A
male
age
36-40,
*ecord6688
writes:This is kinda long so bear with me guys...I'm a gay man and I've been in a fantastic relationship with my partner for over a year and a half and he decides he wants to end it all of a sudden because of a lack of physical feelings after a month long trip in Europe without me. The frustrating thing when we broke up he said he still loves me, cares for me more than anyone, that i mean the world to him. He also said he didn't want anything to change and still wanted to spend the weekends together and that the only reason he wanted to end it was because of a lack of physical desire and just wants to remain best friends.From the moment we met we knew we worked together. Our personalities were scarily similar but our interests were so different that it kept things interesting. We spent at least 3 days a week together from the first week we met. It was an incredibly close relationship.In the months leading up to the breakup there was a definite lack of sex but this is because of certain insecurities that he had. These all stemmed from one time when he wasn't able to "perform". from this point he always had an excuse... "I have a headache, etc..." These excuses soon became bigger and more worrying, "I don't want to because I feel fat and disgusting". I reassured him that i thought he was the most beautiful guy in the world but he bushed off any compliments I gave him. About one month later he moved home to save money for a trip to Europe and this was most certainly the final nail in the coffin of our sex life.I'm even more frustrated as he never did anything about these insecurities. For example he'd go to the gym but come home and stuff his face with food. I never brought this up with him because I knew it'd hurt him and he'd get angry at me for bringing this up. (looking back I guess I should have brought it up)There was one night when we booked a hotel room and decided to have a night out in the city. When we came back I tried to initiate something with him and he broke down in tears and said "I'm so scared that you'll leave me because I don't have a libido". I asked him if it was me and he assured me it wasn't. We agreed to work on it and talk about it when we weren't so drunk and when we calmed down a bit but we never did. When I tried to bring it up he'd brush it off and ignore the problem. He said he went to a doctor about it once but he never followed it up.Anyways, he went on a month long trip of Europe and the whole time we sent each other messages saying how much we loved and missed each other. The night before he left we finally had a talk and agreed that we'd try new things and work on our sex life when he came back. Two weeks after he got back he dropped the bombshell on me that he wanted to end it because of the lack of sex before we ever got to do anything to re-ignite the spark, we kissed etc but never did "it".We've spoken a few times since the breakup and he goes on about how he misses me, loves me, etc... We've also agreed the relationship was perfect aside from the sex life. Another frustrating thing is that I've told him about the problems (from my point of view) and I'm willing to work through things with him but he just gets angry and refuses to admit there is a problem and that nothing could have saved the relationship but still thinks of me as a very special friend. He's also admitted to me that he's not looking for sex with another guy.I guess what I'm asking is where should I go from here, I've put everything on the table, poured my heart out to him and he still won't listen. I hate it that he is causing all this pain for both of us.Do I leave him alone and cut him out of my life or do I pursue this "friendship" that he wants and that he'll sort himself out? Ideally I want him back but at the same time I'm not going to wait around for him. I still love him and he still loves me. This is all so frustrating!!!!!
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best friend, broke up, drunk, libido, money, sex life, sex with another, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 you wont be able to move on while you two are still friends. for whatever reason he just isn't very sexually motivated and i think he wants to hang on to you for emotional purposes which you wont enjoy as it will be like being together without having sex which is what is currently making you unhappy.
move on and cut him off- if he wants to get back with you he will make it obvious, as it is he doesn't want a relationship yet wants to prevent you from moving on. the break up was HIS choice but he has dog in the manger syndrome (doesn't want you, doesn't want anyone else to have you.
you dont need this crap to be fair
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (21 September 2010):
 As much as it hurts to hear, only he can change his ways. At the moment he's refusing to admit that there is a problem here, and until he takes the first step to actually admitting it, then there is nothing you can do about it i'm afraid...
You can offer all the advice and support you can until you're blue in the face, but even then it may not work. Ask yourself if you are willing to stick by him as a friend to help him admit his problems, or if you just feel like he's never going to change. Admittedly, not all relationships revolve around sex, but it is something that should come naturally in a commited relationship.
I had a similar situation at the beginning of the year, my boyfriend always seemed to struggle with his feelings/emotions/problems and although i had suggested many things to try and help, he either wasn't interested, or couldn't be bothered to do them. In the end, i left him, and that's when he had a complete turn around and actually realised that he was in the wrong. Now this may happen to you, it may not, but you need to decide whether or not to stay or go...
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