A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been tossing myself back and forth lately about making a decision about a wonderful relationship I'm currently in. Just a little background about myself first -- I was an extremely "dorky" and awkward teeneager growing up. School was such a high priority in my life, that other aspects of my personal development (ie. dating, socializing) weren't really developed to the extent that they should have back then. In terms of relationships, I never so much as held a girl's hand until I was halfway through my senior year in college. It wasn't that I was a complete loner - I had friends - I just somehow was frustrated that I was never able to really open up to people and form really deep, sharing relationships. During my senior year in college a girl showed interest in me, and I took the advance right up considering how desperate I was at that point. The girl really wasn't attractive to me at all, but her personality fit with mine, and she was a willing body, and so I went ahead with all my "firsts" with her - at an age at which most of my peers were probably well experienced. What followed was a rather unhealthy 3 year relationship in which I still never was completely attracted to her, yet continued on to get the benefits of having a close, sharing partner. This girl eventually broke up with me (thankfully from my side) and I was left single again last winter. I then really started to open up for the first time in my life - I dated many women, and even had a one night stand with a girl I met at a bar. This was a major show of confidence and daring from my side, considering the meek way I had conducted myself as a teenager. In April I met a georgeous and intelligent woman, and quickly fell into a loving relationship with her. Right away, despite the joy of the relationship, I felt unsure whether I was making the right move in putting an end to the first single, swinging time of my life, but it just felt so good that I went along with it. We are going on eight months now, and in terms of the relationship, things just could not be better . We are physically and emotionally intimate extremely often. While the initial novelty of the relationship has worn off, we are as attached as ever -- making my current dilemma that much more difficult!Basically my problem is that I feel that I have a rush of good times pent up inside of me that I was only starting to develop when I met my current girlfriend. The thrill of the "hunt" is facinating and wildly exciting for me, and often times when we're in a bar on a weekend night, I will look at the other pretty girls, and wish I could try my best moves on them. I'm curious about what sex with the other girls would be like, and wonder if I would still be challenged to put my best foot forth in terms of physical appearance and activities if I was still a player in the "game." My girlfriend has told me about her wild times in college, and says that she's done with that kind of lifestyle. From everything I've seen, she looks like she is at a point where she is done "exploring" and just is looking for stability. Somehow I feel like we're kinda at opposite points where she wants to slow down, and I'm thrilled at the possibility of "speeding up." She tells me over and over that she thinks I'm wonderful, and the fact that I didn't "explore" the same way she did makes no difference in how she feels for me, yet I still worry that if I don't use my mid-twenties now to "sow my wild oats" I will always regret it.I've come to certain points where I thought - "OK, I have to tell her that I don't know if I want a committed relationship at this point", but every time I'm about to do this, we have an absolutely wonderful time together and I just can't bring myself to it. I wonder if I really need to end this wonderful relationship I'm in to satisfy my cravings, or whether doing so would be an act of incredible stupidty. I would lose a girl who is so close to my idea of perfection to chase potentially "greener" pastures on the other side. I could just as soon see myself going through the usual frustrations of being single, all the time regretting letting go of something that was so great.Has anybody else been in this position ever in their lives? I feel like a jerk talking about my girlfriend like this -- she certainly doesn't deserve it considering how much she's meant to me- but its just something that was on my mind that I needed to discuss.Thanks
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broke up, confidence, one night stand, player, swinging Reply to this Question
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female
reader, penelopelane +, writes (20 October 2011):
What did you end up doing? Are you happy with your decision? I'm curious.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): I'm amazed at how similar your situation is to my own.
I had an awkward and skinny build in my teens and early 20s and while I had a good network of friends and knew lots of girls there was rarely any interest shown in me sexually.
It really sucked actually - I'd see my mates go through strings of girls and relationships of varying lengths but I could never succeed in even getting casual or one-off sex. At that age it was very very frustrating.
Eventually I did manage to have my first sexual experience at age 20 with a girl I knew well but was also known for her 'availability'. I thought 'I'm finally in the game' and experienced as great deal of relief but also excitement - I felt like a man. I had sex another 2 times with her over the following months and I wasn't really even phased that I was possibly one of a couple of other guys she was having casual relationships with simultaneously.
