A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my relation ship with my wife of 10 years is really on rocks due to her parents (specially her fathers) unnecessary interference in to our family life. She is too attached to her parents and the old man just keep taking total advantage of the situation to control my life through her daughter (my wife). what should i do?? i am dependent on them for certain things too, like having them look after my kid during the day time etc. But, does that allow them to take such liberties to dictate our lives?? They make remarks at my weaknesses and tell everyone that we would be nothing if it were ain't for them, things like that. My wife doesn't seem to be too effected by such remarks as she was brought up under such dominant influence of the old man. But i can't. I can't tolerate being made to look like a simpleton which i am not. I work hard to make a decent living for me and my family and i have recently bought my own home, but i got my wife to ask for a small loan from the old man which i set off in full, lately. Now he keep rubbing it in my face that i had no one else to turn to when i needed money. People....is it my fault?? am i being dependent? or am i just being a wishful son-in-law as any other in my position would be?? please help me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2013): No your wife does not have a role to play in your exchange with your father in law. you chose how to react to him, you chose not to excuse yourself from the situation before it got ugly. You chose to react to that jerk by being a jerk back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter a couple of drinks on Tuesday, the old man began to drag his mouth again which made me lose my cool & lead to an ugly exchange of words. Finally i showed him the door They are gone & the problem in hand persists. My wife is pretty upset. Does she have a role to play??
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2013): "But, frankly, it did not strike me that asking the in-laws to look after my child while we are out making our ends meet is seeking favors. "It is actually, because if you asked anyone else for help you would have to compensate them. But somehow since it's your in-laws you feel you don't need to compensate them. Therefore, you are asking them continually for favors. Therefore, you are making yourself dependent on them. Therefore, they rightfully see it as you 'need' them.OK then you go on to say that no you DO actually reciprocate and return favors to them by running errands for them and taking them out for dinners. That's fair then. However, you are now choosing to maintain a status quo of constantly having to see them and be exposed to them.The fact remains: you are choosing to have your life closely be intertwined with your parents-in-law. You are choosing to carry on this interdependence with them.You have other options like other Aunts suggested here, but you don't want to take them because they will bring consequences. Well, every choice in life carries consequences. Right now you're living the consequences of your past and present choices.Again, you have realistic and practical options to distance yourself from your wife's parents. You're just choosing not to take them because you scared to rock the boat. Well, having courage is difficult and causes a lot of problems, but sometimes lack of courage carries a higher price.Since your wife wants to continue having her parents involved in your lives, therefore, this is not just a problem between you and your in-laws, but between you and your wife. You should talk to your wife about your need for the two of you to become an independent family unit and not merely part of her parents' family, which is what you are now.If your wife refuses, then I'm sorry but you may have to reconsider if you should separate or divorce since this relationship isn't functioning as a marriage if your wife feels that her family consists of primarily her parents and child first, and then you second.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrue, as most of you might wonder why i am depending on them. It's not that i cannot afford a baby sitter or seek day care with my child. We live outside USA & in a close knitted society where grandparents are usually seen as their guardians during the absence of the parents. Besides, it is the common belief that the day care does not pass on education or values but the grandparents does. So, it's not about seeking help, but, seeking connection. Besides, my wife cannot live without them, so, i do not seek to distance her from them either because i don't want to hurt her. Her mother (My Mother-In-Law) is somewhat aware of the issue that the old man has created by running his mouth. I saw that one of you dears has commented that i must not lament if i have decided to seek favors & not give back any. Perhaps you are right. But, frankly, it did not strike me that asking the in-laws to look after my child while we are out making our ends meet is seeking favors. We need their help with the child. That's all the help we ask. We too help them in best ways we can. We sponsor them for dinner outings & help them run their personal errands. their personal errands. I personally carry them in my car when & wherever they want to go during weekends. i reschedule my work to meet their timelines. I do things for them too. The old man helped us overlook some errand when buying the house, but when my friend visit me, he says things like if it weren't for him, we wouldn't bestow the place' & stuff intimating that he spent for the house where as i spent my hard earned & he only took care of the legal aspect on my wife's request. These things put me down & when i tell my wife she says not to heed his ways.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): what a awful situation to be in, I feel for you and I don't blame you for being so unhappy. Being constantly disrespected and having nasty comments made about you is a form of verbal and emotional abuse and your wife is compliant with it. But what I don't get is, why on earth are you still going to your in-laws for help when you know that what they think of you and they will only hold it against you as further proof to themselves?For example:1. Childcare - do you really need to use your in-laws for childcare? Can't you use real daycares or hire a nanny, or trade childcare duties with your neighbors who may also have similar aged kids? Why must you go to your wife's parents for childcare?? There are so many other options.2. Money - why did you choose to have your wife ask her father for a loan? it's no wonder he looks even more down on you. Couldn't you go to a bank and take out a REAL loan by yourself? Of course with a bank you would have to pay interest, so, do it. I just don't understand