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female
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*oveisapain
writes: Hi I really like this guy that I broke up with at the beginning of the year and I thaught that he liked me too, but he just turned around and lied to me and I really like his cousin too. I dont know whether I should wait and give him a third chance or just go with the cousin? Before this he had ignored me for like two months while we were dating and his cousin is really nice and we have been friends for probably like four years, I am not sure what I should do. Please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2006): This may not apply to you but it is still a good guide line.
A current book I am reading is titled "The Sociopath Next Door" by, Martha Stout Ph.D.
She lists the "Thirteen Rules of Dealing With Sociopaths In Everyday Life":
1. The first rule involves dealing with the bitter pill that some people literally have no conscience.
These people do not often look like Charles Manson or Ferengi Bartender. They look like us.
2. In a contest between yoru instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on-educator, doctor,leader,animal lover, humanist, parent-go with your instincts.
3. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the the Rule of Threes regarding claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilitites he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy.
One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding insteand. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behaviour. Cut your losses and get out soonsd you can. Leaving though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.
4. Question Authority.
On this, it is a lengthy explanation. She speaks of most politicians are sociopaths as they have no guilt or remorse in waging war on others and killing innocent people. She also quotes from Stanley Milgram's study and his drawn conclusions that 6 out of 10 people will blindly obey to the bitter end an official looking authority in their midst.
5. Suspect flattery.
Compliments are lovely, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is extreme and appeals to our egoes in unrealistic ways. It is the material counterfeit charm, and nearly always involves an intent to manipulate.
...Just as an individual pumped on on the flattery of a manipulator is likely to behave in foolish ways, exaggerated patriotism that is flattery-fueled is a dangerous thing.
6. If necessary, redefine your concept of self respect.
Too often we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more we view him or her as deseriving respect.
7. Do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopath's tool. Resist the temptations to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him/her. In addition to reduceing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.
8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication.
The only truly effective method in dealing with a sociopath you have identified is to disallow him/her from your life altogether.
Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous.
You will not hurt anyone's feelings. Strange as it seems, and though they may try to pretend otherwise, sociopaths do not have any such feelings of hurt.
If total avoidance is impossible; make plans to come as close as you can to the goal of total avoidance.
9. Question yoru tendency to pity too easily.
Respect should be reserved for the kind and the morally courageous. Pity is another socially valueable response, and it should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune. If, instead, you find yourself often pitying someone who consisitenly hurts you or other people, and who actively campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to 100 percent that you are dealing with a sociopath.
...Do not be afraid to be unsmiling and clamly to the point.
10. Do not try to redeem the undredeemable.
Second (third, fourth, fifth) chances are for people who possess conscience.
...At some point, most of us need to learn the important, if disappointing, life lesson that, no matter how good our intentions, we cannot control the behaviour-let alone the character structures-of other people. Learn this fact of human life, and avoid the irony of gettting caught up in the same ambition he/she has-to control.
Sociopaths do not want help; save your need to help for those who can be and want to be helped.
11. never agree, out of pity or for any other reason, to help sociopath conceal his or her true charater.
"please don't tell" often spoken tearfully and with great gnashing of teeth, is the trademark plea of thieves, child abusers-and sociopaths.
If someone without conscience insists that you "owe" him or her, recall what yoau re bout to read here: "Yu owe me" has been the standard line of sociopaths for thousands of years, quite literally and is stil so.
Also ignore the "you are just like me" ; you are not.
12. Defend your psyche.
do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, to convince you that humanity is a failure. Most human beings DO possess conscience. Most human beings ARE able to love.
13. LIving well is the best revenge.
A
female
reader, anon2907  +, writes (7 August 2006):
 Hey,
You make it sound like an either/or question. EITHER the guy from before OR the cousin.
Firstly the first guy...... he doesn't sound like a good guy. He lied to you and ignored you for two months. What's that about? And a third chance? He should be so lucky - most people are lucky to get one!! I'd say avoid him!!
But then the cousin, he sounds better, but you need to be honest, would you be going with him cos you really like him and want to make something of it, or just to make the first guy jealous?
But if you've been friends for a while and like him, then go for it!
Good luck!
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