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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I have just found out that my boyfriend (whom I have crazily fallen for, never had a man treat me so amazing) is expecting a baby with his ex. I am a jealous person (unfortunately) and I see myself becoming pushed down on his priority list when this child is born. My heart feels broken and I feel sick to my stomach at the same time. I am torn between staying with him and letting go of the fact that he and I won't be able to experience it first with each other...or if I should save myself from disaster down the track and exit now. Anyone who has experience or insight into this situation I am dying to hear from you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): If you are a jealous person and are worried about moving down on his priority list then leave, 100% leave. From someone whom is speaking from experience you are no longer 1st in his life, you are no longer the most important thing to him, you are no longer the person upon whom he makes his future decisions based on. His ex will be ringing him daily, he will be in contact daily to talk about his child. No matter where you guys are or what u guys are doing, as soon as she rings he will drop everything and answer, similarly if she needs help he will drop everything and go running to her. The hardest bit is when you are sat at home when he goes to see the baby and all u can do is sit there knowing hes having special parenting moments with his ex. You always fear that them reguarly playing happy families together will rekindle their relationship and he will go back to her.
His ex will forever be in contact with him and will always be apart of his life, neither of ypu will escape her. Every time u see the child u will be reminded of his ex, how the baby was made and all the happy first time parent moment's they have shared. U will not be able to give him these firsts, she will. Eventually u may end up unwillingly depising the child for it and the child doesn't deserve this. U will always be second,if not third best as he will do everything in his power to keep his ex happy so that he maintains regular contact with his child. Think of all the things they will share together... the scans, the birth, first word, first day at school. You will not be a part of these. When the child is older and stays with u two, you will have no say over the child, when they are misbehaving and being rude to you you cannot do anything as his ex will not want you parenting her child, even when the child is trashing your house, telling you to die (yep ive had that) because ur keeping their parents apart you have to sit there and take it.
If you KNOW you can handle this and not be jealous then stay. If you have any doubt whatsoever leave. I dont meant to sound harsh but im giving you my experience of it. Its damn hard watching him and his child together, i never thought jealousy could be so consuming. I stayed, I am now pregnant by him, and I still feel third best sometimes to his ex but I always and will always feel second best to his child. Yes the child loves me now, we get on great but I dont feel a connection to her, I dont feel motherly towards her and I dont feel like her family. I am having all the "firsts" with my pregnancy but he constantly reminds me hes already a dad and has been through all of it before and if I am honest its like a slap in the face and it takes away the specialness of it. as much as I am excited about being a mum and as much as I love my partner with all my heart, sometimes I wish I had never stayed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): I'm sorry to seem harsh when I say this, but you clearly stated that you fear being lowered on his priority list. That in itself,tells me you are not ready or mature enough for this kind of relationship.
As a step-parents, which I presume you are not, just a girlfriend... you have a role/responsibility to take on for this child too. And much of those tasks consist of not stepping on the mothers turf as playing 'mother', but at least be a role model and support for their co-parenting relationship. The child is not at fault, ever.
It might not seem like it, but there will always be someone else. You should want more for yourself and what you want now is a relationship with someone you can experience those firsts with and no past baggage to follow you in.
Your boyfriend may love you a lot, too. But I suggest you leave to let him manage where his relationship with his ex may be. Trust me, you don't want to be ditched by him if ever discovered that he wants to give his previous relationship another try just because they have a child together... It does happen.
Save your dignity. Wish him and his new family well. And down the road when they have settled into their positions and if he is still single... if YOU are still single... and YOU can handle being with someone with a kid, maybe you can work it out.
You are still young and there will be someone else!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Awww, how sad. I really feel for you. The baby will mean a lot of changes and it will also mean that the ex and your boyfriend will forever be bound together by this baby. I take it your relationship with your boyfriend is relatively new, given that the baby news has only just been announced? Are you prepared for the possibility of them getting back together? Will you be able to handle your boyfriend's adoration of the baby once it is born? Will the baby being so much a part of his life cause issues for you? Will you feel jealous of the baby? I guess you won't really know how you're going to feel until the baby comes, I guess it comes down to how much you love your man - is he worth sticking too and can you love his child as if it's yours?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): If I was you, I would leave. No question about it, I know that I am not strong and confident enough to handle such involvement with an ex (I'm 23, btw).
Since you seem to feel the same way, I suggest you leave. If it bothers you now, it will continue to do so.
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