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female
age
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anonymous
writes:I an unsure as to what to do for the best, do I give my husband an ultimatum to stop contacting his half sister. He only ever lived with her for a year when she was two and he was twelve, (they share the same dad who died earlier on this year), they then lost contact for years until they met again at their brothers funeral, they said their goodbyes and again years went by before they met again this year at their dad's funeral, then something seems to have gone off in my husband's head about her, he is 10 years older than her,in his fifties, she is now married with a child and seems to be very happy, and has done well for herself, well he was and still is besotted with her, he started to text her saying they need to make more of an effort to keep in touch and of course she agreed, so it started off as 1 text a day and has now risen to at least 5 a day, he also phones her about once a week, never and I mean never stops talking about her and her child, he went on so much that I sent him to visit her, she lives 400 miles away from us and he jumped at the chance and left me for 5 days, and came back worse than ever, now he says that she understands him as they were "brought up" together, I don't think living together for a year constitutes as being brought up together, they do not know each other, she has admitted that she doesn't know him and can't remember him but is welcoming him into her life as a brother. Meanwhile it has caused nothing but really terrible arguments in our house as he is always putting her first or jumping at the chance to contact her to ask her opinion on things in our life, and protecting her if he thinks that I have made a snide remark about her which I have not, as I do like what little bit I have seen of her she seems a well balanced and together type of person. A few days after the funeral he said to me that he felt the same way about her as he did about me when he first met me, which rang big alarm bells in my head, and when I questioned him about that comment he said that he merely mean't it was that when she left to go back home that he was sad coz he didn't know when he would see her again and he used to feel like that about me before we got married, I don't believe him coz he was listening to sad love songs etc for quite a few weeks after. Now he has taken to deleting some of his text messages to her, in fact last week I asked to borrow his mobile phone as he gets the free minutes and before he handed it to me he sat there in front of me and started to delete some messages he had sent to her earlier, when I hit the roof about that he said there was nothing to hide in them, so I asked why delete them and he said it was coz he was talking about his feelings, so he can't talk about his feelings to me then, and the the other night he announces that he will not stop contacting her and that she is in our lives whether I like it or not, and that he loves the both of us, this has been going on now for 11 weeks, can anybody please tell me how can you love somebody after only 11 weeks and really do not know them, it seems to me as though he does not view her as his half sister he carries on like she is the other woman, I would like to stress that I do not have a problem with her at all and she knows nothing about any of this, I have a problem with his behaviour about her, I would not dare to tell her as if he found out he would go bonkers at me, but I have told him that I am deeply unhappy and that he is putting his marriage on the line with carrying on this way, but it doesn't stop him, so I am thinking to either give him the ultimatum of seeking help from a counsellor with regards to his infatuation/obsession over her or a divorce solicitor as I cannot really take much more. Neither of them liked their dad and was not brought up with him, he was not a very nice person. My husband has a full blood sister who was brought up with him and shared some of the awful experiences of their childhood, he hasn't turned to her. Please help with any advice as I am going out of my mind with his behaviour.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): Okay I kept a look out! Wheres your update? Hahaha
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): Wow. Maybe you should also consider counciling? Seeing as there are previous incidences like this and there you can have a mediator to help you express yourselves in a way that helps you both understand better where the other is coming from.
Another suggestion- ever wanted to try having kids again? If so, maybe when you see this family and your husband makes remarks like how much their son reminds you of yours- you can make remarks in agreement. Also say things like you miss him. Remind your husband and show this new family what your son was really like- relive his memory tangent from discussing things about their son. Maybe make it known that you look forward to trying again. It could be a pleasant suprise to your husband. Maybe this loss of your child still hinders and he misses everything of what your family used to be by reliving it vicariously through them.
