A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I used to have a crush on this guy Ax early this year but Ax made it clear that he wasn't interested in me. I was cool about it. Then months later he told me that he liked me. But I did not like him anymore. But because so many of our mutual friends knew about us, there was intense pressure on me to give in (ie. to accept his affections). I did not budge. I felt extremely angry and stressed, soon I began to develop a strong dislike for Ax. I saw all of his flaws, his selfishness and disdain. I also realised how foolish it was to have even had a crush on him in the first place--we did not even talk to each other a lot, there was a lack of communication. I always feel uncomfortable around him, I feel threatened by his presence. Nevertheless, through this painful experience I have realised that I place utmost importance on communication and flow. About two weeks ago, he found out that I had moved on. I now like another guy Kx. Kx is a much better person than Ax is, I like him a lot, and we communicate well with each other. I feel comfortable with him. 1. Ax was supposed to leave the school for good (but things took a twist and he surprised everyone by coming back) and he wrote me a long email telling me how much I meant to him etc and that he knows about Kx. I was enraged after reading his email. In my mind, I was thinking, "Who gave you the right to express your feelings to me?" I was already moving on, and there he was, doing all he could to tell me that he still liked me.2. Ax blamed me for not telling him in person that I like Kx. My defence was that we weren't even dating, we never dated and hence, it was not my responsibility to inform him. He was just a friend. Yet he was reacting in such a way that, it was as if I was "cheating" on him. I think he's imagining everything himself, like me earlier, he's merely liking a projection of me. I sincerely hope he wakes up from this infatuation.My wish is that the nightmare end right now. I can't bear the mental torture, while I have moved on, all of this is making me hard to let go all the hatred and pain. It would have been so much better if he had left for good. But he's here to stay until next year at least. I don't know what to do. Do I pretend that all these things never happened and gradually I'll forget all the trauma? Is there a more proactive method to solve this issue troubling my mind once and for all? He MUST move on too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): Thank you so much. You are right, I need to let go. I really appreciate your advice, everything you said is true. It's all about my hurt ego. I am letting it go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2011): yeah you should let it go. just tell Ax you're not interested in him and won't be getting together with him, and ask him not to contact you at all, then proceed to ignore him if he does try to contact you. you just need to ignore him, but to be fair you have to inform him ahead of time that you're going to be doing this so it's no surprise to him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 Heh...Ax and Kx. Sounds like you fell in love with the periodic table of elements. ;)
(Sorry :P)
Anyways, you use anger to protect yourself from hurt. You have an ego, and you push away and get mad. A lot of this drama, you create.
This is simple. You liked Ax, and when you were rejected by him, you reacted with anger. Your wounded pride wouldn't let it go, even when he'd had time to think it over and decided that he did like you after all. Then you ramped up the anger because you were hurt and created all of this.
And I'm sorry, but "Who gave you the right to express your feelings"?? Why would you even think that way? Everyone has a right to express their feelings. You express yours, he expresses his. What that whole thing was is an exercise in trying to emotionally punish him for rejecting you in the first place.
You have to let things go, or you're going to push yourself right out of every relationship you'll ever have. Anger is not a good defense for avoiding pain, and you have to let things go. It's getting you into a lot of heartache until one day, your emotional fists will be up, and no one will even bother trying to get close to you.
The proper thing to do would have been to, upon hearing that Ax didn't like you anymore, is to shrug it off. That would have saved a lot of drama. Ditch the anger and desire to emotionally punish. Your ego doesn't need that kind of satisfaction, and it makes you high maintenance, because guess what? Eventually, Kx will not measure up and let you down too. What are you going to do then?
Re-learn your defense mechanisms, or you will be hurt and lonely.
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