A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I had been friends with this guy J for 2-3 years. We were always attached to other people and were always just friends. J is leaving for another state so we met up for lunch, the first time ever we met one on one and the chemistry was so unbelievable that by the time we left it was 3am! We chatted a lot more and met up twice after that and confessed that we think each other is amazing and we can see ourselves happy together. Of course, we are still with our partners (we actually talked about it and we were in the same situation where we do not love our partners 100% but we think it may work due to other reasons - for him: his girlfriend's religion and moving to the same state as him; for me: the boyfriend treats me very well and we've been together for 3 years though I had been thinking about breaking up with him as I do not see the chemistry). J also said that he can see himself marrying his girlfriend OR breaking up tomorrow as easily.We say we are Cinderellas as we happened to meet when both our partners were away (intention was purely casual lunch) and we never expected to click so well. We actually only had 3 days before our partners came back. In fact, it may sound cheesy but I was even thinking I would have married him at the moment if he asked. We concluded that we would have left our partners for each other - IF he's in my state or I'm in his state. Don't forget that he's moving thousands of miles away.I am sure we are good together as we realized we have a lot of similar values, backgrounds and interests. Can't deny the spark. Of course, i'm not sure if it's because that we were both bored with our current relationships or initial sparks are due to some element of danger and forbidden affairs.We kissed but didn't have sex as he felt guilty. We talked about it and concluded that we have too many obstacles - both our partners, him moving away, and eventually religion reasons etc and we decided to stay friends.However, I can't stop thinking about him. And I really wonder if I should give it a shot or stay with my current boyfriend. I know it sounds selfish, but maybe you don't usually marry the person who fires you up the most. Maybe you just settle with someone who is able to satisfy other needs. Or I should break up with my boyfriend and find someone like J who is available (I'm already 32.....). And I know I have already let my boyfriend down by cheating/almost cheating on him depending on how you define it. It is not fair to him but that's another story.I think J knows my intentions but I know he is also being logical by saying that we should stay friends. His girlfriend is also back in town so we are not chatting as much as before.Now the question is........should I pursue J given I think he will make me really happy - and how, given we have so many obstacles. Or should I confess to the boyfriend, and settle down with him? It will be a boring married life, but I know he loves me and he will always be there.........
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 December 2012):
 You clearly don't love your current boyfriend and have already thought about breaking up with him, so why would you go on to marry him? Especially when you describe that life as 'boring'.
Marriage isn't a game, it's a 'lifelong' commitment to a person that you're supposed to be madly in love with and if you're going through with it for 'security', knowing that he will always be there, isn't that a little selfish? To yourself as that's not what you really want, but also your other half? As he thinks that everything is fine, and you both reciprocate your love for each other, when deep down, you're just settling for second best?
If this other guy will truly make you happy, then why wouldn't you pursue it? If you wanted to be with your boyfriend, there wouldn't be 'another guy' full stop.
I think deep down you already know what you want to do...
A
male
reader, troyuniverse +, writes (26 December 2012):
i dont really hav an answer for this but i just wanted to let you know im goin through almost the same thing so your not alone
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