A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm going away for the weekend with my boyfriend. He told me to bring a pen to write postcards with. He has a female friend whom he used to be in love with before he met me, and I know he will want to send her a postcard, he sent her one a year ago when we went away together before.I have always felt jealous of this friend, I feel threatened by her because she is extremely pretty and he used to have feelings for her. My boyfriend is aware of how I feel. He says he doesn't have feelings for her anymore, but I still feel jealous of her, and it annoys me that she always gets her way whenever they meet up and he is always doing things to try and please her. Like, I frequently get the bus to see him, but when she meets up with him she has to be picked up. And she seems very uncomfortable about the fact that I'm his girlfriend, and always looks away whenever he kisses me, which makes me wonder if she is starting to have feelings for him now. Which I suppose is another reason I see her as a threat.I don't want him to send her a postcard. It's our romantic break, and I don't want to feel like she's a part of it too. So my question is: if we are on a romantic weekend break, just the two of us, do I have a right to ask him not to send a postcard to the girl he loved before me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): You are setting yourself up to be hurt in the near future. You don't just fall out of love with someone----it takes time and even then, time is no guar. that the feelings you have for the person will cease. Lesson learned: Never, ever get involved with someone who is still in contact with an ex they were "in love" with because, there just might be a chance they could leave you for the other person.
If your boyfriend was aware that he still had feelings for his ex, he should have never pursued a relationship with you to begin with......he should have never pursued a relationship with anyone at all for that matter. It's selfish to use another human being as a emotional blanket to help soothe their broken heart when trying to get over an ex. He should have braved it out and stayed ALONE, until he was certain that he was completly over her. Moreover, he continues to have contact with her..he writes postcards, he calls her, he thinks about her....what a second...shouldn't he be doing all those things for YOU?
People will only do what you allow them to do you at some point and you have to put your foot down...now rather that means having a talk with him, or leaving the relationship, the choice is is yours, but I wouldn't continue down this path of being second fiddles to his ex or friends or whatever he refers to her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): Hmmm,lots of different opinions on this one. It's a tough call. Personally, I think those small niggling doubts in the back of your head should be noticed right about now. Either way, if you stay or leave him, you are going to have to make him work for your attention just a little bit.
If it were me, I wouldn't bring it up before the trip. Go on the trip, trust your vibes and gut feelings, and wait and see if he writes to her. If he doesn't, good on him. If he does, smile and don't even explain yourself. If he doesn't get the stupidity of the whole thing, then you need to move the hell on and tell him to fricking get his own pen!!
Also, KUDOS to theLazyGuy who posted here below - LOVE your comment! :D I agree, many levels of wrongness.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (28 May 2010):
 he treats her better than you is the essence of what you are saying. if that is how you feel why are you in this relationship. you are meant to be going on holiday but you seem filled to the brink with resentment which is not a good emotion to hold on to. how about you try and enjoy your holiday and ignore him writing postcards and if his actual behaviour towards YOU makes you unhappy then i would suggest your relationship is the problem, NOT her friendship with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 Whoa! It a postcard, no a pre-nup he wants to send her. I think you are being obsessive about something that is really trivial, a postcard.
Personally I think it's a nice gesture to send someone you consider a friend a postcard, after all WHO is he on HOLIDAY/VACATION with? HER or YOU?
Let it go..
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (28 May 2010):
 He asked you to bring a pen so he can send a postcard?
I think there is a lot of wrongness hidden in that statement.
Just how fucking lazy is this guy?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): You have every tight to feel threatened. Doesn't have feelings for her? Ha, ha! Right! And I own some vacation land in Alaska that you can buy.
If he's no longer interested in her, why is he still contacting her and sending her postcards and doing other things for her? There really is no room in his life for a female friend he "used" to love if he's serious about you. He needs to break his relationship off with her 100% if he's with you now. Nothing is acceptable beyond a casual hello when you two run into her.
My feeling strongly is that he's still in love with her. Those kisses he gives you in front of her are probably planned to make her jealous, and it sounds like it's working.
Do you have a right to ask him not to send the postcard to her? Hell, yes! But you shouldn't have to ask him. He should respect your feelings and deign not to hurt you. But the real issue is that he shouldn't have a desire to send her a postcard in the first place.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (28 May 2010):
 It sounds like you are angry with the wrong person. The female friend is not enemy number one here. You feel insecure in your relationship because your boyfriend has contributed to these feelings. If he treats you less respectfully than his female friend then it is telling about his true feelings. If he always leaves you waiting for a bus while the female friend gets collected then it sounds like he doesn't give you priority in his life. Don't be jealous with the girl who gets his priority treatment. Instead ask yourself why you are settling for such shoddy second-best treatment. You ultimately determine how you will be treated in a romantic relationship and shouldn't just put up with bad behaviour. I wouldn't be upset that he sends postcards to his friend on holiday, I would be upset that he behaves in any way that makes you feel uncomfortable. From that feeling of insecurity and upset, I would question the basis of your relationship. It doesn't sound as if he makes you terribly happy and even if you asked him not to send a postcard, you cannot control his thoughts, emotions or future actions. If you feel that insecure in this relationship then I would seriously question if it has a future. If his female friend wasn't around, there maybe other girls in his life at some stage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2010): You and your bf are only going away for a WEEKEND and he wants to write postcards to his ex????
So much for a romantic getaway - his thoughts are on other people!!
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