A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been living together for 6 months and in the beginning he was not employed. The agreement was that he would pay me XX amount of dollars until he went back to work. After he got a new job, then we would revisit the money topic.I own my own business and I make much more than he does. We live in my house and I take care of everything financially. He is very helpful in the house, very neat and clean. He does just about everything I ask him to do. He is great with my kids and he truly adores me. I will be honest..."I AM HIGH MAINTENANCE"...but, I work hard, I play hard and I love harder. I am very giving with my family. I am the rock in my family. When something happens....my family comes to me.My boyfriend started his new job and when he got his first check, I noticed...he was not as giving with his money as I thought he should be with me. We talked again about the finances and I made it clear....if you make more...you must contribute more. He agreed and said he had no problem with that, but when the next pay period rolled around...he started singing a different story. Now...I am a very successful business owner and 1 thing I know...is MONEY! He gave me a decent amount and said his check was short. I said ....O Really....well let me see your stub and we can figure it out!Long story short....he basically made every excuse in the world, soHe would not have to show me his stub. I feel like...we are a team and we are in this thing together. I have shared my home and everything else with you and we should be on 1 accord about the finances and we both should be able to see the finances.I understand that he is very different with money than I am...but is this a "Man" thing or am I truly being controlling? Is this a deal breaker...
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 February 2012):
 I'm glad you sorted it out.
My fiancé and I are in a similar situation. I make more than him and he just lost his job due to moving to be with me in my home from a different state. I get exactly what you are saying.
I have a good government job and thankfully with his severance and unemployment we can make bills... he makes less than I do and always will... but for US what worked was a totally 100% combining of our funds.
What's mine is his and what's his is mine. This included bills I had incurred with my now ex husband who WAS indeed stingy and greedy and selfish about his income (and I had allowed it)... now we are on fair even ground...
I wish you continued success in what seems to be a GREAT start of a relationship.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Honest Answer: Yes, we have talked about getting married but this is still a very new relationship for us, just under 1 year. I am recently divorced & he just relocated from another state & is getting back on his feet, so personally, would not want to rush into another marriage to soon.
When we met...I was not looking for love...but he pursued me...even though he was hesitant of his current situation (not being employed) he said he was so drawn to me and could not let me leave (walmart) without at least saying something to me. It was 3 months before I invited him to my house, because I wanted to get to know him & vice versa. I wanted him to see my heart & not the material things I have. Now, to fast forward...he has so many great qualities...many that I desire in a man as well as some...i could do without qualities. But that's life....the good with the bad & the compromise.
At "YouWish"...I appreciate your candidness, but for us who are new to DC....you may need to repeat yourself a time or two :) be patient with us...that's what the advice is for....right! Now, my goal in asking for his stub was not to control his finances, it was because he was comung up short on his part & he was complaining that check was wrong. because he had previously been shorted on his check & he showed it to me...I was able to figure it out & explain to him the problem. All of a sudden..he gets defensive & now he "Refuses" to show me the stub...which made me feel like he was being dishonest about his pay & was not being fair to me. I know he can't afford my life style & that's not what I expect. I do expect him to contribute fairly based on how much he makes. what I wanted to make clear is....this is not a free ride & I am not a fool.
As it turned out...it was a misunderstanding & some old baggage that affected our emotions with this situation. Once we were able to sort through some things....it became clear & he did let me see the stubs. We agreed to sit down each month to go over the details. He controls his own money & bills & gives me XX amount each month. The End
Again...thank you all, your feedback was.."Relationship Saving" lol.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (4 February 2012):
 Is there a reason why you two have not married? The list you gave, "e is very helpful in the house, very neat and clean. He does just about everything I ask him to do. He is great with my kids and he truly adores me" seems like the secret to a loving relationship.
Once you tie the knot, you will be entitled to he his pay stubs, but until that day I say no.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (4 February 2012):
 Sorry not sure about the joint bank account for you.. UK laws are different, on this Youwish knows more.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 February 2012):
 I hate to keep repeating myself, and even as I type this, I have a sinking feeling that nothing I say is going to get through to you. Please understand that I'm telling you this to protect you and what is yours.
If you are a business owner, I hope you'll possess the ability to separate emotion from financial matters in your life.
I'll lay this out straight: Unless you and he are married (or are in a civil union recognized by your state), you do not have a household. You are you and he is him. It's okay to list the shared expenses, and it's okay if you have better financial acumen to stay on top of due dates and making sure the money comes in. However, if you get your hands in his finances, treat things like a household before they are, then you're going to be in some financial hot water up ahead if he ever bolts on you.
