A
female
age
36-40,
*111loveisgood
writes:I have been in a new very loving and very strong connection type relationship for about 5months now. We both feel like we have never felt with anyone before. Here is the problem. He had a previous fiancé 2 years ago but also has 2 children with them. I feel okay about working out a relationship with his kids I want to have one, I'm very ready for it. Next he has a random woman who he had a very brief relationship claiming she pregnant with his child. Him and I moved in together and shortly after she shows up at out door saying she has no place to go and since he is not sure if this baby is his or not he can't find it in himself to let her be homeless. So I been living the past 2 months with his ex pregnant gf. I chose not to leave cause I figured I could be the better woman and show we can still find happiness in all this. Plus when the time come maybe it won't be his child. We can carry on with our plans of marriage and our own 2 children in the future. But recently she now has had the baby and DNA revealed its his child.Now I'm stuck trying to figure out do I love him enough to look past it all and still try to create my own traditional family and children with him aside from 3 children now from 2 different woman or do I let this go and find someone who has no children and I can find a fresh start to experience all the joys of marriage life and kids a new. I didn't think it would matter to me him having now had so many more life experiences than I. He is 33 I'm 28. I just want true happiness and though the thought kills me deeply inside I'm not sure I can be strong enough to stay in something like this the rest of my life. He is a very very great man. Who I wish was not so careless with a woman he doesn't even love. I just not sure I can do this. Advice please. Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2016): this is too much baggage. You would be better off finding a man who is free to marry you and have kids without a load of half siblings in a large fragmented family.
A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (13 February 2016):
 Male Anon:
What's contraception got to do with being a "quality man"? In fact, it is the opposite: an inferior man relies on contraception, whichever you say is the most effective, in order to mask his inferior ability to choose the right woman to be the mother of his children. The more effective contraception he uses, the more inferior is he in demonstrating his ability to pick a right woman.
The fact that this man, that the OP is referring to, could not even use proper contraception which you appeal to, shows even greater inferiority because he relies on use of other women, like her, to replace his fatherly duties.
Finally, quality man does control whom he impregnates because such man would think through consequences of all and any shoving of his penis into a woman whom he knows he isn't fit to be with and the children. This means a quality man is not some animalistic reactionary who satisfies his erection by random sex with the closest vagina. The fact that OPs guy has failed on these accounts, implies that she shouldn't be with him, particularly because she wants "traditional marriage" something that this guy has ruined not just by birthing children whom he can't raise but is now messing with the OP so that she picks over his inadequacies.
An additional problem is that her guy never attempted any serious fathering of the children he conceived. Say, a man with 2 children who exited out of a marriage in which he tried over the years to mend fences is a different story because such men have a track record of attempting to be a proper father. But her guy has had ZERO attempts at fatherhood, just pregnancies, which I venture to say he wasn't too thrilled about. Any woman should stay away from such men, who never gave it any go at a serious child rearing like this guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2016): @ Garbo:
A "quality man" doesn't control who he impregnates or not. Condoms are the least effective & least practical birth control method. We don't have any other BC methods. Men do not have abortion options or morning-after pills either.
If you are really male then you should know this. Men will never get fairer treatment from the courts & better BC methods if we don't start demanding it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 February 2016):
 You where the better woman for staying in the house. That must have been hard living with your boyfriend and someone who was carrying his baby. You are a stronger woman than I would have been.
Now everyone makes mistakes. He obviously saw a future with his ex fiance and that is why they had two children together, however sometimes love just doesn't work out. It sounds like he was careless with this other woman, but I am glad he is taking responsibility, he does sound like a good man.
But being a good man, is that enough for you? If you choose to marry him and settle with him, then you need to be prepared that he has three children. Children cost a lot, so a lot of his income will go on providing for them three children, that is before you even have a child. You really need to think long and hard before you decide if this is what you want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2016): I think you can do better, and deserve better.
You are certainly a very good person, and very strong, for being able to live with a boyfriends pregnant ex-girlfriend! I don't know that I could do the same in your position.
If you were to start a life and family with this man, you would be put 3rd after his other children's families. I don't think you should resign yourself to that. His income will be affected greatly by this for the next 2 decades, or longer if he ever loses a job and gets behind in support to the state. His time will be greatly affected by this, since he will have to spend time with his 2 other families now.
I assume he will expect you to be a mother figure to 3 children who are not even yours also, which is a hard and thankless job. It could bring you some drama with his exes, and if he is not a good leader/father for his kids they may not respect you or treat you well either.
Also, you have not been with him very long, but I hope you have been having safe sex. If not, please get yourself checked out to be safe. He obviously had unprotected sex with women on a regular basis before he met you, and some diseases are hard to detect but still have lasting consequences.
I don't this this guy is good marriage material. He has made too many very bad choices with life-changing consequences. Why should you pay the price too?
My opinion is that you should find someone who can meet you on the level and give you the time and attention you deserve. I know it will be hard, but less hard than living life in the situation you are in for decades to come.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (11 February 2016):
If you were my sister or daughter I would tell you to run away from this guy because he has no clue how to be a father. A quality man thinks before he impregnates. A good father chooses one woman to have children with because his children require one mother for their well being. This guy already has 2 mothers of his children and that isn't good for those kids and he is on a verge of getting a third woman involved.
There is no "traditional family" with this guy because he already ruined it for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2016): Well, speaking as someone who MARRIED a guy with 3 kids from 2 mothers - as much as I love him, I didn't and don't love ALL the drama that came with the ex-wife and the ex-gf and of course the whole financial side of him having 3 kids whom he took financial responsibility for (which he should) but it has meant that OUT kids have gone without a lot of things/sports/vacations etc. But I DO love his kids so maybe that outweighs some of it.
BUT then the whole... not wanting the maybe-baby-mommy be homeless - yeah, that might make him seem like a good guy, but I'm sorry, I would have walked right then and there. And never looked back.
And is the baby-mommy still living there? And how long? Now that she had his baby he can't really let her be homeless either....
Sorry, TOO much drama for me.
I love my husband, but I could have done with all the drama that HIS past created over the years. I am not saying I regret it, we have some awesome kids and a decent marriage/partnership - but it has been a constant struggle to maintain everything and there are definitely times where I feel like I drew a short straw. It however is what it is, and we make it work. If I had known everything that I know now - I would not have married him. And that is a fact. Even if he is a good man.
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