A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 4.5 years isn't sure what he wants. He tells me he loves me dearly but isn't sure if I am the "one" and he is afraid to break up to only realize he made a big mistake but he isn't sure if he's done being a "young single guy". I am 39 and he is 32 and my age is something he hasn't been able to be 100% okay with although I am fit, look his age (he looks mine) and we met because of similar athletic interests. It is a bit complicated:I bought a house with his help (private loan from him - couldn't get a normal loan due to the condition of the house. I will refi in 6 months and pay him back). He is helping me with the remodel (has no kitchen/heat - I bought it like that). It has been hard since sometimes emotionally he is "there" and other times he is not. Lately he has been more withdrawn and this week said he is burnt out with the relationship and life all together. He wants a change as we've been together for over 4 years and he is no closer to finguring it (us) out. His head is spinning and he wants to step back. I suggested I park his RV at the house and I live there paying him on the mortgage and cover the RV costs. He said that was stupid. I suggested finding a temporary place to live and he said if that happened he wouldn't be too inclined to help with the house if I didn't live with him. I suggested sleeping in the other room and he thought that was dumb as we've been sharing the same bed for 3 years. My biggest obstacle is that I found out there was a girl from work (15 years younger than me) who found him attractive and was flirting (she has a boyfriend and is the instigator), his has been flirty too but stating nothing would happen as they both are in relationships. Although he left that job he still communicates with her. I can't help but think his desire to take a break is due to her eventhough he claims he isn't cheating on me, she has a boyfriend, and nothing is going on.What do I do????? Do I pretend everything is okay and continue to put effort into the relationship? Do I start to pull away emotionally as I believe once the house is done will not move with me, I'm living alone and we are breaking up? Do I find a place to live for the next 6 months but then things get sticky with the work that needs to be done, and the finances? This isn't a good place to be emotionally. I know something is going to happen and it all is emotionally draining. Staying is like pulling the band-aid off slowly and leaving is like pulling it off quick = either way it is going to hurt. What to do????
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female
reader, Just Listening  +, writes (1 November 2009):
Although talking is important sometimes we find ourselves caught just talking and talking. Not understanding. We can talk and talk and listen and listen. But sometimes I find myself unable to understand no matter how hard I try.The hardest thing you must do is take care of yourself. Right now even if you are physically together you are alone. Neither of you may be capable of connecting right now...no matter how hard you try. It's not about changing or doing anything differently in regards to the relationship. Take care of yourself. Where do you want to be? Where do you want to sleep? Do you want to own the home? Just take care of yourself...eat right...walk about...keep your mind clear...so that when the time does come...and you can communicate, you will hear each other...and you will be ok.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2009): Ok. I'm going to be 100% honest and candid about this. If this guy is pulling away then he is spending his time either physically or emotionally elsewhere (or both!). That's that. I don't even have a question in my mind since I've done the same thing in the past myself. Honestly, he is stringing you along because he either 1) wants a back up plan, 2) guarantee for sex or 3) fear of being alone. Just sayin. I don't need to know anymore of the gory details, but if someone doesn't want to be with you 100% and is still not sure after 4 years, they may never be sure. Sounds like he is having some issues with commitment, and in this case, it is with you. You have to recognize this and basically make the decision for yourself about what you find acceptable in your life. What I am saying is that you don't need him or anyone to justify who you are, so if they don't want to be in the relationship 100%, then what the hell is the point? You are wasting your time. Also, the only thing you have to go on with someone is there character. If he is with you, and some girl and I emphasize GIRL is flirting with him and he is putting energy into it, then what does that say about his character and what his intentions are? Seriously, I'm not being a sexual mccarthyist, but still, you have to look at the big picture and how his ego is and may continue to seriously get in the way of your relationship moving on to the next step. Commitment is about being able to say no to some of the temptations out there in the world. It is about being able to hang in there even when the feelings change in a relationship. I have no claim to fame here, but from the sounds of it, you desire a commitment and long term relationship. If this guy is going to give sacrifice his attention to you over some girl batting his eyes at you, then you need to re-evalutate your whole life with him. He may not be the one, my dear. If I were you I'd lay that out to him flat. I would come from a non judgemental POV and simply tell him that your goals in the relationship and in life are different, and unless these things can converge, there's no point in continuing. If he doesn't see how is ego is gettin in the way, and that he is going to lose a serious and developed relationship over his sophomoric ego trip, then I'd just move on. BTW, why in the hell would he have an issue with the age difference? First of all you are barely older than him, and if you are living a fit and healthy life style, it doesn't really matter anyways. He sounds immature. No offense. Best of luck, sweetie.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 October 2009):
He isn't ready to commit. You need to sit down and tell him that he needs to be very sure what he wants. If he's not, end it because you'll be the one who gets hurt. If he's not 100% sure that he wants to be with you exclusively, and there are other women around that fancy him, it's better to move on and find a guy who will commit. Talk to him first, and make it clear that unless he is 100% ready, you need to end it. Don't be second best or the comfort blanket (I don't mean that harshly). Lots of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (11 October 2009):
 Well isn't he one with all problems and no suggestions.
I think that you should leave him alone for a while. Let him work out solutions on his own time while you work on the house and work out what you want out of this relationship and your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2009): talk to him!! let him know how you feel. you need to figure out if theres hope holding on or if your just holding on to someone who doesnt want to be held onto.
sounds to me like he has other dreams. he doesnt want to be tied down and your just making him miserable making him stay. tell him you need to know what he wants and that if he cant make up his mind you are going to leave.
tell him he needs to choose between you and that hoe from his old work.
TALK TALK TALK. communication is everything!! good luck =]
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