A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please help. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now (I am 37 he is 32). At the start of the relationship we had quite an open conversation in which I said that I had never been that interested in having children and that I felt indifferent about it - other things were more important to me. He said at the time that it was "music to his ears" as he felt the same way. Forward wind 3 years to now and we started to have a heated discussion in which he dropped the bombshell that he wanted to have a family within the next 2 years and felt that the future seemed bleak without having children. I understand that feelings can change over time and so this post is less about the seemingly sudden (although clearly its been building) change of heart but that... I have not changed my feelings about it. There is now this difficult, emotive and pretty unbearable silence on the subject which neither of us can speak about. He said that if its not what I want then ok so be it, but I know that the resentment would develop on his part and he is just saying that to smooth things over for now. I wonder if I should just set him free - if having a family is now high on his wish list. I am in the middle of changing career (am studying for a degree and doing other courses to re-qualify). I love this man very much but I cannot just ignore my own views to keep him. Sometimes I feel like a freak without the baby-cravings other women have. I am feeling very low about this whole thing but as if I am now being unfair to this guy. I don't know what to do. Should I let him go? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 May 2009):
 Honestly I didn't want kids until I got pregnant with my oldest. I knew my husband wanted kids but he also knew that I wasn't all gun-ho about kids. I have no regrets in having kids - I enjoy all 3 of them. I love them to bits and they drive me nuts. They make me work harder, have more patience, try harder, be calmer. They changed my life.
I believe that EVERY women have the choice if the want to try for kids or not. If you don't, I think that is perfectly fine. I don't think having kids jsut because, is ever a good reason. You don't want any, he does. If this is MAJORLY important to him (as it is to you not to have any) then yes, I do think you need to let him go.
There is NOTHING wrong for a women to not want kids. Same as there is NOTHING wrong with women who wants them.
*hugs*
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): You are 37. If you ever want to have children, you have to start now, because in your age it will allready difficult to get pregnant.
Best time to get pregnant for a women ist the time between the age of 25 and 30. Ater 30 the fertility is getting lower quite fast and after 25 it gets lower very quick.
If you never want to have children - that's ok. It is your decision. But if you want to have some sometimt, but are just not ready yet, by the time you will be ready, nature will be against your will (you know, you will have your period until the age of about 50, but that doesn't mean you can get pregnant until that time!!!).
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (29 May 2009):
 To be fair you are 37, so if you are planning kids then do it now because you haven't got that long left. If I was you I would try to start a family, it may be difficult with you career but you may regret it later on. X
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): First of all stop thinking you are a freak.
You have made a wise and more importantly,a mature decision about children. Many people have kids and then go on to regret it, which only ruins their lives and the lives of innocent children.
It is good to hear that you are standing by your conviction to not become a parent.
However, if your partner wants to have children then it is unfair on him to be in a relationship where this will not be a possibility. However strongly you feel about not wanting a child in your life, he feels just as strongly about having one in his. No one should deny him the right to have kids.
If he is saying 'its okay' but only to make life easier in the short term then (as you said) there will be a build up of resentment on his part over the coming years. This will not make for a peaceful and happy home environment or a healthy relationship. Also the fact that you can not talk about this issue is not a good sign. Clearly this subject means a great deal to both of you.
Unfortunately, this is a binary issue. You can either have children or not have children, there are no in- betweens. I am not at liberty to say if you should let him go or not, this is a choice that only you can make.
Best of luck on whatever you decide.
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A
female
reader, older1sttimemom +, writes (29 May 2009):
The good news here is that you have been up front about everything from the start and have also been very vocal about it with him throughout your relationship (so there is no surprise here for him).
I am sure he is struggling too with what to do. It is very hard when two people love each other but differ on this issue. I was faced with this in my early thirties (was engaged to a much older man -he originally told me he wanted kids but it changed -we eventually broke up as I wanted children).
I think you need to go somewhere and have a talk about this -it can't just be one of those quickie conversations you have in passing. You really need to talk this over with him and express your concerns (about him developing resentments, etc. -and not fulfilling his dreams).
The problem (as you know), that the two of you love each other and it is hard to just say goodbye. It is easier in the short term to just brush this under the rug. However, time is slipping by and if the two of you aren't meant for each other, you are holding each other back from finding the right person in your life. Trust me, I can relate on this -I didn't get married for the first time until I was almost 37 (after only dating for 10 months)....I wasted so much time on previous relationships that weren't going anywhere...not a good place for either of you to be in at this stage in your life or relationship.
I don't see how it can possibly work -I know first hand that if kids are on ones mind, it is really not a negotiable. Granted, there are no guarantees your boyfriend can have kids -a lot of people assume they can just pop out a few kids -but there are no guarantees -he could end up marrying someone else only to find she can't have kids or vice versa (and adopting is not easy).
My thoughts and prayers are with you both -please let me know if I can help.
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