A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will preface this by saying my bf is not a family guy (his family is not close and his parents were borderline abusive), while I am very close to mine. I'm trying to be understanding of this, but it's frustrating. The other piece of background info you need is that we are currently long distance. I spent Thanksgiving alone with him and we'll be spending New Year's together.Today was Christmas. The past two years he has come to my family Christmas. This year I invited him and he said no. My feelings were hurt, but I let it go. He did not want me to stay at his place for the holiday break, because it would be "like I was moving in or something," so I went home to my parents. The day after I got in I made the two hour drive to his place and stayed for two nights. During which time he voluntarily offered to come for Christmas. I thanked him and told him I'd love for him to come, but I was also a bit leary. He came up to visit me for a day and then went home abruptly, because my Mom called from work and asked me to help out with some chores around the house, because she was going to be late getting home and he didn't want to get involved in "family stuff."The following day was Christmas Eve. We had left it up in the air as to when he would come Xmas Eve or Day. We were trying to figure out sleeping arrangements, so I called to ask when he was coming. He said he didn't know, could he call me later and I said "sure." I must have sounded huffy or something, because he then said that he had things to do and he'd just come tomorrow. He sounded annoyed but I let it go.That night when I called to say goodnight, he sounded odd, so I asked if there was a problem. He said he was upset because I rudely forced him to answer that afternoon and made him feel uninvited. Also, he was mad because I had never asked how he wanted to spend Christmas or offered to spend it with him instead of my family and he was sick of being the bottom priority in his life.On Christmas, I called again to find out his plans. He called me back an hour later and told me he felt too uncomfortable, didn't want to spend Christmas there and didn't want to come. Then he told me I was inconsiderate of his feelings and that he was mad at me, but he didn't want to get into a fight, so we could talk later. I asked what he wanted me to say his excuse was and he told me to tell my family whatever the F I wanted. It wasn't his problem.I was upset, but I calmed down, went downstairs and quietly told my parents that he wouldn't be coming and avoided answering when they asked why.Meanwhile, he spent Christmas alone, I spent Christmas with my family. Then he called me at night and we got into a huge fight. I feel like he's asking me to choose between him and my family. He says that's unfair to say, since I made him choose between spending Christmas alone or with my family first.So my question is this - Am I wrong? Even though he never invited me over should I have just told him I was coming over at X time? Am I out of line to want to spend Christmas with my family? Is it too much to ask him to be there as well? Many Thanks!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): This is a very difficult one but i do understand both sides. I myself came from a very small family who are all now dead and will not under any circumstances spend Christmas Day with my boyfriends family. I do feel uncomfortable even though they make me feel welcome and I just cannot wait to leave. I think it all depends on what you are used to in life. I have been married and again would never go, husband used to have to go to his parents and I would be left alone. I was quite happy as I enjoyed the TV and the peace but he would kick off saying I was being rude, disrespecting him etc. It all depends if you are a sociable person or are able to force yourself to do this for one day or if it is something which causes you so much grief and consternation that you would rather risk losing the person you love or have a huge fight rather than go. I realised a long time ago that I was unable to participate in this side of things for anyone however much I loved or cared for them and it is true to say that my 'attitude' has caused a lot of trouble for everyone in the past. Your boyfriend obviously does not have close family ties and is uncomfortable in this environment - he obviously wants you on a one to one with only him. Looking at my ex husband and boyfriends they were all extremely close to their parents and family and they loved the warmth and attention they got from them. I was never jealous of this it was just something that wasn't for me. I am pleased that you feel so close to your family as Christmas is a time for families. Your boyfriend is upset because of the range of emotions Xmas causes and he probably knows as I did that it would have been the 'right' thing to do to come with you but he felt unable to comply. If you love him i would not dwell on this as he will feel uncomfortable and maybe say that next year if he would like it that it could be just the two of you. I hope this helps a bit,
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2008): Sorry but your boyfriend sounds like a creep! don't feel guilty for spending it with your family. He was invited to come but said no. Why say no? why would he jusy change his mind? Maybe he's not seeing him self in the relationship anymore.
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