A
female
age
41-50,
*cchrys
writes:My bf and I have been together for quite some time, are in a long-term LDR and reside on different continents. We have all of the normal couple issues but thus far they are something we seem to have been able to work through. Many of his closest friends are female, of which I have no issue. His interaction at times, or more specifically the level of interaction he is willing to go to with them, do make me uncomfortable. The newest issue to arise in our relationship is the level of discussions that he has with these female friends, especially one in particular. Nothing is off limits for them to share between each other. This was sparked by hearing that he had conversed with her about her breasts, their size and her intent to enlarge them (after she brought it up.) OK, not really important for him to know (from where I sit) but I guess it is not that shocking of a thing to share considering one day she would show up with two silicone sacs in her chest. It would be physically obvious ... so no big shock there and that is not even really what the problem is about. What it did was spark questions, however. I asked him if he would ever let the conversation go further into detail and he indicated to me that yes, indeed he would, and he would see no issue with that. He would not "censor conversations" because he is in a relationship. If he wants to talk about another females body parts or sex with her, he will do that.He says that this is because of his culture (South American) and that i am being ethnocentric. I think calling me ethnocentric is malarkey and a complete distortion of the meaning and has little bearing in this situation. I say that this is an early stage of emotional infidelity and discussions that delve further would be disrespectful to our relationship. It just cheapens what we have to me, lessens the intimacy between us ... the private things we share. I feel I am laying out my ideals before a serious situation arises, ideals he blatantly said he will not take into consideration. I even asked if he would continue such discussions when we brought children into the mix and again, he said he would never limit his scope of discussions with another person. Am I being to overbearing for something that hasn't happened yet? Or are my expectations normal for any relationship, even a bi-continental one? Will I end up being 35 with two children at home while he is out to lunch chatting with another female about her most recent sexual exploits?His idea of a "compromise" is simply not bringing up the subjects YET will not change the subjects nor will he even say it is not in the best interest of his relationship to discuss those things when the girl brings up the topic. Another "compromise" he suggested would be to move here and conform to my standards because he would be in the U.S. and living in my culture and would adapt to it. Until then, which would be two years minimum, since he is in his country he will "do as the Romans do" and continue to discuss topics I feel, admittedly to him, uncomfortable with. I would like to have faith in him and just want assurance that his conversations won't go "too far" but he refuses to assure me of that. He says I am just drowning in a glass of water.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): The red flags would be flying for me here in this situation. I am with you on this being the first step in emotional infedelity and would be uncomfortable with it as well. I believe that you seriously need to reconsider your attraction to this man because it sounds like he has no healthy boundaries within this relationship. Clearly he is saying he will do what he wants and I would get the hell out of his way if I were you. Time to move on if he can't commit in a healthy way to you.
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