A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really am starting to worry about the future now and what decisions I should make. There have been lots of things that have happened over the last few years that is very difficult to talk to anyone about, so I came across this and thought, it would be great to hear some other peoples advice as an outsider. Will try to keep it as brief as possible as too much to mention.I have not have very much luck at all in relationships, after years being with my last partner, he confessed that he had gender issues and could no longer cope. Anyway supported him as much as I could for 2 years after finding out, but the dressing ect became a regular occurance and he could not reassure me that he would not want to go down the road of transition one day as sometimes feels he identifies as female. Anyway I could not take much more. So a while after this, I did meet someone else, who I have been with now for 5 years. He is older than me I am 36 he is 53. I do love this man, but he has so many complicated issues, in that I am always stressed out as there is never any telling what he may do. He says himself he feels as though he sometimes is different characters, and he has a very child like character in him, and when he is like this he will do very destructive things. He has been unfaithful before, but I know its not so much to do with the sex as he is not really that highly sexed. If anyone pays him any interest then this is when he may encourage things by texting etc an responding. By a way of reassurance to me, his words are, yes I know I wonder into situations at times that I shouldn't, but if I did and you rang me, id me straight back, I would never put anyone above you. How can that re assure me, because this is dangerous isn't it, but he cant see it, that he would get himself in a situation in the first place. Its not even in this area only, when he is on one of these notions, he could go out to a job, and he will mess that up as well! Its so strange. This causes me so much stress as how can I feel settled knowing that there is the danger of him doing something that isn't good. He also has a problem with age as well, in that someone that could be young, he sometimes wont see them as young and I have witnessed it myself, and he will be having an adult conversation with maybe a 13 year old. He is also obbessed about the corruption of the world constantly researching all the time. Im not sure if I can put all these things down to being a mental issue I just have no idea as there seems to be so many issues going on. He also says that he feels he has a very feminine side, and sometimes is why he is reluctant to want to have sex as he says its as though a voice inside him will say, no, shes not having it and its the female kicking off inside him. But then when he feels masculine hes fine with it. So apparently he does a lot of sexual things on his own, ie tantric. But says its not all necessary sexual sometimes it can be and sometimes not. Anyway my main concern now is, other than that he stresses me out all the time, is I never thought id be where I am now at this age. I always expected and wanted me to have a family life. I know he who I am with, if I wanted a child he said he would be more than happy to have one, but I don't think hed help me out much on that side as he seems to struggle to get himself through life. He also has stages where he drinks excessively. he could be okay for a month, then, there you have it hes on a 2 day bender! but it comes from no where, he can be quite happy and he will do it. Nothing makes sense with him, he has been as honest as he can with me about how he is. He seems to only have blinkered vision as well, where he can only see what goes on in front of him and can not think of something that could be happening some where else, I have noticed this. Anyway, Its very difficult because I love this person, but im worried for the future. My ex who had the gender issues we are friends still and have been since, he hasn't done anything with it, and he says he never will and since we have split he just doesn't want to move one with anyone else. He would do anything to get back with me, and Im thinking id do anything to just feel safe, and not have to be worried about whats going to happen etc, and im questioning, do I get back with him, and have a baby and be with the ex and have a companionship relationship, because the thing is im not in love with him in that way. Or do I stick with who I am with and put up with all these problems and have a child and except that im going to have some rough times. Its so complicated. I would really appreciate opinions. At this stage I have told him I want a break, but Im feeling not well because of it if I walk it will be so hard for me. He also says he doesn't understand life generally, and looks at the world and thinks what an earth is everyone doing. Maybe he is just mental, I don't know?....
