A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:dear aunts and uncles,i seem to be in a pickle here. heres whats going on my daughter started work with me last aug. in nov. she hooked up with a man i have known for a few years who also worked there. now when i say known i mean we have worked together, i dont know him outside of the job. anyway he is almost 50 and she is early 20s. i didnt say anything about it because i figured it was just an infatuation. than i find out he was married, and his wife found out threw him out and he talked my daughter into moving in with him. i still said nothing, did nothing she is a grown up, but she still acts like she is in her teens and i didnt want to lose her or my granddaughter,(oh yea she has a child from a previous boy)well im already feeling pretty much slapped in the face because of all of this, and here comes the next slap my daughter tells me she is pregnant and how both she and he are happy about it. well i get a phone call asking if they can move in with me because they lost their apt. apparantly the ex is getting a nice chuck of his pay, i agree solely on the idea of getting my granddaughter back in the house and i want to see my next grand kid as well. i know that i am part of the reason my daughter is the way she is spoiled is the better term for it. her dad died when she was still in school, and she was my baby, so i gave her everything. i feel like i created a monster, i have such pain inside for this mans ex, cause i know that my daughter broke up that marriage, now grant it it takes two and he was in on it to. i have sat plenty of nights wandering why this man would want a young girl and especially one that acts younger not older, believe me she has not yet grown up, but is playing grown up if you know what i mean. heres the dillima, do i let them stay here with me, cause i just dont see a good outcome of all of this, but the child, or do i tell her she can stay but he has to go he is a grown man and should fend for himself, or do i tell them both to go and push her into reality let life hit her in the face. im not getting any younger here, and if she plans on marrying this man and being with him, shouldnt i let her see how life is going to be with him. i mean he has already proven that he is not able to financilly take care of them. now dont get me wrong he makes good money. but what if something happens that he loses his job, or he is in a wheelchair, cause he has degenertave bones he sees a specialist once a month and gets steroid shots in his spine. or he dies from the diabetes he has. i think that it is time that the young lady grows up. i want her to know that she cant just go around getting pregnant by these guys and expect to get a free ride from it. now that she is with this MAN she has not had to work, and im afraid that if this dont work out she will not be able to support herself. maybe im just speculating here. im just so worried and want whats best for her. i just dont think she has thought about the age between the two, i am closer to his age than she is. i know how i feel at my age of 60 and i know he has a few years on me but i dont have the health issues that he does. am i just being a paranoid mother? was it a dumb part on my half to allow them to move in? what should i do?
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (4 December 2012):
Wow, I am amazed how tough women are on a young womsn who has her life in a mess and not completely from her own doing. I suggest you let them stay, but charge him rent and if he stops paying kick him out. Your daughter on the other hand probably needs all the help you can give her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012):
I know this is a tricky situation and I don't think you should think so low of your daughter.. I fear she may be more attracts to him due to the loss of her own father early on in her life.. And is substituting him to fulfil that need.
I however agree with you and your daughter ex, that having them under your roof is a good idea as I would worry in regard to his age and why he would want someone that is young enough to be his granddaughter.. So I think you should have them in your house under your rules..
And to make sure your granddaughter is protected there so much news about men abusing young children I think it vital you get to know him and maybe who knows you might surprisingly find out that he does love your daughter and is not a perv in regard to your granddaughter ..
I can imagine that your daughter is spoiled.. I hold my hands up I do the same and I have 3 kids though they are quite grounded as well.
Do not be hard on yourself, you did a good job at raising your child safely and lovingly.. Your daughter can not help how she is at the minute, she needs you to educate her to be more grown up and you can help her do this when she with you.. Talk with her.. Tell her you were disappointed with how the relationship started but you are willing to give her the support she needs to see how this unfolds.. You love her but you also need her to grow up some.. Then see how things go.
