A
male
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Background: I'm a 13 yr old boy of Sierra Leonean descent(African) who lives in a south London flat, and I go to a private secondary boys school on a bursary in the center of London. I'm an only child and I never really knew my dad but that's beside the point.The girl I like (I'll call her H), is a 14 yr old girl of Ghanaian descent (also African) who lives two doors away from me on the same level (16th Floor). She goes to a Public Secondary Girls School slightly further south. She lives with both parents and two SistersWe've known each other since I was 3 and she was 4 and (no lie) I've liked her ever since I first met her. When I was 5-6 my mum took me to Sierra Leone to #1 take me back to my roots and #2 she went to get married and finally #3 I used to have serious anger management issues especially when I was falsely accused, in my reception I kind of got into a slight fight with a teacher throwing over tables and throwing Chairs.When we came back to London my mum and step-dad's relation kind of slowly dissipated and now they're separated (Also besides the point). My mum is very (quote on quote) spiritual. She's a Pentecostal Christian and even though i believe in God, I'm often very skeptic of the theatrics.Anyway my mum doesn't think I should have girlfriends or a girlfriend until I'm settled down and have a strong financial and educational base. Which I perfectly understand, but I'm not looking to get married just have someone who's company I truly enjoy and who enjoys mine and maybe if it works out it could become long term.After, I came back to London I started attending her primary school (I'll call it S). I was in yr 3 and she was in yr 4. I was 7 and she was 8. I guess this is sort of when we first began growing apart. I mean when I was around 3 I used to regularly go to her house we messed around playing a variety of games and doing general 3 year old stuff. I remember us 'play kissing' when I was 3. I don't know if she remembers it, but I do vividly.I ended up leaving that school in Yr 4 because me and the head teacher did not get a long. I guess I started truly noticing girls in Yr 3 because of A girl who I'll call A who I also still have a crush on. Not that important. In S school I also made close friends with a girl who i'll call J and her Brother who i'll call D who I'm still close friends with Today.After I left I started attending a Private School that I'll call (R school) but I was not able to stay because my mum being unemployed at the time was not able to keep up with the fees. I started to become slightly more independent at R school because my mum had kept me very shielded from the rest of the world preferring to teach me stuff herself in order not to let the rest of the world 'corrupt me'.After R school I was home schooled for about two terms in which time my mum instilled in me a love of maths. During this time I would occasionally see her and go to her house from time to time.She became quite athletic in yr 4 and did a lot of track sports such as running and hurdles whereas I became quite large and slightly fat but not like very visibly large.In Yr 5 I joined a school which i'll call C School I stayed there until Yr 6 (everyone leaves primary in Yr 6) My relationship with H became so much rare and occasional especially since she was in Secondary School.When i joined secondary school the same one I go to know. We grew quite far apart and literally only spoke to each other when we saw each other on the way to school. If I saw her I would often divert from my usual route to accompany her on the bus journey up until the train station in which we would go our separate ways. This would add an extra 30 minutes onto my journey but I deemed her as worth it. Seeing her would often be the highlight of my day.In year 8 when I was 12, I realised i had become quite tall but also quite fat (still not very visible). So I picked up Basketball because I didn't have the patience to use the gym and i'm not a very good swimmer. I barely made it into my school team and I was no where near the best maybe one of the worst in my team. But I've put a lot of effort into it and I've practiced everyday for 3 hours. I do it #1 because I really enjoy the sport and #2 so I can get in good enough shape to be considered as a boyfriend. Although it might seem vain, I've been bettering myself so I can get on her level or be in her 'league'Since I've started Yr 9 and she's in Yr 10 I probably only see her once every two months and she's my next door neighbour. I do a lot of extra practice and studying etc... that makes it unable for me to see her at any other time. Also my school ends at 4:00 whereas her's ends at 3:30 an only takes her 40 minutes to get home whereas it takes me about an hour and a half on a good traffic day( which to be honest is unrealistic, plus I go to after school basketball training most days).Every time I see her my feelings rush back and I don't know what to do. Now we rarely even talk when I do, I like her personality and everything about her. I'm not going to lie and say it's purely her personality that attracts me but in my eyes she is still the most beautiful girl i know (Internally and Externally). I would love to ask her out but I know we're not close enough. Plus I'm scared, it is highly unlikely that my mum will approve.I'm going to admit, I've never been one of the cool kids until recently as I've slowly and completely stripped away all the layers of over-protection my mum has placed on me. I sometimes feel like I've just started living like a 'normal-child.'I'm quite tall 5'11 she is about 5'9-10 judging by eye, I've been called handsome a couple of times.I really like her and although she is a year older than me I hope that it won't matter.What should i do?Do you think I have a chance?P.S. I know this was very long-winded but this is the first time I've ever done this and I've basically poured out my heart into this. You may Not believe this but this is edited down. ;)P.P.S. I'm British and have a British accent so does she. And I have very British spelling.P.P.P.S. (Is P.P.P.S. a thing?) Anyway, I will post this as a conversation as well.P.P.P.P.S (J.K Definitely not a thing)Thanks for Answering!!!