I will be keeping a look out =) You can, if you'd like make an account and you can PM me that way.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): I am the original poster of the problem, this is to LunaSkye, I will be meeting up with this half sister and her husband and son in a few weeks time as it was an organised sports week end that we are all going to attend and we are staying in the same accomodation as them, so will really be under each other's feet, so to speak, I would not have agreed to this week end if I had know how my husband was going to be behaving since it was arranged and yes I could say that I am not going but then I will look like the horrible ogre wife who does not want her husband to have a realtionship with his sister, of course I do not know how my husband has painted me to them, so I am at a bit of a disadvantage to start with. The other problem is my husband saying that he loves her son (and her of course) but I think it strange that you can love just like that without having had any contact previously, he says he reminds him of our own son who we lost we many years ago and never had any more children and he won't stop buying him presents, it's as if he is trying to buy his way in to their hearts, he doesn't and never has bought anything for any of the other children in our family that he has known since they were born and even moaned his head off if I have bought them a bit of something for either christmas or birthdays, so why is this little boy any different, I am really confused, I do hope that he calms down and that it develops into a more normal sort of family contact but he really has driven me to the brink with his texting her up to 5 times a day and hiding his phone then deleting certain messages, I mean why does he think he needs to hide it from me? those who have nothing to hide hide nothing, he can look thru my phone if he wants to there is nothing and never has been anything I wouldn't want him to see I am totally honest and open with him, but he is killing some of my love for him, he has lied to me in the past about certain things and I caught him out once on an issue that really hurt me, and all he gets mad about is that I discovered what he was up to, he never addressed the problem as to why he was doing what he was doing, it centres around our sex life, so I suppose he was a bit embarassed, but we seemed to get back on track though it has never been brilliant for me all he does is thinks about himself and so long as he is satisfied then that is fine, so he has a selfish streak and now it is coming out again manifesting itself this way, with an obsession over his half sister. So in a couple of weeks time I will post again and let you know how the w/e went, this site does not let you privately pm each other so I cannot contact you that way, so keep a look out towards the 25/26 July when I will post again. Thanks for your replies I do appreciate you taking the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2010): I am sorry, poster, for what you are going through. But like a few others have said, this will die off as all infatuation does. And when he finally regains a clear head he will bring it back into a healthy distance. Hopefully then you can both talk honestly with each other.
I hope my opinion will assure you in that I really don't feel anything will come of this. I know its still hurtful to endure his rants and raves over his long distant half relative... but i do feel it will fade away and he will eventually regain himself.
I just know that whenever a guy ends up liking me and I find he has a gf, I tend to want to encourage his thoughts and feelings towards her. Like asking questions about how they met, how he proposed, what special moments they shared, etc etc. So eventually he finds himself reminiscing abotu what he loved so much about his gf/fiance. Sometimes even give advice on how to spice things up so they become eager to try something new. Though it does put me in this situation of being that friend that gets the after details. But I feel good knowing that this person in their life can feel safe in the sense, he is at least discussing this with me where as someone else would not and probably tempt them to cheat.
That isnt going to happen in your case. My point is, if you decide to talk to this half sister, I hope she will do something of the sort to push his thoughts/feelings towards you.
Good luck, please update us if you speak with her. =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): I am the original poster of the problem and I want to thank you all for your replies, especially LunaSky who has hit the nail on the head, I am most understanding and I do not have a problem with him contacting his family from his dad's side, in fact he has another half sister so exactly the same genetic link, sharing the same dad but different mother's and he is not the same with her at all, he never lived with her and cannot remember her at all, but the one that he is talking of constantly, they only ever lived together very briefly, a year at most and she was 2 and he would have been 12, he could not stand her as he was made to babysit her, but they were not brought up as siblings, so they do not have that sibling link, and now he has gone totally over the top about her and yes forgetting what is real and important and that she is many miles and hours away, whilst I am here on a daily basis lstening to him going on and on about her, so yes that is what I think that he is in fact very infatuated with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): I am the first anon poster. So in regards to the second anon poster and MissGirl- you are both honestly niave to believe there is no problem here and it is her that is being selfish. This half sister was hardly in his life, so to see her as a sister or even a half sister is not linked to what a real sibling relationship would be like. Blood or not, he could and most possibly is infatuated. So to see the situation reversed or understand it, is one thing and I believe shes done so. But it is obvious her husband is on another level of fancy for this new person in his life, whatever the underlying intents and feelings are- seems to me hes taking it a bit over board and forgetting whats real and important.
