A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m 29. My parter is 10 years older. We’ve been together 5 years. I love him; he loves me and everything is great. I just want to know what people think of soul mates? Or when people say ‘when you know, you know’ i guess i just know that our relationship is serious and that we both want marriage and kids and that is round the corner for us. I am happy and excited for a future together but have this niggle simply because of other people talking of how they know their partners are the one. I don't have this ‘I know’ feeling and I’m worried that i need to have this before committing to marriage and children.What are people’s thoughts?
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male
reader, TylerSage  +, writes (26 October 2017):
 Please don't get carried away with Hollywood's next romantic comedy about "soulmates" and "the-one". I don't think it's always about something clicking, it's about the fact that you appreciate having the person in your life. Although not against it, I think that "click" or "you know he/she is the one" is strongly linked to the fantasy you've always had of your future husband. Should he express just a smidge of that fantasy the click is activated. I guess he hasn't matched up in any way.Life isn't a fantasy. So many people would kill to have someone in there life who loves them mutually. Don't get picky over small details. You could easily end up passing on a good man who cares for you. Focus on what you do have a be grateful for it.Worse case scenario, you can always get a divorce.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 October 2017):
 I think it comes down to your personality and need for passion and a sense of belonging. I know of people who marry just for the reasons you say: been together so and so many years, it was the "next step" and everyone expects it, you're getting older so if you want kids now is the time etc etc. And they just go through the motions without the big fireworks and without the passion and without the sense of "soulmates". They are good friends, sure, and their relationship is probably happy and good also. But they marry not because they can't live without each other. They marry because it's expected and it's "what people do". These marriages, the ones I know of, have ended. Very short marriages. One such marriage lasted under a year, because the woman realized she actually didn't want to be married after all, and the guy had only proposed because everyone expected him to after all the years they had been together.
I know so many stories about people who have been together 10+ years, and then they marry each other to save the relationship, or again, it was the "next step". They also divorce after a few months or a year or two after.
I don't mean to scare you. I also don't mean to say you should dump him. Some people are practically minded and want to do what society expects and what's "next" on the to-do list, and are happy with that. But just make sure that you are both okay with such an arrangement.
As a little game for the thoughts, imagine if you were 5-10 years younger. Would you have felt differently? Would you still have wanted marriage/kids with him? Imagine if he was the same age as you, so that the age wasn't a reason to hurry along. Would it have changed things? Imagine you and him have not been together 5 years, but 1. Given how you feel about him now, if you had only been together 1 year and this is how you feel, unsure if he's "the one", would you still want to go ahead and just take the chance?
I don't think marriage should be taken lightly, and I for one would not want to marry just because it's expected. I'd rather go single for the rest of my life. But not everyone are as independent from society as I am, most people care a lot more about what the world thinks of them, so I get that for others it is harder to resist the expectations of others. Just do yourself the favour and ask if this is what YOU want, or if this is what you're "supposed to do", according to your age and the length of your relationship.
Otherwise, why bother marrying if you will end up divorced after a year anyway?
But just to let you in on a secret: that feeling of "when you know, you know" is true. There is such a feeling. And it's like with having an orgasm. If you have to wonder if you had it, then you didn't have it. When you know, you DO know.
Another secret though: a marriage, or any relationship, is about putting in hard work. It's not about soul mates just magically being happy for a life time. It's hard work, regardless of who you're with. When you have the right feelings, all that does really is give you motivation to put in the effort. If you are motivated by the ideals of marriage, you might still make it work even if you aren't sure he's "the one". But if you are motivated by feelings and passion and a sense of being destined for each other, then you will find it a lot harder.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (25 October 2017):
 Look to your future, do you see him as part off it or do you see something else? It really is as simple as that. Don't put your life on hold because people say you get a feeling or that you should know. If it was as simple as that then there would be no divorces. If you love him and you want to be with him, marry him and have children then that should be enough. Marriage is a huge step and off course you need to be sure, but I don't believe we all have a soul mate. Life is not that simple. Relationships are hard work at times, but also rewarding.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2017): The term soulmate was probably invented by someone who authors Hallmark cards for Valentines Day. We should stay within the realm of reality, especially for something as serious as considering marriage.
There maybe several personality-types and even a number of people who may touch your life and could be suitable partners. Future and destiny cannot be predicted; and we should all be grateful for that fact. Just be prepared for what may possibly come your way.
He is the one and only guy you can imagine spending the rest of your life and building a family with. Period. Please keep these things in proper-perspective. Realizing that changes and challenges do come along that test the fiber and durability of our relationships.
We should always keep in-mind that people, circumstances, and feelings change. The soul is eternal, and humans are mortal. Separations for whatever reason occur on an earthly plane. So stay hopeful, grounded, and optimistic. Don't romanticize your relationship. It is real and it is good. My Dad always told us to hope for the future, don't try to live it now.
Too many people worry about "how long it will last;" instead of appreciating it for the quality of it now in the present.
Good-times don't last forever. A relationship's durability is based on it remaining intact when stressed, strained, stretched, and challenged. Under those circumstances the future becomes hard to see. Right?
Someone who I loved for 28 years was stricken with cancer and passed-away. I couldn't plant the idea in my head he was the only one I could ever love; or would love me as much as we loved each other. I've found love again; so I see them both as blessings. Unique in their own way. I like knowing destiny allows me choices. "One and only" doesn't apply, should life present an unforeseen interruption. I've met someone else just as good as before. Possibly better!
So my soul remains intact. It hasn't lost anyone, and remains unaffected; but my love was transferable without being altered or diminished in either case. Past, present, or future. As a Christian, I preserve my soul for a Higher Being; and keep love for the human race where it belongs.
I once heard in a sermon; "you worship and pray to your Soulmate, He who lives in Heaven! Humans are too fickle to be called that!" I do agree!
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 October 2017):
 Personally, I love the notion of a soul mate but I don't buy it. I don't believe that there is ONE person for each of us, some kind of cosmic handpicked partner. The notion sounds lovely but utterly unrealistic.
What I DO believe is we have an almost infinite number of choices for a partner. Across gender, age (of a consensual age of course), genetic and ethnical background. Basically, the World is your oyster. The choice is YOURS.
What makes a person a GOOD partner/match is based on so many things, IMHO. How much you have in common, how you bring the BEST out in each other and generally how you make each other feel, physical, emotional and intellectual attraction as well. (that is the short version).
When it comes to finding a long-term partner to have offspring with, well then it can get a bit more complicated. I think if we ONLY look at biology, we might settle to mate with a person who is wholly unsuitable as a long-term partner. Because we NOW have so many societal, religious, cultural rules there are expectations of wanting some kind of utopian partnership. Basically, "perfection". Or how we perceive perfection.
If you two have been working well as a couple for 5 years there has to be something about the combo of YOU and HIM that might be a good match for life or long-term.
YOU and HIM are the ones who HAS to put in the work to MAKE it work. From day one. RElationships don't just happen and work on their own. IT takes commitment, it takes compromises, it takes caring, work, effort, emotions etc. etc.
IF you, after 5 years, are STILL unsure if he is right for you... then is he?
I think it's RARE that we meet someone and BANG! this is the ONE for me. It does happen. But I don't think it's the general experience of most people.
What exactly do you "think" you are either missing or should know?
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