A
female
age
41-50,
*ostgirl32
writes:I need to work out what I should do. I was married for 13 years to a man, call him Pete, who hurt me so very deeply, he had an affair for 6 months with a very close friend, and at the beginning of our marriage he was out all the time drinking, doing drugs, and having one night stands. After if 6 month affair ended he came to me and begged me to forgive him and give him another chance, we have 2 kids together and I felt I owed it to them to try and make it work with their father. So we got back together, but I could never forgive him, I didn't know how to get the trust to come back, we stayed together for 6 years after, and our relationship turned into one of friendship, we made our family work the best way we could, for our kids. But honestly I just couldn't move past his affairs. So 2 years ago I asked him to move out as it was not working for me, and he did, we stayed friends and still did things as a family with the kids. Then he was in a major accident and ended up with a broken neck and other very serious injuries, when he got out of hospital, I would go over and help him with the house, do his washing, cook tea for us all, and ended up moving back in as it was easier and cheaper than paying rent on a house I was never at as I was always at his place helping him out, we didn't sleep together, and I made it clear that I was only there for the kids and to help him out, he has an opperation coming up very soon that he only has a 20% chance of comming out ok, the risks are 1. he comes out a quadrapligic, or 2. he dies, or 3. it is a sucess, but he has to have it done as he is in to much pain to live as he is. Toward the middle of last year I ran into my highschool sweeet heart, call him Jack. Jack and I started seeing each other casually, and as I was seeing him Pete asked me to move out which I did, I moved into a little house that toward the end of last year was sold and there were no other houses at the time, so I moved in with Jack. At first it was just as room mates, but as I lived 2 hours away now I was not there to help Pete anymore. Jack and I's relationship over the past 6 months has become more full on and at times he make me so very happy, he is a wonderful man, he spoils me and treats me like I am the only woman in the world that matters. But Pete (who has the children due to the fact I didn't want to move them out of their town and disrupt them any more than they have been) is so very angry at my relationship with Jack. He refuses to continue with our friendship as it is just too painful for him, he tells me I am a selfish bitch for giving up on our marriage, saying that commitment to me means shit. And how dare I do this to our children. I feel like I have let my children down, and now I don't get to see them everyday, I don't want to take them off their father as I don't know what the outcome of this opp is going to be and I want my kids to be with their father just incase something happens to him and they lose their dad. I feel they need to be able to spend what time they can with their dad.Pete tells me I have abandonded my kids, and that hurts. And latley I have been pushing Jack away, I have been upset and so full of guilt and like I should go back to my "commitment" (which I did take very seriously, I never had an affair, I never saw someone else, I stayed home looking after the children and when I got a job it was in a childcare centre with my children.) I don't know what to do, because here I am living with another man, while my husband (soon ex as Pete has filed for divorce) is in a bad medical condition, and looking after our 2 children, and he refuses help from most ppl, telling me that he shouldn't have to accept help of others because his wife should be there to help him, like I promised 13 years ago.I won't say I was the perfect wife, I had my issues, esp after my 5 months old son died in a car accident, I didn't handle myself well, I cried alot and didn't want to accept he was gone, I couldnt bring myself to clean the house as things of his were everywhere and I would start bawling everytime I saw something of his, I wouldn't let Pete take his pictures off the wall, but looking at them made me cry, and the other 2 kids got looked after but not like they would have been if I wasn't so depressed. Please help me know what to do? Do I go back and raise my children with their very dependant father, or do I let what I have found with Jack grow. How do I stop pushing him away because of the guilt I feel?
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affair, cheap, depressed, divorce, drugs, got back together, moved in, one night stand, roommate Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 Your soon to be ex realizes that he screwed up big time all those years ago when he cheated on you. You know and he knows it to. That is why he is angry. He is made at himself, and he feels more scared and alone then he has ever felt before in his life. He is terrified of dying on the operating table, and he is just as scared of waking up paralyzed, because he knows he has no one waiting there at home to take care of him if that happens. And damaged as he is, facing what he is facing, going out and finding someone new isn't really an option for him either anymore. (or highly unlikely).
So he looks around for someone to blame, and you are the only one there.
So maybe I would be willing to put my life on hold for him until he recovers, but he would have to admit everything I have said above to me before I would lift one finger.
And that you are the better person that if the roles were reversed he would not stick around for you and you both know it. So no more yelling at me and cursing me, and he needs to tell that to the kids to, that daddy is just scared but none of it is mommys fault.
A
female
reader, lostgirl32 +, writes (17 March 2011):
lostgirl32 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo Jack last night gave me some money and said, "Honey go and see your kids, take them to your Mum's and have fun with them." I thought that was just so awesome of him really! He is such a sweet man.So I rang Pete and asked him if it is ok if I have the kids for the weekend and take them to my mothers and he started telling me what a bitch I am giving him such short notice and it was not fair at all that I did that he needs more time to prepare for something like this. So I told him, they are my kids too and I want to see them, my parents have not seen the kids since christmas as he refuses to drop them to them when ever they are in their town (which is at least twice a month) As far as I see it that is just wrong. He told me that HE will ask the kids in the morning if they wanted to go with me, but with how I have hurt them he doubts it. So I said NO I want to ask them myself. So I rang this morning and got yes' from both, my lil man (10) being reluctant cos the last time he saw Grandad (the time before christmas) he was naughty and broke something of Dad's, so Dad (Grandad) got a hammer and smashed on of his favorite cars. He was crushed, but learnt his lesson, and Grandad bought him another 5 cars, (on the same as the on he broke). But he said he wants to see me. So we are going to go for a trip today and I am so excited about it, but angry that their father keep trying to make me out the bitch. All I asked was to see my kids, I don't think that is to big an ask!!
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A
female
reader, jenny j  +, writes (17 March 2011):
he says that you are a selfish bitch for giving up on their marriage, what he should be saying is trying to fix the state he left it in. you are the selfish bitch, as whilst you were looking after the kids he was sleeping with other women, doing drugs and alcohol. he is bitter, as these are the consequences of his actions. once a man can betray you in that manner, it's so easy to do it again. he wants pity, he want's you to leave his house, yet he's calling you selfish for not seeing the kids. he is making it unbearable. he says that his "wife" should be there to help him like she promised 13 years ago, i'm pretty sure monogamy is in other words included in those vows. He is hypocritical and a selfish man. he is stuck at home being ill, whilst you have plucked up the courage to leave an undeserving marriage for someone who's world revolves around you. It is not your fault you are ill, that does not mean he can do as he please and that you owe him anything. it is unfortunate that a man whom of two children you made to be poorly, but sometimes me marry and make children with people and the relationship doesn't work out. you see the children whenever you like, if they call you and tell you they miss you.. THEN you'll know your not seeing them enough. you have not been selfish, you think your kids would actually want to move two hours away from friend, school and continuity? he is a guilt-tripper and after all the humiliation he caused you, you owe him nothing, other than sympathy for a person who is ill and children who's father are ill. be strong, you are doing nothing wrong, take my word for it. x
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