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reader, MissGirl  +, writes (6 July 2010):
I dont see the promblem here obviously you are jealous of your husband and his sisters relationship I would understand if it were an old girlfriend but his flesh and blood it doesnt matter if its his half or whole sister how would you feel in his place you are his wife and she is his sister if you were in your husbands place and he told you to stop talking to your brother how would you feel I would feel rather sad no matter what you do that is family and he wont stop talking to her even if you told him to so you will just have to deal with the fact that your husband has family and you are not the only person in his life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): This would drive me crazy but I too agree with anon. Meet this lady and above all try to get her on your side and ascertain what is really going on. It seems like an infatuation to me and a bit odd. He is obviously looking for something and apparently has found it in her. I would really not like having her opinion asked on anything to do with my marriage but play along nicely for now until you find out from her what is really going on /afoot. I would ask your husband not to discuss personal business with her because she is to all intents and purposes a stranger and he shouldn't talk to her about you or your marriage anyway. Yes, try to meet up with her asap. Probably the death of his father has also made your husband desperate for family from his side and this may pass off in time once things calm down a bit.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): Don't do anything drastic or impose ultimatums. He's in the first phases of getting to know somebody, the stage where everything looks beautiful and all you can see are similarities with this new and exciting person. It's all part of getting to know someone better.I understand that his intimacy with his sister hurts you and makes you feel threatened in your position as the woman in his life (I would feel exactly the same way). But be aware that all of this is a question of perspective and right now is just all in your head!The best way to deal with that is probably to open up. Try to get to know her but don't make this her problem. Talk to your husband and ask him to comfort you instead of feeding your insecurities. Talk to your friends about the situation to get some perspective when you need it. It'll give you more clarity and hopefully reassure you.If something goes wrong or if he does in fact turn out to have a weird incestuous relationship with her deal with it then. Right now it is too early for drastic decisions or in depth analysis.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 July 2010):
 I agree with the anon poster. Meet up with his sister and talk to her about it. Ask her what she feels about the contact she and your husband have. And hear her perspective.
A lot of what you say you have also read a lot into, things that might not be there. For example you wrote that he "jumped at the chance" to see her and "left you for 5 days". Now I know you can live without him for 5 days, it is not as if you were in danger or trouble and he abandoned you. Besides, how do you tell if someone "jumped" at the chance? He wanted to see her and so he did. I don't think there is anything more to that because you do not mention him going out to her often, or at all even. Just that once.
Second, he feels for her as when he first met you? Could ring alarm bells, but it could also mean that he is genuinely interested in getting to know her, enjoys her company. Maybe the friendship has gone missing in your marriage.
This has carried on for 11 weeks you say? About 3 months? It could end up dying out soon for all you know. I do not think there are romantic feelings involved (or at least I hope not as they are siblings and both married...), but more of a growing friendship. Perhaps he, even when she can not remember him, has always thought about her and how she is doing, and it feels great to be reconnected. Perhaps he is scared that she will disappear out of his life again.
At least give this more time. Set your foot down when he takes her side over yours and remind him who he is married to. But other than that, try and give it more time to see where this goes. And talk to the sister. Be somewhat descrete though, if everything is innocent you don't want to paint a picture of your husband as a perverse stalker...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): I found an uncle i didn't even know i had 2 years ago - i love him lots, we click so well and we talk to each other weekly. For me, having this extra bit of family means the world and though i grew up knowing zip about him ... i still very much want him in my life forever. I don't think you can ask your husband to cut his sister out of his life regardless of whether they grew up together or not, as it would be an unfair request. Its his sister at the end of the day, though you may feel more like he treats her as the other woman. I would say seek a happy medium ... that instead of calling her every day, maybe ask him to only call once/twice a week because you feel that you are missing out on his attention though you don't want to get in their way either. Just want a bit more of him than you are currently getting etc. That way you are not coming off as jealous of her but longing of him. Also, tell him you understand he's excited about this new link/bond he has and most likely going OTT on topic because he is excited and its all shiney and new ... but you feel you guy's conversation is becoming limited and though you are willing to talk about his sister with him, you also don't want to hear about it all the time. As for texting deletes ... its his phone, he can do what he wants and if he doesn't want you to read something then you should respect that. I don't think anything seeded is going on as you have stated this sister is a sound sort of person, just give them the benefit of the doubt that they are trying to build a bond and that maybe for the moment it is OTT but in time it may calm down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): This is my advice, but I think you should def take what others have to say into more consideration. They may even agree with me.I think you should meet up with this half sister of his. Tell her exactly how you feel. What you think of her, which seems to be all good things. Explain that you do not understand your husbands sudden extreme fancy towards her and his abrupt behavior against you when you done nothing but try to understand it. Express your concerns and get a feel for her side of what is going on. You need to paint a picture of yourself that is true- in a very friendly open manner and that opposes one that your husband may of already painted of you.I would also try to get her on your 'side'. Meaning, if your husband is only going to turn to her, discuss things with her, see if she can encourage these feelings towards you instead. Women to women, she should understand.Let her know you want him to have a relationship with you, but not one that is so unhealthy and obsessive, and potentially destroy your marriage.See what the others think and have to say. Please update us too!
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