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writes: Hi everyone. Five years ago I sold my house and moved in with my partner at his request. He had previously lived here on his own for 15 years and has never been married or had children of his own. My children are in their 30's and this is where the problem is. I want them to think of this as their home at Christmas or visits etc. but my partner has admitted he finds it irritating to have other people in the house for more than a day or two (other people include my children). They both have their own homes but have always been close to me and visit several times a year. I now find that I'm already dreading Christmas as last year the atmosphere was awful. It's not as if my children are unpleasant - quite the opposite. Everyone tells me they are a credit to me. They have not had an easy life, their father deserted us when they were aged 7 and 5 and I have brought them up on my own. I am very proud of them but I also love my partner. I am at my wits end. I'm realy afraid that it will end up with me having to choose between my man and my children and have to leave. At my age (58) it will not be easy starting out all over again. By the way, I have tried discussing this with my partner and he admits he has a problem (which is good) but he wont do anything about it. I did threaten to leave once and he begged me not to saying he would try harder and makes promises which are never kept. Any advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, aliyahnangelo  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I can relate to this problem. My own mother has a husband like this. I am out of my mother's house but my brothers aren't. Her husband is so anal that my brothers aren't even allowed to go in certain parts of the house. If he refuses to keep his promises and continues to not try and find solutions to his "problem", then you have to leave. You seem like a very loving person and mother so I would assume that you wouldn't want your children to resent you for him making them feel unwelcome. Thats how I feel about my mother for letting her man treat me and my brothers like we're a burden. If he refuses to fix it, then you don't need him. There are plenty of fish in the sea!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the trouble to reply. I particularly found the reply from the anon lady in her 40's who saw it from the other side helpful in trying to understand how he feels.
All your replys were very helpful in lots of ways and again thank you so much. I guess all relationships are 'swings and roundabouts'. I do have another issue with him which I will ask advice on - I would be very interested to hear what others think. I will put it under the heading 'why wont he use my name'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Oh my, I feel for you. Feeling that you have to choose between your partner and your family must be agonizing for you. That's not a decision that anyone should ever have to make. And it's certainly not a decision that you should have to make over something so relatively insignificant.
Your partner is being hugely selfish about this. It's simply not enough to say 'I just don't like having other people around'. Many of us feel tense, stressed, nervous, or even annoyed by our in-laws. Hell, some of us feel like that around our families! Many people find it hard work to wait on guests hand and foot when they come, and struggle to deal with personal, political, and religious differences. And many of us breathe a secret sigh of relief when our in-laws leave after a visit. But that discomfort absolutely does not provide an adequate excuse for prohibiting visits. Because the fact is, when you love someone, you make compromises and you do things to make them happy, even if those things inconvenience you personally. Your partner should gain happiness from seeing you delighted at having your family around at a seasonal time of year, and that pleasure in your wellbeing should outweigh any inconvenience or angst that he experiences.
What also worries me is that your partner chose to behave in a sulky, resentful manner when your family were around. That was very rude and disrespectful of him. Not only does such behaviour he show no care for the feelings of others but it's a really immature way of dealing with things. It sounds like he needs to grow up and realize that there are other people in the world!
Surely there has to be a reasonable compromise that can be made here? A visit of 5-7 days a couple of times a year is hardly unreasonable to ask. Perhaps there are ways of making this easier for your partner- for instance, by arranging to go out with your children during some part of the day without him, thus giving him space and room to relax in peace for a few hours. Perhaps if he doesn't feel that he's having to spend every waking hour with others, he will relax more when you are together and everyone will have a nicer time? Maybe eating out more, to save on domestic labour and disruption, could also help?
I think you need to sit your partner down and explain how big an issue this is for you, at the same time asking whether there is anything you can do to make the family visits less stressful for him. Try to bring him to see it as a process of negotiation, not a 'win/lose' situation.
Also, it's never too late to start again! My grandma got married in her 70s. You're a spring chicken by comparison! :)
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I understand the situation. I don't think it would do any good to threaten to leave anymore but I think you should be able to spend some quality time with your children.
I don't know if money is an issue here but how about getting a room (or a couple of rooms) and have a three day Christmas Family adventure for everyone. This way you can be with your kids and you boyfriend can either join you or not. You can even find a room with a kitchen area so you can cook.
I can see you wanting to be with your family and I don't think you ever should do anything that pushes your kids away. I also can see your guys issue because he hasn't had to compromise in his life to make room for others.
The thing that concerns me more is what becomes of you if something happens to him? Is the house yours or are you out the door? Make sure you are not homeless should he go before you.
Take care and enjoy your Christmas holiday with your family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): I am in my late 40's and am in a similar situation but from your partners side. I have a large house and my husband moved in with me. He wants his children to come over and stay for Christmas etc and last year this happened and it was truly awful. I just couldn't wait for them to go. My peace and quiet was disturbed and this year I have made it clear that they are not welcome to sdat overnight. He isn't too happy and I can cope for the odd afternoon but I do not want them staying in my home. I feel like my privacy is invaded. Mu husband is saddened by this but the stress and turmoil it caused me before and causes me now to even think about it is too much. i have even told him i will pay for him to rent a country house for them all for Christmas and I can then come and go but i don't want them under my roof. i am very solitary and insular and I just don't like these family situations. I do suggest if possible you think of renting a cottage or something so they are removed from his home and then you can enjoy planning that and he won't feel swamped or unhappy about it all and you get yoyr family for Christmas. He sounds very like me and although they are obvioulsy nice people he dosn't want what he would class as strangers in his onw home.
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