A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for over 15 years when I found out that my wife, then girlfriend, had an affair when we were dating (exclusively). The main hurting point of the whole incident was not the affair, which I was very positive it happened when it happened and still married her, but the fact that she lied to me about it in many ocassions after being married, including to the point of swearing on our 7 year-old daughter that she had not slept with this guy.One question I have for this forum is I want to know your interpretation of the following statement made by my wife at the time she finally confessed of the affair: I asked her, very calmly, what was/were the main differences between me and Him, to which she responded "You are bigger that him; yet he sexually recovers faster than you". Now, she claims that she only slept with Him once and that he only ejaculated once and then she asked him to drive her back to her apartment and never slept with him again.Do you see any issues with her response to my question and the facts involving her affair as stated by her? Or, am I being stupid and over-jeallous?Thanks in advance!!Please, limit your responses to the points presented; I do not need a lecture of why bringing up an issue from the distant past into our lives. This is just the tip of the iceberg of things discovered because of the lie.
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 Wow - i am sorry i haven't been about for a while, OP.
Really - the answer is simple - You don't have to get over it. You can decide the past is too much for you to swallow (and I suspect it is) and end the relationship, or you can put it in the past and leave it there and enjoy many more years of bliss...
It is YOU who is complicating a simple situation. Please note I said SIMPLE and not EASY.
Good luck, OP.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLola1: I have one question for you (Please, do not take it as an attack on you; I really want to understand how a woman thinks on this issue): If you were in a similar situation, holding on to a secret affair or in this case, the continuation of an already exposed affair for which you claim to be a one-night stand only but your partner knows facts that prove the contrary and only needs your confirmation to close the issue for good; would you allow for a divorce to take place (he has already expressed he will divorce you if this issue is not closed out) to preserve your secret (in spite of you still loving him) or would you take your chances and let it all out in the open with the hope that after the initial storm subsides, you both will reamain together?
That is what my wife is facing. It has been 6 years of agony for both of us (mental not physical; I have never touched my wife except for comfort or intimacy; they day I raise my hand on her in order to cause physical damage, that is the day I will walk out of her life for good!!).
Believe me I would love to believe her! The problem is I am very analytical (I am a scientist) and everything has to make sense and there should be no lose-ends (and there are plenty of those).
Again, I do value your opinion as a woman and also from someone from another culture (I am Latino - yet I am not a "macho man" or "machista"; on the contrary, I do consider women to be superior to men in a lot of aspects_
Gracias!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLola1: when I married my wife, I told her I believed the event had happened and she denied it. Six years into our marriage I asked her again, after she asked about my past and got a boat-load of info from me, and she denied it again. Then about 8 years after, I was able to get the truth out of her (not through force, just simple games), but not before she swore on our daughter's name that she did not sleep with the guy. The question about the difference between Him and I came as part of a game we were playing and then I asked the logical question: so you slept with him more than one time? To which she responded very timidly "No", realizing she just made a huge mistake. We did not fight at that time, but later on we started fighting because of other things that came out in the open about her.
I am not mad at the affair; upset, yes for certain circumstances I just do not want to bring up. What blew me away was the away she lied about the whole thing and her attitude that she did not do anything wrong (affair or lying). That is where the plot thickens.
Because of all this, plus the fact that I never cared, still do not, about with who she went out with or where she was going, I know there were lots of opportunities for her to "play the field" during our marriage and I believe she took advantage of some of them.
If I am to forgive her for whatever she did, I need to know everything (no exceptions); plus, she has to accept the fact that she did wrong (which she still does not) - scary to be married to someone who believes sleeping with another man is not being unfaithful!!
Once again, thanks for your response! I will take it under advisement!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLola1 and John8899: Thank you both for your responses!! Unfortunately I am a person that values TRUST & HONESTY above all (hence my sign up name of "Old Fashioned Guy"). I believe we are all responsible and accountable for our actions and if you did this to your partner (the lying about it!), after your partner already knew about the affair, it is simply adding gasoline to the fire. Let me ask both of you a question: how can you live with someone you already know is a liar? What about when something happens involving that person (does not even have to be sexually in nature), are you going to believe this person when her/his explanation is not logical? If your answer is no, then, why do you continue being in a marriage relationship with this person? Where there is no TRUST, nothing can last!
Simply put: I HATE LIES!! And I hate liars!!
I guess I am the one with the problem.
Thanks!
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female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (20 September 2010):
You are over-reacting. You already know how it looks to outsiders that you keep bringing up this old situation with your wife, which is why you have asked us not to comment on that.
I don't know what the "rest of the iceberg" looks like, but I have to wonder how easy it would be for your wife to "come clean" about her past affair. You keep bringing it up despite "acting" as though you accepted it and had forgiven her. How honest is that?
Unless she has been a liar and possibly a cheater for the past fifteen years, this has never stopped bothering you. You are probably still hurt about the affair and looking for something to be mad at her for.
You ask her to compare you to him and that is a very difficult position to put her in. She answers you and you are suspicious and asking for our help to read more into her answer.
Every human on this planet would find it difficult to confess the full and honest truth to someone who won't let it go... ever... and over analizes what is said. She probably just wants this to go away; wants to be forgiven as you said you had done, and wants you to drop it already.
You don't have to do that. You can still be hurt about it; a lot of people would be, but you owe it to both your wife and yourself to own those feelings.
Otherwise, this will NEVER go away.
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