A
female
age
51-59,
*T35
writes:So it comes to this - nearly six years in a relationship and I am online looking for answers to the questions I have created for myself. It's simple really, I am in a relationship that I want to get out of. I am in need of a miracle that can kick me up the backside. I need to see sense. I am in denial if I think things will improve because they are getting worse, and I am seriously affected if I think (and then manage to convince myself) that I am a happy in this current state. I am not. The guy is great. He could be considered a handy tool to have around the place but I don't want a tool! He obeys my every command and while it's nice not to stress when you ask, "Can you take out the rubbish" I don't want a 'yes man'. Our sex life is, well, lest said. I have dreams and goals and cannot seem to achieve them. Even with 'support'. I feel as if I am being dragged down. He has this "if it's laying there, it's fair game" philosophy on everything yet we live in a house that's falling apart. I do love him, he is a loveable person and would lay down his life to protect his family and those weaker people who can't defend themselves but it feels wrong. I am tired of worrying about the next bill, (I work as well) I am fed up with looking at broken lights, carpets that aren't down, damp in the back bedroom, absolutely pigging sick of it. He works long hours but then makes a promise to lay the carpet, drinks a beer during the football and he's asleep. I am cruel if I wake him (so his mother says) because of the hours he works, but he promised to do something for me. Do I have to keep sitting back? Do I have to accept that this is my life?I have given up in so many senses, lost my fight and am ready to throw it all in and run away, but I have my child to consider, the only real father she has know has been this bloke. Do I stay for her and just swallow it or do I leave and try again?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): It sounds like you've made your decision so good luck. A woman shouldn't have to hire an electrician when her man is sitting on the couch.
I jsut hope he has at least the slightest clue what he is in for.
A
female
reader, DT35 +, writes (21 April 2009):
DT35 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStarfish - you sound like a nice well adjusted type. Thank you for what you said. Army wife has her points too. When I sit down a review the last six years, my love is true, which is the hardest part.
Over that time I have tried various tasks, been taught many things, and resented the 'anon' attitude because I can do the majority of stuff in a house myself, and am proud of that. Like most people there are certain things I cannot do and don't mind admitting it. When I actually ask for help, which is a difficult thing for me to do, when the white Knight comes riding in, it'd be nice if he actually saw it through and carried me off on the horse rather than announcing he's off to his mum's again to fit her new kitchen! I am finding fault more and more, and have sat him down several times over the last year or so trying to keep it together but I'm missing out on me, and if that's selfish, then guilty. I am concentrating on helping him with his career rather than mine, I had a game plan when I met him that's escaping me as the days pass.
Telling me what I want to hear is not me. I prefer opinion and then make my own judgements. The advice people give is freely and with thought. And I thank them for their time.
My choice is made. Life is for living. Not regret. It is to be enjoyed. Life also offers one other marvellous thing.... Yellow Pages and an electrician is coming to me on Friday - costing 75 notes.....which is a cost I could do without but hey, have to satisfy the public vote :D
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Dear DT35,
I don't think you do have to accept it. Its your life. You choose how to live it - not him.
The thing that hasn't been mentioned that i can see - is have you told him you are sick of this? And that he is now on a red card warning?
Talk to him - tell him you want equality back or its game over. In my view he is just parasiting off of your good work and your cooking. Tell him what you want. (note full stop) but thats only if you can find the energy to try.
What does his Mum have to do with it? you are a grown up and so is he.
The child will get over it if you choose to move. Its not running away - more walking towards something more forfilling that will be better for both of you. (this is what i would do, based onwhat you have said)
You have 1 life - don't waste it in something unforfilling. Go live.
on another note:
Anon poster - "nothing the aunts say will be what you want to hear" great line.... because telling people what they want to hear is always the reason they come here....we give advice based on what we know and what the question is. We guess and are bias. We aren't professionals just willing and mostly wisen'd volunteers. Sometimes though we do help.
Hugs Star.x.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): lol.. well if you jsut came up with your own answer then i am happy for you. I've not been able to tell if you're married or not if you're not then it makes walking a lot easier.
I just hope that you have sat him down and told him everything that is wrong and how you expect to solve these problems.
I don't have a problem with little bugs, or even an occasional spider. It's the weird millipede things i get with like, 10000 legs and huge lng bodies.. and then the hundreds of tiny bugs that come to eat it once i killed it but was too freaked out to clean it up untill the next day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Nothing the Agony Aunts will say will be what you want to hear. So... go ahead and move on with your life. I am sorry that you dont like any of the constructive suggestions made, but you sound like you are terribly needy and your expections are unrealistic. Good Luck in your life as a single person.... who are you going to get to fix the light? Wake up and learn to do things for yourself!!
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female
reader, DT35 +, writes (20 April 2009):
DT35 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMuch better, but to clarify, he is not the father. Her father is a waster, and while I agree that being a woman doens't mean you can't lay a carpet....it does when you tried and nearly lost your fingers. I could be on my own, clearing away all those bugs, have done it. Didn't mind it. What I find annoying is that he will do all these types of things for others while we live in a run-down house that was immaculate when he moved in! I increased my working hours when he moved in and the whole place is going to rack and ruin. He makes promises then it's "Oh, mum's asked me to go round 'Janes' and fix her tap" I can't even turn on the tap in the bathroom! Do you see what I mean? He works hard, but so do I and no one gives me credit for being a housewife and worker! He sounds sweet? He is, to other people and their needs.
