A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi.I am needing advice.When I was 18/19 I got engaged to my ex, we were together almost three years. I was 21 when we split.I met my current partner within three months of my ex and I splitting up (my ex cheated and got engaged to someone else)my issue:I have been with my partner for almost two and a half years (in march 2017)I am almost 24, my partner is almost 23.My partner treats me well, but I could say I'm getting a bit bored of our relationship...I guess I haven't done anything super exciting in my life, I'm kind of looking at my life going "I'm 25 next year...I haven't traveled, I want marriage and kids" etc...on the other hand...My partners life style revolves around 4wding and camping...Although I do enjoy it from time to time, he's more into doing it almost every weekend.I brought up two weeks ago that I want to go traveling and he got mad at me cause he pretty much thinks I want to go traveling with out him and sees it as if I go traveling... we split up...My partner and I talked about this and said "How about we compromise and when we get married (he always says a long long long way down the track) that we can go to Europe for a honeymoon...My issue I guess is that I'm 25 next year, he won't tell me what age he wants to get married and have children so I'm stuck thinking "when" and I don't want to be a mother at the age of 27...30...or older..When I bring the topic of children up he tells me he doesn't want to hear anymore of it...he also has told me that having a child would ruin his life..(his lifestyle more like) (I have friends with children and I have worked in childcare for 6 years)(my partner and I have lived together since three months into our relationship (with his mum) recently moved into a rental together september last year)The plan was also to buy a house but I don't know if I want to now as I kinda want to travel and well...I have lent like 6 - 10 thousand dollars to my partner for car, for his life style etc...yes I have told him that "if you want it you save for it" but then things come up and I just give him money anyway...I kinda feel like I'm going to be waiting until I'm 30+ for marriage and children as he's so into his 4wding, doing cars up and camping and he hasn't even saved any money to buy a house yet, in which he says "in a couple of years" well HOW MANY YEARS!so my question is...Do I stay with this guy or do I leave?So sorry for the very confusing post....I keep remembering stuff I want to add.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your advice.I forgot to add that the last time I gave my boyfriend money, he took 6 months + to pay it back...He doesn't want to buy a house until his like fourteen thousand dollar loan is paid off, or most of it (which he got into from buying a car he then couldn't afford the repayments) before he met me!Before I moved into his mum's with him, I had just over thirteen thousand dollars (I lived with my parents at the time)... but now have five because of all this "waiting for money back" thing...I have also given him most of my grandma's inheritance money for this car crap (yet to be paid back)I used to be such a great saver....and then it stopped when I met him...I guess my mistake was saying "we can go halves in everything" ...didn't realize I would forget how to save...We both go halves in rent/bills etc.But with reading what I have just written, It's time to put my foot down and start saving for myself and not give him any more money!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 You two are probably good people in your own rights, you just don't sound right for each other as you want completely different things.You are clear about what you want: you want to travel NOW, then immediately afterwards settle down and have a family.You boyfriend, on the other hand, wants to have fun (on HIS terms) for the time being. I would not lay ANY store on what he says about wanting to settle down in the future. You've heard the saying "tomorrow never comes"? Keep saying that to yourself because he will keep putting you off.There is nothing wrong with what either of you want (although, in your shoes, I would maybe be a little less rigid about timelines). The problem is that you both want different things.I think it would be a fabulous idea for you to go travelling - with or without him. Can you find a friend to go with you if he decides his hobbies are more important than what you want? Being away from him may make this selfish man-child realize what he stands to lose, but I wouldn't hold your breath on that. He will probably be too busy playing to miss you.So your relationship may not survive and, to me, that would be a good thing. If you go travelling, you are more likely to meet new people and, with any luck, someone who will be a lot more compatible with you than your current boyfriend.And STOP GIVING HIM MONEY! It is YOURS. Use it to pursue your dreams. If he wants to participate in expensive hobbies, he can earn the blooming money to finance himself.Start making your travelling plans. I hope you have a wonderful time. If you don't go, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Don't let that happen. