A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Recently, I've started living with a guy friend from school. We've been really good friends for a long time, and although we used to be attracted to one another romantically, we've been platonic for the past two years. In the evenings we usually like to study together up in my room. It's not unusual for us to snuggle in my bed and gossip and such, but recently things have been getting REALLY weird...First, we both started to fall asleep and ended up spooning. It was really nice, so I didn't push him away or anything. The next night he started getting a bit handsy, but I still didn't do anything about it. Then last night we ended up touching each other and having "outer"course. After it happened, we were both confused and talked about it. He started talking about how much he was going to regret it, and how he thought we should just pretend it never happened and not let things get awkward between us.HE instigated ALL of what happened... and yet HE is the one who seemed freaked out and who wants to repress it. I feel very used, and extremely confused. Why do I care if he wants to forget it? I guess I want to stay platonic, but why did this happen? Do I have subconcious feelings for him? Why was he so freaked out?I'm so confused! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who answered, this really helped put things in perspective for me.
I think I'm going to try to work through my feelings, and remain 100% platonic-- because he's one of my best friends, and I really love that we're comfortable with one another, and I don't want to risk that.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Same thing just recently happened to me! I've been good friends with this guy for like a year and then I notice in the last month or so we are flirting and I'm wondering what's going on, do I like him, does he like me. Right, so we kissed and then the next couple of days all I can think about is him and how amazing it was. He tells me that he's sorry that it was a mistake! ARG. I felt led on and used at first but then I thought, well, he was attracted to me and then when we made out it just wasn't the "spark" there for him. I can't take that personally because it's either there or it isn't. Like with your friend, he wasn't feeling it because guys will risk the friendship 100% if they are into you and feel that chemistry. Frustrating! BUT...it was only awkward for like 2 weeks and he freaked out too, same reaction as you describe because he felt guilty.
Here's what you do: just act totally cool and not upset and he'll feel more comfortable when you are willing to forget the whole thing too. Don't feel used at all, he just didn't know that he wasn't going to be into you is all. That's not his fault or yours, it's a chemical thing.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): C'mon, you are old enough to know why this happened! You feel used because your ego got a little hurt that you put yourself out there and got rejected. Think of it this way: he finds you attractive because you probably are and now you know that he's not into you so you don't have to waste time wondering if it will go somewhere. You can stay good friends and good friends are harder to find than crushes! Close call though- you could have had sex and then it would have really been weird. I would suggest not sleeping in the same bed as him from now on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Any normal guy is going to end up getting "handsy" if you sleep in bed with him, it's called testosterone. He's freaked out because he likes you as just a friend, not a girlfriend. I'm not sure why you would feel used because in a way, sleeping in the same bed with ANY guy is going to result in that so you are equally responsible for instigating it. It does sound like you have feelings for him more than friendship but he definitely doesn't so maybe you shouldn't cuddle with him and confuse those boundaries. Males are wired differently, they can have sex without emotion or wanting more. If you can understand that, this situation will no longer confuse you. He's freaked out now because he doesn't want you liking him that way!
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