A
female
age
36-40,
*rlamai
writes:My boyfriend and I have been on and off for several years, lived together, broken up, worked together, broken up, lived in separate cities, broken up... We do love each other very much but for some reason can never quite get it together and tension builds up and we break up.Recently his father passed away suddenly during another of our breaks. Any animosity was quickly put aside and I have been there for him as much as he has needed me throughout this difficult time for him. We meet for lunch, talk on the phone... recently (and probably predictably) this has turned in to something deeper and we have discussed getting back together. The thought of this does make me happy as it does him but I mentioned it to my best friends who have made it clear that they do not want me to do this. They say I will get hurt again, waste any chance of meeting someone who will treat me right and become, to quote, 'a shadow of my former self, and why be friends with a shadow.' I understand these are very strong words, my friends are pleading with me not to get back with him. He never cheated or did anything truly awful... he has a temper and I am quite placid so our arguments tend to be difficult. We have only ever broken up because he has broken up with me, never the other way around. He does seem to have changed..Am I being a total idiot? Does anyone have any examples or thoughts where something like this has worked?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): arlamai your friends are right and you know this. You are questioning it too because you know it's not a good idea.
Several years you have tried and failed to make it work. Several years of your life and the majority of those wasted on heart break and arguments.
You're really considering getting back together because his father died? That's not a good reason and I bet the last reason you got back together wasn't good either. When the sadness of his loss fades, he'll no longer need you for comfort, the arguments will start again and he'll be gone again until the next time. This is the way your life will be until you completely let go of this guy.
One question you need to ask yourself, what makes you think after years of trying and failing that you can make it work this time? I bet the reason you tell yourself is the exact same reason you used all those other times and yet you were wrong, well you're wrong now too.
arlamai your friends are getting pretty tired of watching you flog this dead horse, there's only so much emotional trauma and pain you can put them through on purpose. arlamai it hurts your friends to see you in pain and heart broken and if you go through with this you're basically putting them through that again, guaranteed.
I had a friend like you, 6 years of a painful on/off relationship. He always dumped her, she always took him back. I stopped being her fried because I had enough of her dragging me down with her when she was choosing to get hurt every single time. I'm a good friend arlamai but when a friend keeps putting themselves in a position of pain, when they keep hurting themselves and hurting me then I walk away. You see I will help a friend if they burn their hand but if they keep putting their hand the fire then eventually I'm just going to let them burn. Because frankly I don't want to get burned too.
You're just addicted to loving this guy and won't let go. He;s your heroin and everything is great for a little while then it all turns to shit but you keep going back for more, and like a heroin addict your life is going nowhere. Nothing is happening, you're still there stuck in your miserable addiction, unable to find any joy or happiness only brief moments of pleasure when you're both stupid enough to think it's a good idea to go again.
The longer you leave this go on, the more life passes you by and the less friends you will have because everyone has their limit and no one wants to be friends with a person who has such a harmful addiction.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): It's probably not a good idea to get back together with a guy who has already dumped you several times. Especially since he's having a hard time right now, and you're probably a pretty convenient person to lean on. Listen to your friends. They know both of you and your history, want the best for you, and are not emotionally involved in this situation like you are.
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk! +, writes (11 April 2011):
 Hiyaaaa,No problem in giving people second chances and if you feel it's right then go for it.Honestly your friends does have a point, he broke up with you which kinda indicates he could do it again. And friends can only advise the best because they care.Truthfully I think you should get back together to see what happens and if it doesn't work out, don't try and push it. So give it one last chance and if it doesn't work than it's not meant to be. If you go with this idea tell your friends that it's one last chance to really put your love through a test, and hopefully your friends will understand because you can't repeat the same old mistakes otherwise it get tiring!Hope my advice helps!Good luck!Ima FreAk!x
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