What if you were to get a shared bank account, shared credit cards, shared utilities in both of your name, shared lease, shared mortgage, and he bolts on you? You and your credit will be holding the bag, as well as any other nasty financial black eyes. If he's already showing less than stellar financial discipline, you are REALLY exposing yourself here.
Stay out of his finances. They're not yours to control. You shouldn't put him in a position to be defensive. You're paying the majority of the bills because you want to, and I suspect that he couldn't afford the lifestyle you're wanting anyway. With a live-in relationship that is not a marriage, the optimal is half and half, with the person making the lesser of the incomes setting the pace for the standard of living.
I'll break it down even simpler. If he can only afford $500/month to contribute to rent, it's not fair to have a $3500/month place and then complain about you paying the majority of expenses, demanding the check stubs, managing his finances for him (which is out of bounds!), etc. Better to get a $1,000/month place, split the costs right down the middle, figure groceries and stuff, and whatever's left over is for you two individually to make decisions about.
For you to set up a household budget which includes stuff like clothing, entertainment money, and other aspects that DO NOT affect your living expenses is out of bounds, exposes you, and ultimately will tear your relationship in half, leaving you holding the bag and wondering why you're feeling screwed over.
If he can't afford to live with you, and you haven't agreed upon a standard of living cost that he can live with, then you have no business living together.
When you're married is when you pool the income and make household decisions, because you both are working towards a common goal. But you are not married.
Let me ask you this -- if this was a platonic friend, would you be requiring control of her books? No? Then what's different about your boyfriend? I'll tell you what it is -- emotion and playing house. Only you don't have a marriage or civil agreement to protect you. All you have are two people living together, and you're already chafing him by asking for way too much.
If he can't pay his portion of the bills, then stop living with him. If you want a standard of living out of his reach, then agree to what he pays per month and the leave it alone, because his finances and how much spending money he has and the figure on his check stub are off limits. once life becomes that simple, then the amount of spending money he has versus what you have becomes irrelevant, and you lose all resentful feelings as long as obligations are met.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 February 2012):
And don't be too hard on yourself. Normally I'd say a man or a woman has a right to keep some of their financial dealings private. But your the expert in this, he is having problems getting paid at work, so casually you said, "let me have your pay stub", as in let me work it out. I would do exactly the same. Your the money woman, you know about these things, of course you weren't expecting him to get defensive as he knows your good at this.
As you said, this sounds like a misunderstanding.. I'm glad that together you were able to sort it out.
But watch him... sorry.. keep your business mind on when it comes to the bills. If he's poor and can't contribute, that's understandable, but if he's got money available then he should do his share.
I always like the idea of joint accounts for bills, keeps finance separate from romance.. you both put in money and if there is a problem, it's the bank that's nasty and not you. If he lived alone he would have to explain to the bank and the utility company why his money is short.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have agreed to sit down each month and we both go over all the details of the household expenses.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 February 2012):
 So are you letting him have control over his finances?
I believe it's important for him to learn financial independence of his own, instead of letting you control it all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood Day All...
I just want to follow up on the outcome of my situation & to thank all of you for your feedback. I am very new to this site & it was just a relief that I could share & ask questions to such a wonderful group of people & receive, unbias, objective, straight forward answers. Keeping me very grounded, well versed & able to see other viewpoints & opinions outside of my own.
This situation with the check stub....my guy & I had prevoiusly sat down & agreed that we would go over the finances together. He said he had no problem doing that & he actually gave me his first check stub because he felt that his job had underpaid him. Because that's my expertise, we can figure it out together. Well, the next few checks....he kept saying he was short again....& I ask him to see his check stub....& he defensively refused. This made me feel that he was being dishonest or hiding something....since you've shown me your stub before. Now, I'm feeling that he's taking advantage of me.....because I pay majority of the bills & if your unwilling to show me the stub...maybe he was keep his money for himself.
As it turns out, we both had some baggage that we brought from previous relationships that hurt us in the past. Because I am financially stable, someimes I get devensive, aggressive & a bit insecure if I feel someone is trying to take advantage of me or use me.
From his past relationship, someone took advantage of him financially & when his relationship ended...he walked away with nothing. He trusted this last person & gave her control of the money & it did not turn out well. He was use to being the bread winner, & now he feels insecure because he can't provide for me the way he would like to. He was afraid of giving me control...because of what he went through before.
