A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Two weeks ago, I broke up with my now ex-boyfriend. He just didn't seem as interested in the relationship as I was, except for sex. Since breaking up with him, he has finally began to seem more eager to communicate and show affection. I was always the first to text or call, now he always does it first. He's apologized to me, saying he realized he may have made me feel unimportant (which, to be blunt, was true). He also admitted to having trouble with showing emotion. Long story short, unfortunately it's now a friends with benefits relationship. I feel the same fondness of love with him, so it's hard to break that attachment. And I have a feeling, based on the sort of stuff he says, he's going to try to ask to be together again.A part of me wants to give him a second chance and maybe it will work out. But apart of me is scared the same thing will happen and honestly I want to move on. I'd love to start dating again but don't feel right doing so while in a friends with benefits relationship with my EX-BOYFRIEND. I just don't know how to break that attachment... We share a lot in common and have NEVER had a fight, so I don't want to cut our relationship off. Not talking to him daily after doing so for YEARS would just be so weird.But I have a feeling any future boyfriend would think that's... odd and unacceptable.Could use some input... should I give it another chance or [attempt to] move on?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 June 2014):
 "....should I give it another chance?" YOU ALREADY HAVE!!
Try to remember that guys are driven largely (almost exclusively) by our craving to get sex from women. YOU have already tried a "relationship" with this guy... it faltered.... and NOW, you're trying to recover it by doing EXACTLY WHAT YOU OUGHT NOT BE DOING!!!!!
You are in total control of this situation.... which situation is this: YOU are trying to use sex to re-start a failed "relationship".... HE is enjoying sex with you, whilest you are - really - asking him for nothing in return. This will "get old" again, soon.... and you'll decide that you'd rather hold your head high, and dump him....
Good luck...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2014): Breaking-up to be friends with benefits isn't really a breakup. You just changed the dynamic of the relationship to sexual without commitment; by placing ex- before boyfriend.
Intellectually, he is still your boyfriend; if you continuously communicate on a daily basis and have sex. Breaking up requires mental and physical detachment. You actually separate, and the mind begins a process of letting go of your partner.
You haven't done that. You made a declaration that you want to breakup, but you haven't actually done it. Of course he is going to be on his best behavior. Just like little kids are on their best behavior just before Christmas. They're back to their naughty little selves once they get the toys.
If he's being rewarded with sex, I'm sure he's being a very good boy.
If you really broke-up; you would be thinking, feeling, and acting very differently. You would be going through the grief of loss. There is an agony that comes from the withdrawal of leaving and separating from your mate. The chemical process in the brain after a breakup is scientifically the same as the withdrawal from an addictive narcotic.
There are brain-chemicals dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin; which formed the emotional bonding and connection between you. The chemicals oxytocin and vasopressin is what makes the relationship lock-in and last. The emotional glue.
Cutting-off these chemicals to the brain is cutting-off your love-drug supply. So you and your boyfriend fear the symptoms of withdrawal; because you remember them from past breakups. You are also slaves of habit. You hate the prospect of immediate change. So you drag your feet or procrastinate. Staving off what really has to be done.
Waiting for that big fight that will end it all; because you think it would be easier, if you were both angry at each other. You already are. It's suppressed, and hidden behind fear.
Your mind is still nagging at you; because you know what you really should be doing. That's why you wrote your post. You want out. You want to date other people, and you've given your old relationship all you could. You know it is only a matter of time before he has a relapse.
You also know you shouldn't be having sex, if you actually did breakup with the guy. How can either of you move on when you do all the things you did before you called what you're doing a "breakup?" There is no such thing as "breakup-light" or a "breakup with training-wheels." Like you can't be a little bit pregnant. You are, or you aren't.
You want permission to move on? Permission granted. Your gut tells you this relationship is done. If you really wanted to give him another chance, there would be no hesitation. Only one thing. You have to give yourself permission first. What we suggest is based on opinion without knowing either of you. Your decision is based on what you know and experience.
Do what is best for you. You reached this point in your relationship; because after all efforts, you still remain unhappy with what you have.
Just realize the facts and reality. You have to actually stop the sex, and end all contact. That also means going through the whole range of emotions associated with a breakup. It's miserable. Agonizing. I'm not going to lie, and I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. It's not fair to him for you to be going back and forth. Essentially messing with his feelings; and lying to yourself.
We are designed to survive break-ups. There are the emotionally-frail, who can't survive much of anything that requires them to face discomfort and/or rejection. They dramatize and immerse themselves in self-pity; but the point is to move on and find something better. We are allowed to do that; if the relationship we are in, fails to meet the criteria we set that would make the connection fulfilling and satisfying to our needs. You will never find the perfect relationship; but you will find one that you will feel worth the trouble to make it work, and there would be no question about it.
Relationships have their ups and downs. If it continuously deteriorates, and your partner makes little or no effort to help you make it work, you end it. You have to follow-through with the decision.
Technically, you haven't broken-up with your boyfriend. You are already in the process of giving him another chance. You're just counting-down until his next screw-up.
The truth is, you really want to breakup with him without hurting his feelings, and feeling quilt about it. Sorry, there is no pain-free way to breakup. You can have amicable breakups without a fight; but somebody feels rejected, and everybody feels pain. At the present, you are only delaying the inevitable.
This commentary says it all:
"But apart of me is scared the same thing will happen and honestly I want to move on. I'd love to start dating again but don't feel right doing so while in a friends with benefits relationship with my EX-BOYFRIEND. I just don't know how to break that attachment..."
"Honestly" you want to move on. So that is what you should do. Be honest.
How do you break the attachment? By going completely no contact, and using some self-control to deal with the urges to do the opposite. No lie, it is hard as hell to do. Once you do it, you deal with the pain. You work to heal, recover, grow, and move on. You analyze the lessons learned and try not to repeat the mistakes you've made. You don't search for blame, you own some responsibility for why the relationship didn't work. You don't start a new relationship, or date; until you have dealt with the pain of your breakup. No one needs your baggage, or conflicted feelings. Avoid relationships on the rebound.
If you are a indecisive person, you are also rebound-prone. There is a lot of growing up to do. It will benefit you in the long-run. You're young, and you should be dating, learning, and preparing yourself for the best relationship of your lifetime.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2014): Stop sleeping with him without his being committed to you! Demonstrate to him you have some self respect or he will never respect you!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2014): "And I have a feeling, based on the sort of stuff he says, he's going to try to ask to be together again."Sorry, but I have a feeling, based on the sort of stuff guys say to string along ex-girlfriends whom they know are still hung up on them, is that he's telling you what you want to hear so you'll keep putting out for him without making any promises to which he can be held. As things stand he has absolutely no incentive to try to get back together with you; you're already giving him exactly what he wants without any obligation or commitment required on his part. Why should he up the ante when you have nothing more to offer him than what he's already getting? As the old saying goes, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"Stop sleeping with him and see how long he sticks around. My guess is not very.
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