A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know this is a question that probably comes up time again, but I'd like some advice on how to try and forget about my probably ex-bf as I can't stop thinking about him, despite trying to distract myself.We've been together 9 years. We lived together for 7 years, until he decided to split up with me 1 yr ago and move out - I later discovered through looking at his cell phone that he'd been seeing a girl from work though nothing physical happened. 6 months after that, he wanted us to get back together, said he wanted us to have a family one day... so we started seeing each other at weekends, talking on the phone every day, and it was all going great.Until a few weeks ago, when I gave in to temptation, looked at his cell phone again, and found hundreds of lewd messages from 3 girls. Confronted him, said he never met any of them, that it was just "an exciting double life." Begged me not to leave him. Said I wouldn't, but needed to understand why he did it and needed reassuring he wouldn't do it again.2 weeks later (with little contact in between from me) he says me finding the messages has made him think about everything, that he's not happy, that his job sucks, his colleagues are mean, his parents put him under pressure, and that he feels I put him under pressure (e.g., to phone me each night, or to meet up at weekends) and that he wants time and space to think about what he wants from his life. Says he doesn't think he wants a girlfriend - too much hassle/too many expectations (e.g., thinks I'll want us to move in again and have kids one day, when actually, I've never mentioned this, although he has in the last few months) and that he feels guilty whenever I'm around (even though I don't mention the stuff that's happened in the past). I am absolutely heart broken. It took so much for me to get back together with him and to start to trust him again. I want us to stay together. It's so hard not to contact him, just to say hello and see how he is... how can I stop myself? I've written him a letter about how much I feel we should stay together, but think perhaps I shouldn't send it, although I really want him to know how I feel. I'm scared that if I don't contact him, he'll just forget me. I also don't understand why he doesn't want to check how I am (which is devastated). I feel like I'm having to pay for the fact that he feels guilty, even though he says I'm not doing anything to make him feel guilty.Should I put up a fight for him? Or do I just have no contact and risk him slipping away from me forever (which I don't want - I have only ever loved him, and don't ever want to be with anyone else). I've said I'd be happy to go back to seeing him whever suits him and stuff... but I guess really I'd like to think we'd 'settle down' together one day. I would like kids one day, and know I won't find anyone else who I love as much as him. He just says he doesn't want to keep hurting me 'cos he loves me too much - I don't understand his logic! Says there's noone else but I'm not sure.Sorry this is so long, it's just all driving me crazy and I don't know how to play it. Your advice would be appreciated. I need to stop thinking about it all and to stop crying:(
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): I think the contents of his phone speaks for itself. Time to find a better man. He has single written all over him. He is better left to it. Dont meet anyone until you have a clear mind.
A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 Sorry that you are in this situation. I think that he said the things that he said just to make you happy. I think that you should let him go. If he truly loves you, he will come back. Give him your contact info, and avoid contacting him. Let him contact you. This will prove whether or not he truly wants to be with you. And when he contacts you, don't jump into a relationship with him. Talk about things with him, but hold off getting close to him until he has proven that he has grown up. I hope this makes sense?Take care.
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