A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just got out of a long term relationship in which majority of our fights were about porn. He watched it before we got together and during our entire relationship. He watched it regularly, pretty much once a day, about 5 times a week. We would probably have sex about 3 times a week, so he was masturbating to porn more than we were having sex, until recently when I addressed the issue. The problem is that it bothered me because it felt like he was cheating on me with the porn. He told me that since he had a girlfriend, that he would never cheat on me, but that when he would watch porn, he would imagine that he would have one night stands with the girls he was watching. He said that I didn't need to worry since it wasn't real and just a fantasy. He also used the excuse that all guys watch porn and that every once in awhile, its nice to have an escape. He tried cutting back the amount of porn he was watching for me the last couple months, but he was still watching it at least once a week and that still bothered me. In your opinion, do you think he would have been able to keep it that way, in which he watched porn only on an occasional basis or do you think he would have gone back to his old ways? Also, do you think that I just need to learn to accept porn or am I justified in the way that it makes me feel like I'm not enough?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2012): It doesn't sound like he is addicted to it so I think what he was doing is pretty normal and harmless. I think your turning it into this huge symbol of your self worth and putting it all on him, is far more damaging to the relationship than the simple fact that he watches porn. But you are entitled to your own opinion but so is he. Cant you compromise in this rather than being so intolerant? Honestly I think in this age of free Internet porn you'll be hard pressed to find any man who NEVER EVER watches it not even once in a while secretly. Hey even women like porn. Look that whole "50 shades of grey" phenomenon? That is porn for women. Same difference
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2012): If he was watching porn during your entire relationship, regardless of the fights it caused. Then i doubt he would have been able to stick to watching it once in a while. The amount of time he spent watching it would have crept up again. You would have found yourself back at square one pretty rapidly because he has a problem.
I can understand your feelings being hurt, because he placed porn above you. Masturbating to it 5 plus times a week is hardly once in a while! So most of his `sex life` revolved around fantasizing that he was having one night stands with the porn stars while masturbating. That`s really sad! And i doubt he could have changed for you. He would have done so before you split up, had it been that easy for him.
No you dont have to learn to live with anything you dont like. How can you be happy if you do that? He preferred porn, so hes okay! Now you need to find a decent guy who will be more considerate. There are plenty of guys out there who dont bother with porn or only watch it very rarely. You will find one if that is what appeals to you. If you know what you want, dont settle for less or you will never be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): I personally don't have an issue with porn itself, but I do have an issue with anything that comes between two people in a relationship. Whatever the vice may be, whether it drink, drugs, gambling, porn, anything, it can be fine in moderation but in excess it can easily cause problems. And 5 times a week in my opinion is excessive. He is basically showing you he prefers the company of these fantasy women to his own girlfriend. That is bad enough in itself, but to then say to you that he is imagining having one night stands with other women 5 times a week, that is not on in my book. I know it's just fantasy and most people do and should fantasise once in a while, but out of courtesy to your partner it's better not to broadcast it (especially when it's so often), nor should the fantasies become more important and frequent than real sex with your partner. I think you have had a lucky escape here OP. this guy has issues and there are plenty of other guys out there who prefer the real deal to a night in with their right hand. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2012): "Also, do you think that I just need to learn to accept porn or am I justified in the way that it makes me feel like I'm not enough?"
Justified? Well they're your feelings OP so they're not wrong. But as a guy who uses it and who has a girlfriend that uses it, the not enough part doesn't make sense to me and I don't agree with you there.
Here's how I see it, he's going to keep watching it, you're never going to like it so it's time to move on and find a guy who never, ever looks at any other woman in any way ever just in case you get the idea you're not enough.
You may find the discussions in this useful OP it's a similar question. You're not alone in having a huge problem with it and there's nothing wrong with not liking it. Just have to dump your "immoral" "cheating" boyfriend.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/porn-rears-its-ugly-head-again.html
Why are you with a guy who you feel is cheating on you?
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