A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. I cheated on my husband.I've only ever had sex with my husband, but I did have a boyfriend before him. We've been married for a few years now and everything is great. This ex-boyfriend contacted me on facebook, and I told my husband. He said I can talk to him on FB, but he wants to see what is being said. He totally trusts me, but wants to make sure this EX isn't writing inappropriate things (my husbands words).My husband went out of town for work last weekend, he only goes away for work about 3 or 4 times a year, but 'J' my Ex has been asking to meet up and just talk about old times and our mutual friends from high school. My husband (wonderful guy that he is) said I should meet up with 'J' while he was away so I wouldn't be alone all weekend. My husband set some simple rules, I have to drive myself, I can't drink a lot so I can drive home, and no slow-dancing, he doesn't want another guy getting excited over his wife.I wasn't sure, but since my husband is so trusting and open with me talking to my ex, I thought OK. I arranged to meet 'J' at this local bar, and yes, my husband knew about it and where we were going, and I promised to be home by 11:00 for our nightly phone call that we do when he's out of town.Well, 'J' and I talked and had a few drinks, then he said want to go out for a smoke. I said sure, it was raining, so we sat in his car and smoked a few cigarettes and talked some more. .......Not sure how to say this, but we ended up kissing, and he put my hand on the front of his jeans. I could tell he had an erection. For a few seconds, I was really turned on, then I freaked out. I am a married woman, and I left his car, and went home.My husband knows I dated this guy before him, but I've always left it as though we just had a few heavy make-out sessions, reality is though, I gave 'J' a bunch of handjobs back when were dating. My husband doesn't know this.Do I tell my husband about my past with 'J'?, and what about this incident. It's cheating in my mind, but I stopped before it went real far. I know I can never communicate with 'J' anymore. It would just be very wrong, but do I need to tell my husband anything about my past with 'J', or about kissing and touching the front of his jeans last weekend? I don't want to lie to my husband, but I also don't want to start a huge issue over something that didn't happen.
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cheated on my husband, erection, facebook, hand-job, kissing, married woman, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2012): Honesty is always the best option.
You have no control over the other guy and what he will do.
Those who told you that it is "not that big a deal" are missing the point. You are having an affair, perhaps mostly an emotional affair, and went past the point of emotional affair to beginning physical affair.
If you and your husband don't get a grip, more than this will happen.
"My husband (wonderful guy that he is) said I should meet up with 'J' while he was away so I wouldn't be alone all weekend. My husband set some simple rules"
This is all a bad idea...really...husband is out of town, husband sets the rules, the rules are out of town.
You should be setting the rules and not hanging out with male friends and drinking with them when husband isn't there. You husband should obey the same rules in his behavior.
Why? Because cheating happens for very clearly defined reasons in almost all cases and the setup for it starts long before the penis enters the vagina.
So some reading about cheating online, then figure out if you want to lie to your husband for the rest of your life.
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (21 January 2012):
 You've taken the appropriate message from this experience -- you're not going to be in contact with 'J' again.
From what you've told us about your husband, no good will come from confessing. If he happens to ask you why you're no longer in contact with 'J', tell him that you got the wrong vibe from him. That's the truth.
There's an old saying --- good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of experience comes from bad judgement. Chalk this up to experience and move on.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (21 January 2012):
 I don't want to lie to my husband, but I also don't want to start a huge issue over something that didn't happen.Something that didn't happen? So because you didn't have sex with him, kissing your ex somehow now translates to nothing? You KISSED your ex and you're a married woman. You cheated; plain and simple. It's not like he forced himself on you. You met up with him on your own free will and you took it too far. I'm sure if the situation was reversed, you would feel betrayed and upset if you found out that your husband kissed some ex girlfriend. It's best to tell the truth. You never know, your ex could even tell your husband what happened. Don't you think it would read as suspicious that you now all of a sudden no longer want contact with your ex? I know it would be to me. Honesty is the best polity, ESPECIALLY when you screw up and it involves another person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2012): I think that your husband had every right to set boundries, extremely specfic or not. I think that if you want your husband to ever trust you in the future you need to tell him asap. I think you need to block 'J' from contacting you in the future, (facebook, cell #, etc.) and if you ever see 'J' again and tries to talk to you he needs to know that his behavior was unexceptable. Trust is a wonderful characteristic to possess in a marriage and a horrible thing to loose. It will make or break a relationship! Good luck, I hope things work for you!
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (20 January 2012):
 I agree with MarieClaire. First off, your past life and sex life is NOT your husband's business. You haven't done anything wrong withholding this information because it's your right to have it and do what you want with it. As for the kiss, I think you were caught up in the moment, and the drinks may not have helped either, but you realized your error really soon after you had kissed him. You know what you have to do to prevent this in the future, so I really think it's best to move on from this and chalk it up to drinks and maybe being sentimental about old times.
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