A
female
age
41-50,
*ardia
writes:My boyfriend has been fairly open and up front with me about the women in his life. He has talked about one at work that apparently all the guys ogle, and another that has befriended him (I think she has a crush on him). We're friends on Facebook and he's switched his status on all his social networking sites to "in a relationship". I never ask about who he's in contact with. We spend pretty much all our free time together from Thursday to Sunday (he works odd shifts). The one thing that just nags at the back of my head though is his texting. It's more a 'gut' thing but I've always been a worrier with self-esteem issues, so it could just be my insecurities. I hope he's not flirting with anyone. But I know from his own mouth that he 'likes the attention' he sometimes gets when we're out in public. Do I just trust him, or do I open Pandora's box and ask to see his phone? I'm BANKING on the answers to be "trust"...
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female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (13 October 2011):
 I think look at the positive.
He spends nearly all his spare time with you, he's changed his stairs to in a relationship.
He's told you about this woman the guys ogle, I think they sometimes come out with this just to make us feel better, by being honest or trying to say that they don't (I was told about a conversation in my OH's office about a female celebrity, was told how this new look had the guys in the office talking about her, but was followed by "I don't think that" followed by my arse being slapped, which was followed by me rolling my eyes at him lol)
I work in a male dominated environment, I've lots of male friends - chances are one of them might fancy me, but they know my relationship status and I'd like to think they have enough respect to respect this. I'm sure it's the same with this girl, maybe she does haveca bit of a crush on him - or maybe you just think she might!
Do I text some of my male collegues, yes I do. I'd be horrified if my OH wanted to see my phone for evidence of texting or wanted to read conversations with my friends male or female - do I have anything to hide? no I dont, but these are my personal/private discussions. I tell him most things anyway, but to have him want to physically see would be a massive red flag for me, he has to trust me!
I don't think you should ask to see his phone, not trusting a man in anyway causes a stack of grief, he will see it as a dis on him, won't want to show you, your get upset because he won't, then he will after a massive argument. I think a better way, is to explain that you feel a little jealous about the new female friend, and watch his reaction. Your find out far more than going through his phone. Just don't accuse him of anything, make it about your feelings otherwise he might get defensive.
Good luck and try not to worry, sounds like he's a good one given the other things you mention!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2011):
 His statement that "all guys ogle" is true to a point. There is a discipline of the mind that can be achieved where a guy can appreciate a woman's beauty, and he can't help but feel a response physically to that beauty. This is perfectly acceptable.
To me, though, the word "ogle" has connotations that guys freely drink in, objectify, and sexualize all women in his line of vision. His looks linger on various places on her body no matter where he is, and he indulges any and all fantasies about sex with whoever he thinks about, known or unknown. This is how sex addiction can start.
As for this woman who has "befriended" him, he shouldn't let her get close if he knows she has a crush on him, especially if he has a weakness for allowing other women's attentions to stroke his ego.
Right now, he's given you no reason to distrust him, especially if he's been open with you regarding the women he comes in contact with. I do also take his statement "All men ogle" to also be a statement of honesty because I believe he meant it as saying "All men look at women".
He is trying to be honest with you, and in my opinion, he's innocent until proven guilty. If he lets that girl in too closely, you'll know it as well as you'll know if his patterns change.
You should trust him. It's not your right to request his phone. You are not married to him, and you have no right to rifle through his privacy. Also, trust in yourself that you are good enough for him, and that you don't have to be threatened by Ms. Thing at his job with the crush on him. You could find someone else as easily as he can, so he's pretty damn lucky to have you too!
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (13 October 2011):
Trust has two sides. There is your sense of trust in him, and his trustworthiness. You give the sense that you think he is generally trustworthy, and if he hasn't done anything to question your trust in him, it would seem that you need to look at why you don't trust him, and how your insecurities might relate to that. However, trust is not that simple, there is always the other side of having someone give you an indication of their trustworthiness.
Both trust and trustworthiness take time. Trust takes time to develop, and trustworthiness takes time to be earned, through being demonstrated. If a lot of time has passed and he doesn't give you any reason not to trust him, the issue is more likely yours. If he does little things which you think are out of line, you might have some reason not to trust him. Either way, it is a good thing to talk about with him.
Asking to see his phone would be a convenient way to put your mind at ease, but it is an invasion of his privacy, and if you ask him, it automatically lets him know you don't trust him. A better question is to ask yourself why your mind is not at ease, what makes you lack this trust, to see whether it comes from things he does, from your past experiences in relationship, or if it is just how you have always been.
Let him demonstrate his trustworthiness over time, and take some time to uncover exactly what it is that makes you doubt. Keep in mind you might have good reason to doubt, it isn't necessarily about blind faith, it is about understanding clearly what is giving rise to the feelings you have.
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