A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello, i love my girlfriend and we just had our 2 year anniversary. about a year and a half ago she went to china with her ex of 7years. she asked me before hand if i was ok with that and it was a pre planned arrangement with him before we got together. hes a dj and the reason why they went was for my girlfriends family business (buying fabrics) when she asked me i felt sick in my stomach like never before but i put on a brave face as i wanted her to think i was mature. a year and a half later i have trouble sleeping with so many questions in my head. they shared a hotel room for 10 days on the other side of the world and the more its processing the more i feel that im stupid and naive for believing that this was innocent. ive confronted her a cupple of times and last night i snapped and got upset and said that i don't trust her! i do trust her and i know it was a mistake. we both moved for london to barcelona to live as i know she couldn't handle the cold much longer. her ex lives in barcelona and he's good friends with her fiends. i see him now and again and he's a nice guy. i just want that sick feeling to leave my head and stomach. what do i do? im finding it hard to move on? do i have reason to be paranoid about them? the whole china situation just dosnt add up. sorry for the long post. never done this before.thank you.link
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anniversary, her ex, move on Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I am going to quote Coloroy from another answer he made yesterday to you:
What you can be sure of is that he is with you and not her. It is you who tells him how you feel every day. It is you who gives him a cuddle at night as you go to sleep. It is you who gets all close and personal with him during those intimate times. You are the here and now. When you strip for him it is your body he sees and your soft words of love and lust he hears. Yours is the first face he sees in the morning and the first greeting he hears when he gets home. You are the heart inside the house he calls home. Nothing in his past can ever compete with that. Only if you let the past into your mind so that you stop doing all those little things he fell in love with in the first place, will that heart in the place called home ever go away - and that is not under his control and not under her control, but totally under yours.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I care about my boyfriend in a big way and I would NEVER spend 10 days with an ex - friend or not - because it is simply hurtful and that is at best. Why does she have to select her ex to spend the time with? Surely anyone with a brain can understand when there is history with someone you just don't go there again. If I were you I would take things very very slowly. You have an awful lot to consider.
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 You enjoy your relationship with your partner and don't let this come between you. He's (the ex) isn't worth it.
~Eve~
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so much for taking time out of your day to make me feal better about this. your all compleatly right i just needed to hear this from a out side prospective. thank you all again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyour all very right, i want to thank you all for taking time out of your day to make me feel better. like i said to eve, i know that its ok but i needed some one with a outside prospective to say, "i got nothing to worry about", or, "are u completely stupid and gulabull what are u doing? how could u let them get away with that!" i told her how i felt last night it felt good to get it off my chest, i just never thought i could be the jelouse type. thank you all for your advice it has been a real help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you eve for your quick response. i know your right and i need to move on, but i just needed to hear something like that from a neutral perspective. the important thing is that i love her and i get the feeling she feels the same. when i said that things didn't add up, in the way that this trip was paid by my girls parents and it was a business trip to buy fabrics and research womans bags. the ex is a DJ, what possible motive apart from trying to get with her dose he have? when i asked she said i came to site see. DJ. . . . china, hotel room, long term ex of 7 years, other side of the world. just dosnt sit well. but what you said is true. thank you.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (22 February 2008):
How has your girlfriend been with you since she came back from that trip? Did she look as if she missed you? Is she still having a lot of contact with this ex?
It was a heck of a big thing for you to agree to, I must admit and not every boyfriend would have been able to do that but you DID trust her and at the end of the day she's back with you and hopefully as close as ever.
You have to come to terms with things here. She asked you if you minded and you said no! If she says nothing happened then I would accept that and move on. You're only punishing yourself needlessly thinking about things that might never have occurred. Why put yourself through all that? It's all in the pastnow. All it is doing is causing friction and tension between you both (it's started already). If you've asked her and she's said nothing went on and she seems happy to be with you and is showing you love and attention then I'd say (from what I've read in your letter) that you have nothing to worry about here.
You said "the whole China situation doesn't add up..." Why doesn't it add up? Is there more to this than we know about from your letter?
~Eve~
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A
male
reader, jasp  +, writes (22 February 2008):
I would not move in,a good healthy relationship is but on trust and u dont trust her. You do have a reason 2 be paranoid. They spent 10 day in a hotel room in china. Now everyday u have 2 wonder about that. Could have been nothing but if i was in your shoes i would not belive it. I would tell her that we are better off just friends. I am all so with a girl who was married for 7 years an her and her ex dont go on trips to geather an they get along jus fine.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I reckon it's completley understandable to feel that way most people would, I think the best thing to do would be to just totally explain yourself to her, she'll probablly understand and probably appreciate your honesty but the longer you keep dwelling on it the worse you're gonna get with it. That's what I would do but it's totally up to you..
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