A
male
age
51-59,
*M1971
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for a while now. She has never been in a healthy relationship until we got together. She has had to take counselling to help her deal with these past relationships. On top of all this she's dealing with the usual life has to offer: kids, work, money and she is beyond stressed. When we first started dating we saw each other almost daily and a couple months ago we started to discuss marriage. Since her counselling has started, we see each other maybe once to twice a week. She has also told me that she has begun to cherish her "alone time". Last night she told me the idea of getting married scares her. Our phones calls have cut down as has her texts to me.I obviously have no idea what she discusses in these counselling sessions, but her new attitude worries me. I'm wondering if i need to take a step back from our relationship so she may deal with her stresses, or should I stay and be patient and hope that things will return to normal?
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male
reader, TM1971 +, writes (25 October 2012):
TM1971 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to those who have offered their advice. It'd a hard thing to just sit by and watch the one you love go through things and be powerless to help. However, if my help to her comes in the form of giving space, and time, to sort through her issues, then believe me she is worth every minute. It's a good thing, and sometimes a rare thing to find the one you truly love. I hope she finds the inner peace and happiness she deserves as she goes through her counselling. I'll be there waiting for her when she's ready for our relationship to resume its course. Thanks again.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): I know how your girlfriend feels. The best thing you can do,is give her lots of psychological space. Don't push her for any more than she wants to give. Tell her you respect her needs, and to let you know when she is free to spend time with you. Then give her lots of space. Don't be texting or emailing or phoning. If you have no communication all day, just send her one text at night to say 'goodnight my love'. A short simple text. So she knows you are still there.If after a certain amount of time, say a month or two, she still doesn't want to spend more time with you, then you need to decide if that works for you. You are in this relationship too. If you need to see her more, then you can tell her your needs and see if she wants to meet them or find a compromise. It may be, that the relationship has run its course and she is not that interested in taking it any further.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): Maybe put discussions about marriage on the back burner for now. If she is beyond stressed, coping with all life throws at her AND dealing with counselling, then she has a lot going on right now. She will need time (alone time) to process everything. I don`t think that necessarily means she is going off you. The counselling will have forced her to face issues from her past. She will be reliving bad times, reflecting on the impact and trying to fix things. That could easily make her appear distant at the moment. Imagine the tables turned. You are beyond stressed, you have many demands on your time and those demands all require you to use your car but your car doesnt run properly. So nothing is working out right. And you wisely decide to shut yourself away in the garage and set about fixing the car. That is more or less what is happening with your girlfriend and her counselling. IF the tables were turned, would you want your girlfriend to be worried, want more of your time and attention and think about leaving you? Or would you want her to be patient, understanding and supportive? Maybe now is a good time to be uber kind and understanding.Show her you arent like others in her past. One thoughtful thing to do might be to ask what you can do to help her. And reassure her that you understand what she is going through.If you have a generous spirit and you love her, let it be all about her for a little while and see how it goes. Because if you press her for more of her time and she is already drowning in the needs of family and her own personal needs, yours might be just too much for her to cope with right now and she could go into survival mode and cut you out of the equation. If you miss her a lot there is no harm in saying that but follow it with an offer to go over and cook dinner for her and the kids. Or some other practical thing because she probably needs a friend right now more than she needs a lover. If you understand what i mean.I do understand how you must be worried and miss her too but patience will bring its own reward, so hang in there. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (25 October 2012):
 Stay for a while and allow her that little bit of extra 'alone time'
What has happened is that the Counselling is making her more confident to express her needs and be assertive. This is not a bad thing.
Her being more confident may scare you initially. During your step back time don't just try to find a new girl friend. Just respect that she cares enough to ask for some 'alone' time and is comfortable enough to let you know this.
Let her know that you will allow her to decide how much 'alone' time she needs. That you will take your cue from her. She may have many issues to resolve from the past and doing this now is a big challenge for her.
In the past she may have put herself last.
Just let her know that you are there for her, when she decides that she wants to reach out to you again.
In the interim do some interesting healthy things that make you feel good. Then if she comes back you will have lots to hear about from her, and lots of things to tell her about how you have kept yourself busy in the time you spent apart from her.
Patience can win a lady.
Be happy for her if the counselling is helping to make her feel more secure about expressing her own wishes to you.
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