A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I recently asked a question about being married and my husband being not rich. He works really hard to provide for me and and our child. I have 30,000 pounds in savings. I haven't mentioned it to my husband as this was before we got married, as i plan to save it towards a home or for our child's future.My question is should I be using this 30,000 to be helping him pay the bills etc so he feels less pressurized to provide for us? and I had feedback here to share the money with him.However my husband is not so good with money and i was saving the 30,000 for a rainy day. Im reluctant.My question is how do i go about sharing it with my husband? if i say i will pay for dinner or pay a bill he says no.I feel bad to pay because money has been a hardship for me also since as a child I was taught the value of it.Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): If I were your hubby and I found out that after I had kept a roof over your head and your child's head, worried and struggled to pay the bills and that you had a secret stash you wouls have a rainy day sooner than you think.What do you do for a living? Who supports your child financially? What is wrong with telling him the truth and both working something out.You did well saving that much cash for the future, but the present is what matters and you are decieving your husband in a very bad way. So you had it hard when you were young, so did lots of us but we don't decieve our spouse.You obviously are not really married to him in your eyes, Your child is his child too and maybe he would like your children to earn a living and make their own way through life, without handing a bought out right home to them. You will not teach them VALUE what you said you learnt through hardship. You expect your husband to struggle though and you offer to buy a takeaway, woopie doo!don't forget the prawn crackers.
A
female
reader, Behavioural Analysis +, writes (8 September 2014):
 Why did you marry him? If you couldn't rely on him to handle finances well, which you do because you live off of him, why did you marry him? If he's so awful at handling money, why are you effectively sponging off of him? If he's so bad with money, why is he refusing to let you pay?You stand by and watch him stress over it, while you have a hidden pot of gold.Save £20,000 for your child's future, but you HAVE to tell your husband about it because it's not fair to keep this from him. He/She is not just YOUR child, is he/she? Even if he/she IS just yours, you should be contributing financially because you can.It's really selfish to continue the way you have been and, the longer you wait to tell him, the worse it will get when he finds out. He may even leave you, so I strongly advise that you stop making excuses and own up. If you don't want to give him automatic access to the money, that's fine, but this is what you need to do, if that's the route you want to take:- he can ask you to contribute and you choose if you should (for bills, etc.)- you have no automatic access to his finances and have to ask before spending any money of his- get a financial advisorUltimately, what you've done and continue to do is like him saying "I have inherited £30,000 and stashed it away, so I'm going to stop working and you'll have to either get a job or dip into your money". He'd have every right to, after all of this, but you wouldn't like it one bit.Please just own up. This isn't the sort of thing you want your child thinking is healthy in a marriage because it's not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): I don't understand how YOU can say that your husband is bad with money in the context of your living off him.
Right now YOU have no income and refuse to pay for your rent/ your mortgage/ your bills/ groceries/ etc, to say nothing of your not even paying for your child's care.
Your husband is doing this for both of you and your child.
So if anyone is causing trouble with money is this marriage it is YOU who is living off your husband and hiding and lying about about a 30,000 bank balance.
You also seem to be in denial about what you are doing here, describing 'I haven't mentioned it to my husband...'
This is MUCH too significant an issue to have 'not mentioned' and to have 'not mentioned' such a significant matter is to have actively LIED about it.
How you spend this money, and how he spends his monthly wages is a metter for both of you to discuss and decide together with all of your cards on the table. If you kept completely separate finaces and both paid for yourselves then so be it, but you are living off HIS wages and not even paying for yourself with your own money, let alone your child or to treat him in any of the many many ways that he treats you.
You make excuses that he doesn't accept your offering to pay for dinner. Well- why would he when he thinks that you can't afford to? Even if after discussing the 30,000 you decide TOGETHER to try and save most of this towards the future anyway, at least he will have the piece of mind of knowing it is there. It might help him to sleep at night.
But even more importantly, the marriage will no longer hang on your lies.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (7 September 2014):
 Do you want to buy a home for you all or just use it for your child in the future? I don't quite understand.
I would put £25,000 in a savings account or ISA and spend £5,000 on helping your husband.
He can't stop you paying bills really, or the rent/mortgage, putting fuel in the car, grocery shopping -whatever - unless he ties you up!.
He must be pretty good with money too if he supports you and works so hard.
He can't stop you booking a family holiday to treat him for all his hard work either.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): Can you sneak behind his back and pay a bill and ask them to disclose the identity of who paid it? I've done it for my mom she won't accept money from me either. I think it's good to keep that money for a rainy day especially if u suspect the rainy day affect your child. Help as much but as discreet as possible to not trigger his suspicion of something. Eventually it'll be easy to reveal it to him because financially things will feel better also just from your little secret financial gestures. Idk if that's the answer but I think it's a good start. Good luck!
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