guilty about it. This new man, which I am still in touch with, thinks I am a very nice and lovely woman. He sees nothing bad in me, and while he can see I am not perfect, he thinks I am too innocent and sweet to be cruel. I feel guilty receiving this credit from him when the truth is I have done cruel things.For the future, is my past something I should be honest about with new boyfriends? Especially if they think I'd never do such a thing? Because that's what the new man is saying, he'll look at me if we've had a disagreement and say everything is alright, because he knows I'd never hurt the ones I love, and that I do not mean any harm by what I say. It's eating me up inside that he thinks I can never hurt, when I already have so many times. Thank you for any comments. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): Thank you for the answers. They have been helpful. I have been to a therapist because of a difficult childhood, and feel that things have gotten better for me. I understand more of the source for my behavior. I learned to respond with anger from my father, and my mother who was emotionally unresponsive. It is a very difficult thing to have to control yourself at all times. I don't think many people have to be so aware and conscious as I am. I am thinking I will tell future boyfriends about this anger problem I have. Not to prepare them, but I want to be honest and not hide part of who I am. I think it might take some time for me to speak about it though, I am afraid to scare them away.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2011): First off, you are still young, lot more could happen.Yes, any serious relationship you get into should involve disclosure of this, because it is an extremely serious issue.You need to get professional help, because you more likely than not will do this again unless you understand the roots of it very well and preempt any events.Your abuse in the future, as you get older and life circumstances change, could manifest itself in various ways (affairs, substance abuse and use, self harm), and people do hurt their spouses and children, sometimes horribly so."For the future, is my past something I should be honest about with new boyfriends?"Yes."he knows I'd never hurt the ones I love"He thinks that, but you could harm them, and in various ways, that is why professional counseling is so important at this age...so you don't do it when you are 40 and you have destroyed a family."It's eating me up inside that he thinks I can never hurt, when I already have so many times."It is eating you up that you have hurt, not that he thinks you cannot hurt. There is a difference, and what you are not understanding is how relationships work without this drama and conflict (physical or mental).Tell him but only after you have sought out professional help for this, and disclose this with professional help. By the way, abusers are almost always created by being abused themselves, neglected, or disregarded, in their family of origin or their childhood.
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