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (30 May 2016):
 Firstly, your mum is right about focusing on your education (even if that's not until you settle down, just getting through secondary school) because many actually get dodgy grades due to accidentally getting distracted by girls/boys/gaming/etc. and they usually don't see it coming but are disappointed when it does.Also, you should never change yourself for the benefit of others (unless you're mean :P) like exercising to become "in good enough shape to be considered as a boyfriend". Bettering yourself should always be done for you, like your first reason for doing basketball; you enjoy it.13 is very young and you seem to be making good steps towards growing up well, but your priorities are already shifting on to her too much, as you want to be "in her league", rather than only doing things for your own benefit. It's common at your age and older to try to improve yourself for others, but it's not healthy to do that and, in this case, you're already trying to do it whilst you should stay focused on school with your SATS and/or GCSEs over the next couple of years. You know what really impresses people? People who have ambition and strive to achieve it. Focusing on this girl could knock you off course.If you could train your brain to just want friendship for now, that would be a good starting point - not "I'll be your friend, so I can be your boyfriend", just "I'll be your friend to see if we still have friend things in common". Be her friend for a while, focus on your studies and maybe ask her out after your GCSEs, if you both like each other still. Right now, your mum has the right idea on this and, whilst you acknowledged it, you now need to trust it :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 May 2016):
 What you should do , IMO, is sort of go on a hyatus. Sort of freeze away this crush for the time being, to possibly be resurrected at a later time .
I would focus on myself. Work on my school grades, on making friends, on getting better at my sport and on solving any residual anger issues. If you want to lose weight , do it, but do it for yourself, for being healthier , moving better, and liking what you see in the mirror- not to give a lean bf to this girl,
First, tbh I do not think you'd have many chances. The odds are against you. One year of age difference would not signify if you were 23 and 24,- but now it does make a big difference. I don't know many 14 y.o. girls who would see a 13 y.o boy as more than a nice kid brother. She is probably focused on the slightly older kids in her new school ( and secretly coveting the even older guys that she has not way to hang out with ).
Second , you really have no time for a relationship, what with school, sport practice, and commuting, now it is really not the moment for you to try and have one. A relationship takes time and effort and you are already stretched too thin atm.
Third, your Mom does not want you to date and please do not be so glib in dismissing that. Not ony you live under her roof and off her money, so her opinion COUNTS- but also, you are hinting that she has got " hang ups " because of an excessive religious zeal. Look, I am not a Pentecostal, I am not even Christian as for that- but I would have been upset, make it furious, if my son had wanted to start dating at 13 ( luckily he was a late bloomer ). There's an age and a stage for everything. You can start driving at 18- or 16 in some countries - and even if there are 13 y.old kids who technically would be able to drive, it's not smart nor safe putting them behind a wheel.
Early romances may bring to early sexual activity ( and related early big troubles ). And also to early heartbreak and superfluous drama. We have only so many emotional energies to pour out at any stage of life, and at yours you need them more to study, make friends, mature, "fix " certain problems ( like your anger ) and just enjoy life without too much emotional overload , than to romance girls.
I am sorry , I know this is not the answer that you wanted to hear , but ..it's all about timing. Your time will come too, don't worry, - don't be in a rush and enjoy what you have now.
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