A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This post seems a bit contradictory to be frank but I need someone to see from my point and I don’t want to be blasted for it either. I will try keep it to points and cut it down as much as I can. I rewind 10 years maybe... My husband was my then boyfriend – we got on like a house on fire. We were never apart, we were best friends and basically inseparable. One night sitting on the couch his phone buzz’s. A message from an initial, not a name but an initial that he said was a friend. It read: ‘Hi Babe, are you calling tonight?’ So I get a rush of fright, panic and anger. Babe? Calling tonight?, and he got very shifty. There were a few more instances of calls and messages from this girl on a couple of occasions. I took his word that it was from a girl he knows from a shop he uses out where he works and they are friends – thats it, nothing to it. He said he didn’t know why she would be asking stuff etc. I gobbled it up, gave him benefit of the doubt and agreed to put it behind us. I also did a bit of research and found out she is basically the towns bike... (Classy) Bit know to be a bit troublesome.So 2 years ago, after a Christmas night out my husband went downstairs and something got into me to check his phone. There were messages to a number, - nothing too suggestive until I read down a bit more. A picture of a girls cleavage (could not see face). I freaked, I wont lie. I shouted and screamed and went psycho. So, im roaring and making a fool out of myself and demand to know who this person was that he was sending messages to and to my horror, it was the same friend from 10 years ago.We rowed and stayed apart for 2 months – probably not long enough but for the sake of our daughter, I did not want my daughter to grow up with separated parents.I struggle with confidence. I am very insecure and to be honest, 2 years later, I still question trust. I have wondered at times should we bother. I do love him, I know he would do anything for me but I ask myself ‘is this enough’.I went out Saturday night at last minute with friends. He stayed in and this was not nor ever has been a problem with me going out meeting friends. A relation of one of my friends was out. I don’t really know him that well. We were all drinking and having a great time. He passed a shy comment that I was looking well and didn’t like how I disagreed with him. I told him I wouldn’t be used to receiving compliments. He was very and I mean very flattering. I was beginning to really enjoy it. So he asked me to txt him. He put his number into his phone and I have not txt him. I cannot forget him though. I feel guilty but I have only ever been with one person, my husband. He is my one and only but Im wondering does he appreciate me and let him know what did happen on my night out or do I keep it to myself even though I am screaming with joy inside.
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best friend, christmas, confidence, insecure, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2015): Hold on,hold on there for a second!
So, to sum it up=you believe your husband is cheating and has been having an affair throughout your ENTIRE relationship, however you got back with him for the sake of your daughter?
And what are you teaching her exactly?
That she should stay in an unhappy marriage for the "sake of the children"?
You are asking how to fix things? WHY? Why shouldn't he equally try? It takes two to tango.
A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (22 July 2015):
 What you experienced with that guy from the bar is a sign of neglect, a situation that many women in marriage experience from their husbands for variety of reasons. Neglect is the leading cause of cheating for married women.
Soon glad you did not fall into that trap but also notice that what happened to you, getting some attention, is probably something your husband maybe missing so it may have felt good that the town hoebag gave him some.
So you both haven't cheated and looks like you both want to do anything for each other. That makes it a clean slate and a common aim, so all you got to do is find the way to express each other. That, however, is something I don't know what to advise because I don't know your personalities but the topic of your convo needs to be needs you both have.
So, explain to your man the issue of neglect, that romantic attention and being noticed by him is not something unique to you but for every woman. Explain how his attention in early days was what got you attached to him and how you want to recreate that, to fall in love back again. Ask him what he wants in return, what would you need to do to get him to have that spark to pursue you again.
Being given attention is, frankly, a biological need for a woman and he needs to know that and accept it. It is the attention that gets a woman to attach to a guy and stay attached which creates loyalty. Some guys are after loyalty as a commitment but that works in the man's psyche because men don't need attachment to be loyal. Females do.
So have this general discussion and find ways to provide each other some attention. If you don't have ideas then just look up on the web ideas for romantic couples. There are thousands. Find some that fit you two. Suggest them, do them and go from there.
It is important to want to recreate the romantic spark, to fall back in love again. I know because I had to do it. So whatever I described is what I did and it worked.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2015): Thanks for the comments.. @garbo- can you advise how I bring the subject up with my husband- how he can bring me back to last weekend where I felt needed and wanted.. Thanks x
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (21 July 2015):
If you haven't had sex with that guy then getting some flattering comments from him is something to box into your memory bank with a note that you are still cute and appealing then go back to your marriage and fix it. This means, to answer your question directly, don't bother telling your husband anything but, at the same time, be sure you cut off all your links with that other guy who, frankly, just wants to bed you... I think you know that as well. Remember qualities that the guy used on you, the nice words and attention, then work with your husband so he can do those qualities.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (21 July 2015):
 Revenge sex is delightfully tasteful, at the moment.... but - ultimately - leaves a very bitter aftertaste that will NOT go away......
Good luck....
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