Because of your feedback, I took a different approach in how to get him to open up & not make him feel that I was his boss. Even though...we had talked about our past before, now we were able to see how old baggage was manifesting in our new relationship. It took a lot of patience, holding of my tongue & inhale....exhale.....before we could actually get to the root of the issue....but we did!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 February 2012):
Holy crap! Are you serious??? I'm a business owner too, and this is outrageous that you're even thinking like this!
If you truly own a business, then the bills are the bills. They don't change whether you have more profits or losses. You pay them because they're a SET figure.
So if you really do own a business, why are you tailoring bills based on what this guy makes? Why not say "You're responsible for half" and the utilities are $X.
To have him move in while unemployed, you're asking to pay for everything until he's back on his feet. Now that he is, he pays agreed upon amounts. You don't look at his stuff, he simply writes a check or pays half in cash, or money order directly to the utilities. If you're in an apartment, he pays his half to the landlord. How easy is that?
The problem is is that he is your BOYFRIEND. He isn't your husband, so you have ZERO right to know anything about his finances. All you need to know is that he pays his bills regularly. Would you treat your college roommate this way? Nope.
You got yourself into a mess because you had him move in with no knowledge of whether or not he could afford the standard of living (he couldn't when jobless!) when he got work.
If he doesn't buy his share of groceries, pay his half of monthly expenses, then you terminate the living arrangement. No screwing around with demanding his financials, which isn't your business.
As one business owner to another, I'll tell you straight. You're using money to control the relationship, plain and simple. If you keep doing this, you'll lose him.
Boyfriend/girlfriend live-ins function better financially like college roommates or platonic roommates than husband/wife. You don't pool money together, plain and simple. When you're married, then it's a different game with both of you as CEO/CFO of the new corporation called FAMILY. However, that business isn't formed yet. You're both still sole proprietors.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2012): This isn't a question of "rights", because that's a legal concept and acting like a lawyer isn't going to improve your relationship.What you want is "fair". So come at it from the other direction and ask for half of the reasonable household expenses. Sit down and work out what they are. Make it fair to him too -- so have a shared kitty or bank account where you both deposit the same amount each payday.If he wants a discount off his share of the household expenses then he needs to be upfront about his income and expenses.It seems to me that you didn't really discuss this well in the first place. You left him guessing at what would be your estimate of a fair contribution and your subsequent demand for documents could be seen as punishment for guessing wrong.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (2 February 2012):
Being that he's been unemployed, he may need to catch up on other financial obligations. When I lost my job, I was behind for a LONG time and no one understood why I never had money to go out and have fun with--I was still poor! I was behind in bills and I could never seem to keep my bank account from going negative all the time.
Before jumping to conclusions that he's just trying to low-ball you, consider what else he's trying to pay as well. Maybe he had to borrow money while unemployed or he owes the bank money etc. Maybe you should ask him if he would like your help in trying to get back on track. I don't really think you have a right to request to see his paystubs--you're not his wife. But try and get him to open up and see if he needs help getting his finances in order and then maybe he'll be able to pitch in more toward the expenses between you two down the road.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 February 2012):
He should've waited to move in until after he got a job and contributed fairly to finances. It's VERY easy for someone to take advantage of their "free" situation.
Anyways, you have no right to check his pay stubs. Your name is not on that stub. Nor or you two husband and wife. You two don't share a bank account. You're in charge of your finances and he's in charge of his. The only thing you two need to share financewise is particular living expenses.
Does he have any outstanding debts he's paying off, child support?? I'd take that into account and set out an agreement of what he should be paying you each month. It should be half of the house payment/mortgage, groceries, utilities, internet/cable bill. You pay for your personal expenses and your children's. Cell phone bills should be separate, and if you both have your own car then gas is paid from your own pocket as well.
IF he cannot pay that monthly amount then he you need to evict him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 February 2012):
 Its not a man thing, nor are you being controlling.
He needs to contribute, and he needs to contribute a fair amount.
You dont need to see his cheque stubs and he doesnt need to see your business books.
However, he can tell you surely, what his gross pay is, and what payments come out on a regular basis.
You can show him the figures to run the house, and discuss between you what is a fair and equitable amount for him to be contributing. It should be no less than it would cost him to rent on his own, pay his own utilities, his own cable, his own internet connection, and include his food and shampoo and toilet paper while you are at it. Also cost in replacement costs for linen (a very small amount) such as towels and sheets. And entertainment, whether that comes in the form of hiring DVD or going out for dinner.
Ask him what he is prepared to pay, and what he is able to pay, and negotiate from there.
From your letter, and I am aware I only have your perspective, it sounds to me he might be a bit of a freeloader because he can.
Good luck.
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