A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner is five years younger than me (I'm 33, he's 28). Before we got together, I told him I was worried about the age gap as I don't think I'm willing to leave trying to have children later than 36, as I don't think it's safe. He said he wanted kids in "five to ten years". The thing is, we've now been together three years and I feel like time is passing, but he still says he wants to wait "five to ten years". We have a good relationship and get on well, but he seems to be nowhere near ready for fatherhood (he said he does want kids, but I think that's because he was thinking about it in a theoretical way, rather than an applying it to our life way). His job isn't very stable - he's a cartoonist - and although he's relatively successful he doesn't make enough for himself to live off. He seems to think I can just have a kid when I'm 40 and its no big thing, but I don't think that's a viable option. It seems crazy to leave a good relationship with a man that says he wants children just because he doesnt seem ready, and try and find someone else in that short amount of time I have, but the thought of not having a child hurts my heart. I don't feel I can put pressure on him as he knows how I feel and I know he struggles enough to look after himself, never mind someone else. What should I do?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2013):
 You are together three years.. he's not totally an adult yet and can't support himself.
Also he's just a partner...do you not want a HUSBAND to have children with?
I think that in this case the age gap is not the issue.... my ex husband and I got married when he was 23 I was 21. 3 years later we had our first child and then 2 years after that our second.
If your partner is not ready now, he's not ready now. IF you are... well then I think it may be a case of having to either give up the dream of him to find a man to have children with or give up the dream of children to be with this man who is not yet at 28 able to support himself.
only you can decide the path you want to walk down.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (10 March 2013):
 "His job isn't very stable - he's a cartoonist - and although he's relatively successful he doesn't make enough for himself to live off.""I know he struggles enough to look after himself, never mind someone else. "Why exactly do you want to have a child with him? He is not ready mentally, emotionally and financially. He is RIGHT; he SHOULD NOT have children if that is the case. He is being smart. He is considering his own current state and how that would negatively impact a future child. What's the point of having a child if you cannot support and above all if you don't really want it? You need to separate your desire for a child with the reality of your current partner. Just because you want to have a child doesn't mean it's the best option for that child. You yourself will have to choose if you want to wait and hope that maybe his 5-10 years become true, or you move on.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 March 2013):
 If you want children in your life then the clock is approaching midnight.
Your guy may be a nice companion but he is comfortable being partially supported by you. He may or may not be ready to have children after you reach menopause, at which point getting pregnant will be nigh on impossible.
I have friends who went through 12 years of menopause before their only child was born when my friend was 42. And IVF is not easy, it's exhausting, emotionally draining and expensive.
If a baby is important you do have some immediate decisions. And one decision Could be that you become a sole parent.
It will not be easy to go down that path.
You could talk to your doctor about storing some of your eggs but you have no guarantee that they will still be viable in a few years time.
The worse solution would be to bring a child into the equation with your current partner if he is a reluctant father. Because the child will eventually realize this truth.
You sound ready for children, he does not sound ready to be a father at all.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (10 March 2013):
 Hi
He is nowhere near ready, he can't support himself financially so bringing a very expensive child into the equasion would be foolish.he isn't 30 yet so has years to establish himself and have children.
If however *you* have the financial means to bring up a child then maybe that's an option, a career break,then he does childcare when you go back to work? But I don't think he's ready emotionally yet either.Talk to him,tell him exactly how your feeling,he may surprise you.
You also may have to move on, find another man,but as you say that could take ages and your clock will still be ticking.
ood Luck x
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