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): My first thought is that you yourself are conflicted about what you want out of life right now. You want travelling and adventure, but on the other hand you are in a terrible rush to settle down, marry quickly and have children...all before 27?!Let me tell you something. We are in 2017. Most women don't have children until their 30s or even 40s. I guess that seems old to you right now but it will come up FAST....before you know it! So I would say CHILL OUT about the needing to have kids before you reach the ripe old age of 27! No wonder your boyfriend has a panic attack every time you bring up kids! You guys are at an age where you SHOULD be doing things like camping, 4 wheeling, and travelling- having fun and building a romantic relationship together. Because believe me, when the kids come there is no more time for all that stuff or even alone time at all. Romance is hard to come by, it is attending to the babies 24/7. Good luck taking a vacation, and even if you do manage it, most of it will be spent listening to whining changing diapers, listening to "no I don't WANT to do that".Look, kids are GREAT when the time is right. Just give yourself a chance to live first. You don't know if this guy you are with is right to settle down with yet. You have major barriers to work out right now, before you get tied to him for the rest of your life. One red flag is the money. He seems to be a taker rather than a giver. I wouldn't like feeling used like that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 January 2017):
 Work out a payment plan for the money you lent your BF. DO it now BEFORE you two break up. Seriously.
Then you sit down and figure out WHAT do I want. Make a list if that help.
Where do you want to travel? For how long? How much would that cost you, how long would you have to save up to do this? What are your career goals? How do you achieve those?
H is NOT ready for marriage or kids. That is why he can't give you a time line. It's not important to him at the moment. JUST like you have a passion for traveling HE has a passion for cars and 4WDing. Except HE is going after and doing what he loves, you are still in the "dream-phase".
So GET your ducks in a row, SET up a document for the BACK payment of the loan. XX $ a month for XX months. Then YOU figure out WHAT goals you want to go for first and HOW you achieve that.
And AFTER you have sorted out the money/loan/payment thing YOU can break up, move out and start living the life YOU want.
WHY stay with him when he has totally different goals in life? And you are not happy with him?
It seems like you WANT him to conform to what YOU want to do and he wants YOU to conform and enjoy what HE enjoys, that is just not going to happen. SO WHY drag it out?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): He has told me he wants marriage and children but not right now, but hasnt said what age he wants them, just says when he's ready.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2017): I think you should absolutely leave. This man seems to want everything on his terms. If you bring up what you want/need, it's tossed aside and treated as something that will be looked at SOMETIME. Sometime never more like. And yet he.....does what he wants, when he wants and wants you to put up and shut up. If you leave him, you will be regaining power over your life. It sounds as if there isn't very much love left anyway and I can't say I'm surprised. Go and live your own life, not his. I know we all know that we only get one life, but it's so true, you need to look out for you and your needs as your current boyfriend isn't doing that for you/with you at all. Good luck and have fun!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2017): He is happy having another mother pay his bills and clean up after him, while he plays in the dirt. He is not an adult, you are wasting your time more importantly your future and all of your money.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (15 January 2017):
 It sounds like you guys are on complete different pages.
I'd ask for him to pay back what he owes you and think about if this relationship has a future. You want to travel and he's happy with what he's doing at the moment. You want to be married and have kids, do you even know if he wants that? You can't plan a future if your other half won't discuss it therefore I think you need to decide whether you can go on wondering what the future holds or find someone who's on the same wavelength as you are.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 January 2017):
 27 - 30 is still young, in terms of starting motherhood!
Tell him you'd like to go travelling with him. If he doesn't want to, you're probably very incompatible. He's only 22/23, which is an age where most guys (and many girls) aren't even thinking about settling down. He's still a young adult and wants to do his thing, just like you want to do yours (travelling).
I don't think he's the one for you, but I also think you'll struggle if you focus too much on giving your life a timeline that includes "definitely" being a mother before 30.
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