A
female
age
30-35,
*risTaylor
writes:MOD NOTE: your update is emphatic that the name you chose for your account - KrisTaylor - is NOT your real name . .... . ..... . ...... . .......Hello all, I've recently hit a rough patch with my new husband and need some advice.My husband has aspergers, very high functioning. When we moved to a different country and we have had to stay with his mother until our house is finished. The day we got here, him and her started fighting like cats and dogs and it hasn't stopped since. He's constantly telling her that she's a bad mother, and honestly I feel terrible for her, because she has been letting us stay here rent free because she knows we are waiting on our house. He has even gone so far as to verbally attack her and call her all manner of nasty names. Well, she had finally had enough and told him to leave, so I am with his mother, he is with his grandmother at the moment. The question I have is, do I give him a chance to show he's not like that once we have our own place, or leave? He's a good man most of the time, and I've never heard him speak with such venom as he does with his mother, sister, and brother. If you need anything clarified, please don't hesitate to ask!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2016): Like I said in my earlier post, you assumed his behavior was due to his Asperger's; and you actually have witnessed his temper. It must have seemed usual; or you wouldn't have attributed his anger to his disorder.
My parents taught me from a very young child to judge my friends and future mates by their tempers. Those that have a short fuse are potentially dangerous people. Men who are especially violent and show rage will turn on you. You dismissed the red-flags; because you didn't want to accept the worst side of him.
Well, the signs are there; and you have been warned of his violent tendencies towards his family. I wouldn't plan having kids until this man gets that anger- management counseling; and even then, I'd wait a couple of years.
He apparently knows how to hide his true colors from you; or you're just deep in denial. Sometimes people love people so much they only see what they want to see.
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (18 December 2016):
 You need to talk to him. You need to speak to him and tell him how much this has scared you. He may have Aspergers but it is no excuse to behave like this. Maybe there is undermining lying issues, maybe something is bothering him. Maybe he is struggling to communicate, maybe he needs professional help. Talk to his mother, tell her how you feel, ask her for advise.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 December 2016):
 Tell him then, that you are so scared of him and his anger that you are considering not moving in with him, and starting a family is out of the question unless he can show he is controlled and can stay calm in an argument.
Then if he cant, you need to figure out if you will stay married and just not live together, or divorce.
Do not have children with him unless you are 100% sure he has his anger under control.
I think blaming Asperger's is a poor excuse. He cant read facial expressions or read between the lines. But when being told point blank certain behavior is unacceptable he has the intelligence to understand it. More likely he believes he can manipulate everyone to allow him these anger outbursts, because you will believe that he cant help it.
But think about what Asperger's actually is, and what it isnt. He is far from dumb, and if he can play you, he will. Not because he is cruel, but because he can. So stay sharp and be firm in your demands.
It could also be that he has more conditions than just Asperger's, but that is a wild guess. The point that you need to remind yourself of is that his Asperger's does NOT make him above the law. And acting like he can't be touched because it's his illness is just giving him more free room to do exactly this sort of crap.
Now, I don't mean to offend anyone, but you need to treat him like you'd treat a poorly behaved dog. Because when it comes to teaching him right from wrong you need to keep it simple, to the point, and be consistent. If he gets away with it one time he will keep doing it again and again. He thinks he can play you and that you will think "aww, poor him" instead of punishing.
My dad got diagnosed with Asperger's, and Im telling you, the only reason he's acting up with his anger and being a brute towards people is because he knows he can get away with it.
You got to ask yourself, did your husband attack the police the same way he attacked his family? No? Then it's not about not being able to control it at all, it's about knowing who you can throw shit at and still get away with it.
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female
reader, KrisTaylor +, writes (18 December 2016):
KrisTaylor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen we first started dating, he told me that his mother was this horrible person, and me being his girlfriend, I believed him. He still maintains that she's a bad person, but I've seen nothing to show that. She's been nothing but kind to me.
I saw his temper before we met, but never like this, and I always assumed it was because of his aspergers.
I have talked to him about anger management, and he has said he will go, but he still hasn't made any appointments or does it seem like he's very serious about getting help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2016): I truly don't believe anyone can disguise a temper like that for any extended period of time. I think you rushed and got married in spite of temper flare-ups that you have experienced or witnessed yourself. You dismissed them as no big deal, as women sometimes do. Thinking this was just a symptom of his Asperger's, machismo (often mistaken for strength), or you could deal with it all later on down the road.
