A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm a bit stuck and need some advice. I'm 34 and met a girl who's 30 twelve months go. It was instant, very strong, attraction. Butterflies, the works for both of us. After more dates we found we liked each other very much and both thought we had founf 'the one'. It was so exciting. Then the hitch came. My new job that I had just got meant I was 3 hours drive away. She'd tried a long distance relationship before and it didn't work. She then told me it's going to be too difficult and we had to call it off. I was devastated and so was she. We kept in touch for all this time, even once every 2 months meeting for a drink, as friends, although neither of us had bothered to date anyone. I'd always hoped we could be together one day. I couldn't move closer unless I knew it would work, but she wouldn't date because of the distance. Chicken and egg scenario.A few days ago I felt my world had collapsed. She hadn't replied to my texts or was very selective at ones she answered. After LOTS of pursuing why this was, she eventually come clean and said she's started a relationship with someone. This someone was a good friend 15 years her senior and has now developed into something.She almost pleaded with me to stay friends with her.What do I do? On one side I think do the sensible thing and ignore and forget her. The slightly bitter side of me thinks that this bloke has seen an opportunity and stepped in, and maybe it won't last.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): hi,I'm the person who wrote the question.Thanks for your answers, especially the anonymous one.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2013): Do the sensible thing and ignore and forget her.Sure, 3 hours away is not impossible, however she kept her options open and is now with someone else. It's not fair to you to keep holding out, hoping in the wings, while trying to maintain a purely platonic friendship when you want much more with this girl.It's selfish of her to want you to stay a friend, because for some it eases their guilt, or in case things don't work out, they have an out, but for the other person, their life is on hold and not worth it if both don't see the value of what they had. If someone really felt you were "the one" then nothing, not time, distance or anything else would impede them wanting to be with you, even if it would be LDR for a while, as you planned your potential future.Don't think those feelings of early excitement are unique. It can happen many times over, and when you really have THE ONE, it will happen naturally, it will seem easy, it will seem right, and it will be possible, and both will work towards it and for it to be together no matter what.Your new job may no longer be a "hitch" but instead a blessing in disguise which proved she was not strong enough to withhold a LDR, perhaps because of her past examples, or she just isn't someone that can live with that. It just is.Don't ever wonder "what if". You had that opportunity and SHE felt it was too hard, or impossible, and SHE chose to end it.Not only that, she didn't admit when she began seeing the "old friend" who she is now in a relationship with. You had to pursue, A LOT, which says a lot.She ended it, she moved on, but kept you in the wings. Don't blame this other guy, he didn't use an opportunity or don't make him out to be the enemy - she had free choice, and she chose him. Whether it works or not, it was her choice.Don't hold out or hope for one day, you might still have a chance. What happens if they don't work out, she gets in touch in future, you two try again, and she goes quiet again after a while, when she gives ANOTHER someone else a chance? It's not a sure thing, and it does not sound like she is the one after all.No amount of pleading should guilt you into staying in touch - that will be nice and comforting for her, while it will HURT you every day, knowing it could be you and it's not.For your own good, your own peace, your own happiness, cut off ties. Send a last good bye email, explaining how you felt she was the one, but due to circumstances and her choice, you could not have the LDR, and she now has moved on and has someone else, so to protect your own heart, you have to move on too or it will only end up hurting you more and more. Wish her well, wish her happiness, then cut off contact. Make sure you block her from all sites, because I can guarantee you, sometime in the near future she may come knocking again, and you will know you are second best - her 1st option didn't work out.This "other bloke" did not do anything wrong. Remember, she broke it off with you, so she was free, and he was not wrong to then share his feelings. It was HER CHOICE what she did, who she chose. For me, no 3 hours or country would keep me away from the guy I felt was THE ONE.So move on, and find happiness with someone who is willing to take every risk, fight every fight, challenge anything, to be with THE ONE who means everything to her, as she may mean to you.Good Luck and be happy.
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A
female
reader, MsSadie  +, writes (13 August 2013):
 Are you capable of only thinking of her as a friend? It doesn't sound like it, but if you are able to care about her and communicate with her in a strictly platonic way then don't lose the contact.
More likely, though, you won't be able to get over your feelings for her and "what could have been" if you remain in contact. The problem with that is you won't be moving back within this woman's vicinity anytime soon which means that she won't date you, as she's made clear. Obviously she's been open to seeing other people if she has a new man, so it would appear that her interest in you isn't quite as persevering and ultimate as yours, sorry to say.
I'd like to see you take the same step forward that this woman did. You don't have to forget about this woman forever since you only live three hours away, but you should definitely open yourself up to other potential dates. You never know if you'll find another "the one" in the meantime, and it's to better to be out there experiencing new relationships than to narrowly focus on one relationship that is rather uncertain.
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