why you keep going to your wife's parents for help when they already look down on you and think you're incompetent. Your goal should be to show them that you don't need them and so far I don't see a good reason that you have to go to them for help with your problems. what would you do if your wife's parents suddenly died or moved to another country? (besides celebrate, I mean!) I mean in terms of getting childcare and money, what would you do if your in-laws suddenly were not around anymore to help you? You would have to do something else,right, so why not just do that now. Lots of people live very far away from their parents and have to figure out childcare on their own and they do it. Other people need financial help yet don't have parents who are wealthy enough to loan them money (for example, I have to help financially support my elderly parents, not the other way round, even though I myself am in debt). You don't truly need your wife's parents,ok, as everything you have mentioned so actually you have alternatives. It may not be as convenient or cheap (you would have to pay for daycare or a nanny, for example, rather than having it done for free by your in-laws) but that's the problem. You can't have it both ways - you can't get cheap/free daycare and interest-free loans, if you want to establish independence from your in-laws.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): Your wife is in the wrong for allowing her family to disrespect you so much, I am very sorry that she is still tied to her parents' apron strings and is not acting like a mature independent adult that she should be. However, you make it easy for them to do this to you. You asked your wife to borrow money from her dad. You didn't have the guts to ask him yourself. Also, couldn't you choose someone else to borrow money from, like your friends? it doesn't matter that you paid your father-in-law back, the point is you should not be asking him for ANY help whatsoever if you want him to respect you. Then, don't accept their help for looking after your kid, unless you want to encourage them to think of you as being dependent on them. Pay for a babysitter, or ask your friends or neighbors to look after your kid and in return you do other favors for them or babysit for them when they need it. If your wife wants her parents to look after the kid then then that is OK if it is her choice. But make it clear to everyone that this is her choice only and you are perfectly willing and able to pay a babysitter so as to not "bother" her parents.There may also be the problem that your wife herself does not respect you. Maybe she feels the same way as her parents which is why she doesn't stop them, so really she is not acting like she is your wife. If so, I am even more sad for you and all I can say is that maybe you picked the wrong woman to marry and have kids with. Once your kids are grown and dont' need you anymore then you can re-think whether you need your wife or not!!I am not saying that right now you should struggle on your own and refuse assistance when you really do need help. I am just saying, go to OTHER people for help, not your wife's parents! Go to your family and friends and neighbors, go to people who will not give you a hard time just because they helped you. It doesn't have to be only immediate relatives who help you, but of course if you ask other people for help then you need to reciprocate and offer to give them help back when they need it, or offer to pay them for their help.So many times, young couples take advantage of their own parents for FREE babysitting which is rather selfish. Of course everyone wants to get help for free and not have to pay for it or do anything in return. But that is not right. And for the situation with your wife's parents, it just proves to them that they are right that you are dependent on them since you are not doing anything back for them instead they are doing everything for you. Therefore, offer to babysit for your friends or help them in other ways if they will babysit for you in return. Stuff like that. If you want one-way help where you don't have to return the favor, then you are limited to your wife's parents. Or, you will just have to work extra hard to make more money so you can pay for babysitters.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 June 2013):
 Only I small percentage of people today can afford a home without any help. The income your father in law made in his 30's probably wouldn't be enough for your house. When he talks like that the family members won't say anything to him but secretly become embarrassed. If your daughter is too nice to confront him then the only choice you have is to distant yourself from her family. One would think that ignoring the comments would make them stop but it won't be surprising that it continues until he can't talk anymore. As long as he is alive he has to be alpha male. Use alternative daycare if available.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2013): You complain about how your in-laws put you down, and turn around and asked for a loan? You accuse them of ruining your marriage, yet you turn to them for free baby-sitting and money? Don't whine if you reinforce their poor perception of you as a son-in-law. What do you really care about their opinions anyway; if you're doing your best? It's your family. There isn't a husband and father on earth who can't always do better one way or another for their family. Is your father-in-law perfect? If you come off as a wimp, you're inviting his bullying. Ignore the old fool!!!You have to grow a thicker skin and suck it up. Your only true concern is your wife and kids. Let her parents criticize if they like. If it isn't true, then they simply look like lying fools. People who really know you, know the truth. Those that don't, really don't matter. Focus your attention on supporting and caring for your family.You are dealing with what most sons-in-law deal with around the world. Your wife's parents don't think you're good enough for their daughter; but no one may be good enough in their eyes. You've made it work for ten years. So it's hard to break old habits; they like busting your stones. In the long run, it might make you an even tougher man, and better provider for your family. Dad's look out for the baby-girls. You'll do the same someday.When you've had enough, file for a divorce and seek shared custody of your children. Divorce is the cure for bad spouses and in-laws.Otherwise, look forward to the day when they grow old and feeble; and can no longer hassle you and your family. They may even need your help someday, when age has taken it's toll. Ever consider your father-in-law is just jealous, because you're a younger man; while he's about to be put out to pasture?
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