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 October 2016):
 You would probably be his last because nobody else would put up with his behavior. Am sorry I just don't buy his excuses, yes he has a warped way off looking at things, but he knows how he is treating you is wrong, he also knows that you will let him. He seems pretty confident that you won't leave. But in order to keep your mental health in tact I would strongly advice leaving him. Yes it is to soon to date others, you will feel guilty. You do still have feelings for him. This is why you should leave him and take time out on your own. Avoid all contact with him and allow yourself the chance to get over him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2016): I know its awful. I am a very strong minded person as well but when feelings are involved its so difficult isn't it to walk away. I was in tears last night and hardly slept at all. I find things so confusing. We don't have a lot of intermacy generally and the strange thing is, hes not really that sexually active and in terms of being forth coming he is far from it. Ive been a bit upset lately as he doesn't make me feel very wanted or loved at all and I have told him about this, he will start with getting on the defencive and say no one is ever going to have my entire soul, im me and I appreciate all what ive got and my inner self. Then he admits sometimes he struggles and thinks in his mind, mmm, yeah why should I let her have it! How or why would someone think this way? He says its awful he thinks this way sometimes and he knows its not right. Then last night I said I don't think you have genuine natural feelings for me, he says, he understands why I would feel this way and says he does love me, BUT in his way. what does that mean, no idea! He says all the relationships he has had, this always comes out that hes this way, so he says he wouldn't be any different with anyone else. He says he finds it very difficult to reach out especially more so when I bring these things up. I mean even though im in tears and saying why does he not make me feel wanted etc, even then at this point, he cant put it right by making me feel better, he just agrees and says he understands why id feel this way. I say to him you obviously have needs and would feel that you wanted to make love or have sex at some point eventually. He said, well no, even when say, one of his friends will say, look at her, id give her one, he says he would think, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction ! Then he says he knows this is strange! He then said, if this relationship didn't last, this is his last, there would never be anyone else, and he said because of the fact im not very needy in that way, he felt happier and he gets all he needs from me and doesn't want anything else. He confuses the hell out of me, I feel so sad :( Its crazy I am often having interest from lots of men always asking if they can take me out so im not short of offers, but I cant seem to have any interest in anyone else. I forced myself to have a drink with someone who lives close by, and he just pays me so many compliments. I had a few drinks with him, he tried to kiss me and it just felt all wrong, then it makes me feel bad, but why should I feel bad, I shouldn't really should I. But my problem is, I cant flit from one person to another and be close when my feelings are some where else, but why, is he this way with me. Ive been with him for 5 years now, I mean if he didn't have feelings for me then why has it lasted this long. He says this as well, he says think about it, it wouldn't have lasted as long as it has if he hadn't feelings and he loves me in HIS WAY, even if its not the normal way. I don't know what this means! I just know I feel very lonely and very upset and very sad. I don't even talk to any of my friends about all the things he says, because they would probably think its crazy. When he left me this morning and I left for work, he said he feels terrible I feel this way and now I have brought all this up we have a massive problem because he doesn't want to loose me as I will be his last. Then says when things are nice and calm the intermacy can happen and he just struggles to change into that mode but when we do, he says he loves it. He says when I bring it up, it makes it even more of a problem for him and pushes him futher away...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 October 2016):
you can't knock him for being honest no, but you need to see it as it is, he does not respect you. He does not want to be committed to you. He sounds almost arrogant like you should be thankful he comes home to you at night. Honestly I don't know how you can stick him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2016): Thankou for comments. It is difficult when you love someone, but I think it seems so difficult to find someone now that seems to be a naturally happy soul. I don't even need a lot to make me happy either. The reason I say about maybe I should consider my ex because I know he would do anything for me and he seems to put me before anything else and has done still ever since. Maybe that's telling me I should be lucky to have someone like that even though he has gender issues.With the one im with now, its strange really because I cant exactly get angry with him because of his honesty. I even say to him, how can you think its okay to sleep with someone else, or start something up going for drinks etc with other women is okay. He answers with, if hes in the right mind then he wouldn't. and in the end no one will come above me. I could put a stop to it just like that. The he wonders why I get upset, and says I can never seem to let anything rest, well how can you with that kind of answer. As obviously you can see cant you from this that there is the likelynes he could do this again. He will then say you cant worry about what might happen! He sends my brain going crazy. He says our sexual beings are entirely different to our normal beings. and if he did something with someone, then it doesn't mean he wants to be with them as I have everything else as well as im a proper person. I think, oh how kind of him. He then sometimes even asks, have I ever had mistrust in any other relationship, and that I need to have a leap of faith. No I have never had miss trust with anyone else as things like that have never come out of there mouth. I mean why would someone say these things? For what? Well you cant knock him for being honest can you?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (6 October 2016):
I don't think you should be with either men. You have said yourself you are not in love with your ex so why would you contemplate spending the rest of your life with him? You deserve to be happy as well, you seem to be forgetting that.
As for the guy you are with now, I really think you should end it. Yes you may love him, but is love enough? By your own admission you say you are always stressed, he cheats on you, he seems to have mental health issues. It would not be fair on a baby to bring them in to this world.
I honestly feel you should end things and concentrate on yourself. Allow yourself to be happy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2016): I'm afraid I'm going to be blunt. Putting your feelings aside why would you want to raise a child with a mentally ill / confused / abusive / cheating man (delete as appropriate). I think your judgement has been impaired by your previous partner and now you're in something equally unsuitable and unhappy. Keep taking a break and work on YOU. Freeze your eggs if you're worried about your biological clock.
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