A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of one year and I found each other on a dating web site. He really is not my type but he seemed to be one of the only "normal" guys I had met thus far. Our first date was a concert out of town and it was okay. When we got to my house I invited him in, we kissed and it awkward. I did not think I would ever see him again, but my girlfriends convinced me to give him another chance. A few days later we went out again, kissed and it was better and I started to feel as if this might go somewhere. I was not looking for love at the time, however he was, after a few weeks I would say I "heart" you but he wanted more, and by this time we had been intimate. Finally after six weeks, I gave in and told him that I loved him and meant it. He had told me that he knew he loved me on our first date.For the next six months we were in relationship heaven, everything was going very well. We were making plans to move into together, he and I and my 6 year old daughter.I knew he was "broken" relationship wise, his first love, was his high school sweetheart whom he had married and had a child with left him for another man after 9 years of marriage, it was very ugly, to this day he avoids speaking with her. This was a new start, he had been single, no relationships for 7 years and bang, we were in love.He then quit his job of 16 years out of the blue, but that was okay because I could support the three of us.Then we got a phone call from his 16 year old son that said that he did not want to live with his mother anymore and wanted to live with his dad. From here on things between us went from bliss to misery. My boyfriend could not face me so he sent me an email stating that he did not want us to come live with him anymore and this pained him to tell me this. I thought okay, lets find a house where we could all live comfortably, I almost bought the house when we then had our first "blow up" (note we don't yell or scream or argue we just have these intense conversations where I ask all the questions and he answers "yes", "no" or "I don't know")- I decided not to buy the house, then I found a nice house down the street from him - which at first he thought would be a good idea, then after I had signed the papers he called me to say he did not want to "go out" with me anymore and that he did not think it was a good idea for me to move in.I sent him an email stating that I needed to do what was best for me and my daughter and he just needed to get over it.The day I moved in he was down at my house helping move in, helping me build book shelves, etc. We talked, I told him that he had broken my heart, he said he was sorry, that that is not what his intention was. I asked him if he wanted me out of his life, he said that he did not want that, that he was not ready to let me go.........So for the past 6 months we have been back together, his son and I got along famously, my boyfriend and I would spend time together, we did things together as a family. But for some reason deep down in my heart I knew that things were not like they were when we first started dating, when we were intimate it was not the same. He would say he loves me but it just did not feel like it did before, when we first started dating we use to have this ritual, he would say I love you and I would say promise? and he would say yes, and I would say forever? and he would say yes again - which we continued, but I could feel something was different. I asked him about it and he told me that he just needed some time.Then a couple months ago his ex-wife came and took his son back to live with her - there was no discussion, there was no choice and he was truly upset. He would not talk about it with me, in fact he would snap at me whenever I mentioned anything about his son (they do not have a good relationship and they never communicated very well).So I remained supportive, I would try to be patient with my boyfriend, he would have these moments when he just wanted to be by himself and I respected that. There would be times when he would not return my phone calls or text messages, I communicated to him how this made me feel and he would make attempts to be more conscientious about returning both. We would do things for one another, he would pick up stuff at the grocery store for me on the way home and I would do his laundry for him, he would mow my lawn and I would do the same for him if he was out of town. He would watch my daughter for me so I could go exercise. If he was over for dinner he would read a book to my daughter and we both would go in and kiss her goodnight. We were like a family, but living in two different houses, one thing that bothered me though is that he would never spend the night. I spent the night at his house when my daughter was with her father, but he refused to stay at my house.I thought everything was "okay" until two days ago, we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary, we were going to go to a couple of festivals, we were being lazy on the couch and I wanted to be intimate and he did not want to.......I asked what the problem was he said that he just wanted to get going, I pushed and said that there must be something wrong if you don't want to have sex with me, he said no, I just want to get going. I then started asking him the questions that I have asked every three months or so since we had our major "blow up" and the answers have been the same up to now...... do you love me? - Yes, do you want to be with me? - Yes, what's going on with you? - I don't know, do you want to lose me forever? - No, do we make you happy? - Yes, does being alone make you happy? - I don't know, do you have room in your heart for us? - Yes, and so on, and so on. Finally I said we can work this out together that is what I am here for, thats what a normal relationship is about, I am not going to leave you, I am here for you and I love you unconditionally, but I can't do this by myself, and I can't make you want to be with me and I don't want to be with someone that does not want to be with me. I then asked do you want to work this out together or separately? - he said separately, but I want to be your friend.........at that point I became angry told him that that was not going to happen, I proceeded to pack up ALL my stuff that was at his house took his pictures he had of us, went to my house packed up ALL his things and every item he ever gave to me and took them to his house, I asked for my keys back and gave him his.The next day I saw him, I asked him how he slept and he said not very well, I asked him if he liked me giving him stuff back and taking all my stuff and he said no, I asked him if this is what he wanted and he said "I don't know".I told him that I would give him a week to decide what he wanted, I would not communicate with him via text or phone for the next week, but I needed an answer from him, I need to get on with my life, I asked him if he knew the answer right now and he said no.I spoke to his mom yesterday and she said that when he was at her house yesterday visiting that she could tell that he was sad and that he said something like..."I thought this is what I wanted but now I don't know" - she told him that he need to do what makes him happy.Any advise would be greatly appreciated, my guy friend tells me to move on, but my girlfriends say that he has ulterior motives. My girlfriends say to give him some time, they know my boyfriend, they know how he use to be and they think it will just take time for him to come back. I feel deep in my soul that we will be together and I should be patient and not leave him when he is having a bad spell, he is use to the people he loves leaving him I just can't do that right now. However, I need the old boyfriend back, the one that communicated with me all the time, the one that loved me more than anything else in this world, the one that stood by me during my good and bad times. If he is not that person anymore than I need to move on.
View related questions:
anniversary, ex-wife, his ex, I love you, move on, moved in, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 September 2010):
 He feels relieved that you are not a woman who would depend on him financially, at the same time he's ashamed that he doesn't have enough money. Men always say what they feel without knowing why. This must be very frustrating to you but you have a very clear mind. You know you are unfinished with him. Don't give him too much hell until you get tired of him completely. Have you heard about the Masculine Pretense? When men feel like they can't fulfill that hero, leader role for you, they would break it off rather than admit they are not good enough. As women we only have ourselves to depend on when men don't have faith in relationships. We have to be the ones who give them hope.
A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (7 September 2010):
You do seem a bit needy and insecure. I mean what's with all the questions, and isn't it a bit emotionally manipulative to move all your stuff out and then the next day ask him how he slept? Don't do such drastic actions unless you want to follow them through. IE don't move out and leave him, unless that's what you want to do. And if that's what you want to do, you need to stop acting like you are still together.It seems to me you need to stop being so involved and move back and give him some space! You are harassing him in to making a decision - and it is no surprise he is acting the way he is. It is up to HIM to decide to be with you. And if he does, he will show it. Stop seeming so desperate and needy. Give him space, let him come to see what he might be missing. When he can ON HIS OWN decide to be with you, you will never be in this situation again. But as long as you keep being masculine and dominant in the relationship, you will always have a man who can't lead and be strong and the determined decision maker in your relationship.
...............................
|