I think it's time to walk. No matter what I say everyone sees his side, his perfect attitude on the outside, not the anger I feel at the missed dinners, wasted lunches, half my house falling apart because he can't say no.....So maybe I should walk....there, these pages do work after all!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Oh, and i know the feeling of having a dog instead of a borfirend. So in the beginning of my next relatoinship, i told him straight up..
I don't want a dog on a leash, i want someone who can stand up for himself and say "no" to me when he finds it apprpriate.
If you tell him how you feel, he may even be delighted to here that you don't want him following your every command. (not saying you command.. just going off what i read).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Hi, i'm 38 & i've been in your exact situation. I let it happen to me because i was scared to leave & be on my own. He promised me the world but only managed to do things for other people! The answer you are looking for is NO, you most certainly DO NOT have to accept that this is your life. I'm divorced now & could'nt be happier, there's money in the bank, happy children & a house that does'nt need repair!! :) Sometimes we need to look beyond what makes us into who we are - to see who we could become. I'm a stronger, more confident person now & it shows in all i do!! Hope this helps - Vixey.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): That's true.. he does sound like a good man to have. And the fact that you are a woman does not mean you can't lay down carpet.
However, if it really does not "feel right" and it wouldn't feel right even if laid the carpet down weeks ago, and there is nothing to you can do about this not right feeling, then you have to do what makes you happy. and you know what that is...
But, before you resort to breaking any hearts or doing any paper work, there are ways to help your relationship. There is counseling and therapy and books to read and jsut plain oldl you and him sitting down with each other and getting all the problems out in the open so that you can come up with solutions.
I think that it's more the siuation you are in that is making you look at your man in this way more then it is hiim being not good for you. Myabe he is jsut handleing the situation a little better or more differently or he is jsut too tired.
but really, who ISN'T tired of fearing the next bill?
I love my tiny, bug-filled, dented, scratched, and REALLY loud-neighbored apartment and I love everything that my husband does to make the next bill possible. and since he's not here, i have to kill every single bug on my own! can you imagine???
Try a little harder for him. He sounds so sweet.. don't resort to leaving him just yet.. there are solutions out there. If you love someone enough to be with him for that long and have his child, then you must love him enough to stay in a crappy home for a while until things get batter.
"FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE."
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female
reader, DT35 +, writes (20 April 2009):
DT35 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I posted this I was thinking about all aspect of my life, I may come across as ungrateful, I am not, and to expect give and take in a relationship is normal. I do all the usual 'housey' things like hoovering, cooking, cleaning, washing and work....is it so much to ask for a little bit back? If I say "I promise to do this....." I do it...why am I being torn apart for want that back? Anon and their rubbish advice of do it yourself, has an element of 'fair enough' to it....when someone has promised to do something you expect them to carry out that promise. If Anon doesn't then she/he must be the sort to break them all the time.
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reader, DT35 +, writes (20 April 2009):
DT35 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionANON - No I think that you are happy to sit back and moan about the lack of effort he is putting into the house.
DT - Happy to moan....no. I hold it all in normally and smile sweetly, with his mother breathing down my neck on a regular basis. I am at the end of a long line so wrong there. Keep the day job.
ANON - What are you doing? If the light fitting is broken, fix it yourself!!
DT - I ended up in A&E the last time I tried DIY. I am a brilliant chef, I have no idea about eletricity, Health and Safety would love you on their team. So wrong again.
ANON - Or encourage him to work with you when sorting out the carpets.
DT - Does it for his mother without question why do I have to nag? When someone makes you a promise do you not expect them to keep it? The last time I took matters into my own hands it turned into an argument and a trip to A&E.....next?
ANON - You are drifting apart from your hubby and you need to find ways of getting together again. If you think the way he is, is cause for divorce, well think again.
DT - We aren't married and the way he is, an indifferent yes man and that's not seeing anything through, making promises he doesn't keep and putting his job before his family isn't a cause for questioning the relationship you and he would be perfect together!
ANON - There are lots of women out there who would love a faithful, employed and kind man in their lives.
DT - And as I say, I do actualy love the man, what I would like is a little more backbone.....
If you have something constructive to say please feel free, if all you want to do is advertise how perfect you are and how single you sound then try match.com but you know what, thanks, you have managed to add to the list of ever growing concerns....your 'advice' has made me question me it more. You were right, 'think again'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): No I think that you are happy to sit back and moan about the lack of effort he is putting into the house. What are you doing? If the light fitting is broken, fix it yourself!! Or encourage him to work with you when sorting out the carpets. You are drifting apart from your hubby and you need to find ways of getting together again. If you think the way he is, is cause for divorce, well think again. There are lots of women out there who would love a faithful, employed and kind man in their lives.
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