I wish you all the best and hope this works out for the best.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (4 December 2012):
No way should you let them live with you. It is not right that you should now be having to take care of your grown daughter and her boyfriend that is what, only 10 years younger than you? You're reaching a point where it should be your daughter who is giving back and helping you out, not vice versa. Your daughter hasn't learned even after having her first child at a young age. She doesn't sound like a mother, but rather sounds like a spoiled brat. Now she is pregnant again and has run back to mommy to take care of things, put a roof over her head, food on the table, and look after the children. It's high time that she takes responsibility for her own actions. You can't always be there to look after the grandkids and they need to learn from a responsible mother instead of the lessons she is teaching them now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): I don't think you should let them move in with you. You're going to resent them big time - already you're resenting them. If they live with you, all her 'faults' that you are so strongly upset about - such as the fact that she is even with this guy - is going to be in your face 24/7.
this is her problem and her life, she needs to grow up and take responsibility like an adult. Your letting her move in with you is enabling her to continue shirking responsibility and having others pick up the pieces for her, so dont' do it. Tell her you'll be happy to babysit the grandkids but that's it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Like you said, "she's a grown up", but you don't treat her like a child.
Draw a line, do not let them move in. Do it for yourself and and for her.
"what if something happens that he loses his job, or he is in a wheelchair, cause he has degenertave bones he sees a specialist once a month and gets steroid shots in his spine"
You are not the one who should be worrying about this. These are the thoughts that should be going through your daughter's head, not your's.
I mean this sincerely; the kindest thing you can do is let her learn a life lesson.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): the grandbabys daddy is in the picture, he gets her everyother weekend. and tries to see her every day, he works and goes to school. he is 23 years old and trying to get his life together. he does not want her new bo to have anything to do with his daughter. he says that the relationship between the two of them went to fast and he calls him an old perv and that he dont want someone who went after a young girl being around his daughter. he is glad that they moved in, because he says at least his daughter will be watched and protected. i kinda agree with him, because like i said i worked with him but i dont know him personally. and i too have wondered, what issues he has...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 December 2012):
 It is only natural that you are going to worry about your daughter, at the end of the day she is your baby and always will be. But I think you need to show some tough love here. By your own admission you spoilt her growing up, and she does not show being responsible as an adult. She is pregnant again with her second child and she is relying on you. Off course you want to see your grand children but you should be enjoying a peaceful life not having your daughter and her family in your home. She needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions. I know you worry for her but you cannot have her rely on you so much, she needs to grow up and learn how to take care of herself. I agree that what they done is awful for his poor ex and I hope that he does the decent thing by your daughter. I think you need to sit down with them though and tell them they need to find there own place. Explain that even though you will always be there for her as a mother and a grandmother that you need your own space. Yes she might act like a spoilt child when you tell her but you need to stand your ground and not let her take over your life. She needs to learn by her own mistakes. It is the only way she will grow up. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): I'm afraid you're already regretting let her move in. If I were you I would never ever let them move in with me, not even for the sake of the grandchildren, not only her (because he'll drop by all the time anyway)1. if he loses his job, you'll have to support everyone 2. You'll lose all your freedom, I know because I've seen it happen too many times, you'll be raising the grandchildren, supporting everyone and being shouted at when you less expect, under your own roof! 3. your daughter will never grow up if you're there to fix the mess she got herself into 4. Your daughter needs now the discipline you've never given her, you said yourself you're not getting an younger, what will happen when you die? She has to learn to fend for herself, she's not a baby, she's a mother herself, let her work to provide for her children, where's your grandchild's father? isn't him paying child support? he should.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2012): I suspect the loss of her Father at a young age and you spoiling her has indeed emotionally froze her at a very young age and therefore why she acts younger.I say you let her move in on the condition she attends counselling once a week and has a full time job until she can take materinity leave. As soon as she misses an appointment, she has a week to move out. Make it mandatory.They pay you rent and it is their first priority, next to counselling.She should get some counselling to address her pain from her childhood and to see if she suffers any personality disorders as Narcissists tend to lack compassion and with this; they commmit harm to others as their own agenda always matter more than others or doing what is right.Your Granddaughter doesn't need to learn Mom's attitude and behaviours.KNOW what it is you are dealing with and with this knowledge, you are better able to combat and at least train your daughter she has to live at your expectations and crub her selfish and careless behaviours.
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