I just find it quite difficult to accept that you never experienced his temper before marrying this guy.
If you are afraid of him, and you don't approve of his violent behavior. Tell him so! Offer him the ultimatum to get help, or you will begin the process of a divorce. If he doesn't comply, do it! You're giving the impression that this is all a big surprise to you. I just won't accept that.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 December 2016):
 Since you are staying with him mom, have you talked about the episodes with her?
I do think there are a LOT of red flags here. Ans like everyone else says, it's not about Asperger - those are some rather severe anger mood swing issues.
People don't usually just "stop" being abusive and violent. Anger management can perhaps help him learn to control it, but does he even accept that his behavior is out of control?
If I were in your shoes I would worry about the future too. What you two have is fairly new, so he is on his better if not best behavior with you, but if he can attack him MOTHER - I would presume at some point when it's just you and him, YOU would be next.
I would DEFINITELY talk to him about this and his mother. There are always two sides to a story. And I don't think it's a "private" issue between mom and son - not if it has the potential of causing YOU harm in the (near) future. I always think there is a correlation between HOW a mom treats her son and a son treats her mom and treats his partners.
It seems you bought the cat in the bag with this guy. That you married a man who has serious issues you either weren't aware of or took seriously. Did he tell you about having issues with his mom? With anger? (before you two got married)
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female
reader, KrisTaylor +, writes (16 December 2016):
KrisTaylor is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI worry because I recently found out that before he came to the states for our wedding he threw coffee on his sister, and got into a physical fight with his brother. They've had to call the police on him 3 times.
I worry that he has not changed as he says he has.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 December 2016):
I think you need to talk to him and figure out what all this is REALLY about. OR you will be living with a man who might make YOU the next target for his verbal abuse.
The fact that he has no problem doing this in front of you, means (at least in my book) he won't be afraid to do it to you) - but the thing is you don't know the story behind this anger.
Does he talk to his siblings this way? That makes it even more important that YOU feel you can live with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016): You are newly married.probably that's why he is treating you well at the moment. If he could talk to his mother like that imagine how he is going to treat your in the future? Talk to him and make him understand that you do not approve of or expect such behaviour from him.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (15 December 2016):
You need to talk to him about this. He should apologize to his family for his behavior.
I think this is a pattern he's been in since he was little and lived with his family. Coming back has made him act the way he did before. It's hard to break free from such patterns, and you keep arguing over the same old thing as you argued over 20 years ago. It's a pattern you fall in to, the way he learned to communicate in that house, the way his mothers and family communicate with him etc.
I often think it takes two to tango, but the way you describe it, it sounds like this is just him being cruel against people who do not do any such cruel things to him in return. It's one sided from him only. So I think he needs to learn a lesson, the lesson of apologizing.
And, I think it's for the better than he moved out and stays with his grandmother. Not all people can live together, it gets cramped up pretty fast.
You could also wait with moving into the new house with him, if you'd like. But I think as you're recently married, you can not just end things already. You married him, so you should stick to it. Marriage isn't just living together, you made a promise to him to stay with him for life. So give it time.
But he needs to apologize to his family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016): There is an issue between your husband and his mother, that is a private family-issue that must be resolved between the two of them. Try to be the peace-maker if you can. Stay neutral. Remove him from the room before it escalates to a tantrum and name-calling.
He is your husband. Your relationship is separate from the relationship he shares with his mother. It really has nothing to do with your marriage; and you don't leave your husband because he has a falling-out with his mother. You'd leave if he has a falling-out with you, that cannot be reconciled; or if he becomes abusive towards you.
I think you should show his mother your respect, support, and gratitude for her generosity. Console her, but keep your opinions to yourself. You're in touchy territory and may not know their whole history. If she were a bad mother, you and your husband would not be living there, let alone rent-free.
Your husband has a problem; and it may require some anger-management therapy. He is verbally-abusive, and it needs to be checked. His issues may go beyond just Asperger's. He has a problem with anger and rage.
I would insist he get anger-management counseling; before it does become a problem with your marriage. If it does, and he refuses to get help. You have a reason to leave him.
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