Then I embarked on a year of dating and I took lots of girls on dates. Not a single date however yielded any sexual 'results'. I was a bit dejected but I started getting into shape and my body was changing too - I was filling out and getting more interest from girls.
Then I met a girl through mutual friends who took showed more interest in me than anyone had ever before. One night we hooked up at a friend's 21st and afterwards had sex. I thought - ' I'm there, I'm really there! At last!' and I hardly had to try.
Coming off a virtual drought I wasn't going to let her go and we ended up in a great relationship. It was going fantastically and we had sex everywhere and all the time. I couldn't believe how good it was.
I made the point to her after a few weeks in that I still had to sow my wild oats and she understood - I was after all only 21. She even said to to friends once that things were great but I probably needed to have a couple of more girlfriends before we settled down. I couldn't believe her frankness. She'd already had a number of partners and one previous long term relationship so I guess she accepted that I had to 'catch up' in the experience side of things.
I was curious why after about 8 months however the sex seemed to dry up almost overnight. It was odd - we used to shag everywhere and then it just slowed right down. She said it was normal for the honeymoon period to die down like that but I was still ready for it 24/7.
That was 10 years ago and I am married to her now. I can't imagine my life without her and look forward to our future together but somewhere in along the way I just had to forfeit that casual sexual experience I'd been looking so forward to embarking upon in my earlier years.
I guess it came down to that fact that I couldn't imagine getting a girl as good as her ever again and I'd be stupid to break it off just to get a few more notches in the belt.
I've always been faithful but many times over the years I've wished I could just put things on ice to head out and just see what it's like to pursue other women. It's not that I don't love her, it's just that as a male I'm genetically programmed to spread my seed and those thoughts and feelings are quite natural.
My mum always said 'don't marry the first girl you meet!' but I did exactly that. When I called her on it years later when I was engaged she felt as if she'd given me bad advice and to disregard it but there was a lot of truth in it.
My situation has frustrated me many, many times and I very much feel as if I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I could split and play the field but I'd be miserable at losing my soulmate and best friend. On the other hand I have just had to resign myself to the fact that, sexually, I've missed the boat. Our sex life is ok I guess but I barely have a basis for comparison. I don't feel as if I've matured properly to know the intricacies of what it's like to have a one night stand or a relationship run it's full course.
I often think that with the benefit of hindsight I'd loved to have met my wife a couple of years later.
Truth be told I don't think I ever had the balls to say 'hey - I need to go out and play the field'. Maybe I should have done that.
I can't offer advice really but I can empathise with you. I know precisely what you're going through. I'm not going to go out and have an affair and cheat but I admit that the idea does sound exciting sometimes.
It's sounds awful but now that I'm in my early thirties I think the ship has long since sailed on my sexual explorations and I did forfeit my twenties to be in a committed relationship. I have resigned myself to it and try to justify it by thinking why would I ruin a perfectly good relationship over something as trivial as sex. ;-)
Good luck and I hope you make the choices you feel are right. Mine were both the best and the worst of my life.
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A
male
reader, chuckles  +, writes (28 March 2009):
I personally believe the two choices you have are not contradictory. The desire to sow wild oats do not eliminate the possibility of loving the person you are with. Sure, the initial swoon might not last, but love might remain, and desire to experience and this love are not mutually exclusive. I mean to say that, if you do have such a desire for temporary freedom, it does not discredit your claim that you do love her. There is a question as to whether you are being fair to her, but if she knows how you feel, than it would alleviate any guilt you might feel from feeling this pressure while being with her. Either choice might go terribly wrong. You might break up with the ideal person to settle down with and with whom you would happy, and who you do genuinely care about and love, to live a debaucherous life that might or might not meet your expections, and end up extremely lonely and longing for what you had. You might also remain with her, have the feelings change for her change, paired with a feeling of regret and quarter-life crisis that is doubtful to go away.
Heed the people who claim that if you are even thinking about sowing wild oats, then you do not care for her: it isn't true.
You are just trying to be wise with the decision, and i'm sure you might be partially resentful that her appetite for the life is sated when she expressed this to you. I don't have any guidelines for you, and you will realize that at some point, your pro/con list will become speculative and uncertain as you cannot know the future. I suppose the main idea is to decide which feeling will burden you more, an irking, present (as in today), lasting, feeling of having missed out on something, or the prospective feeling of loneliness and longing for the dream girl you had. And yes, as mentionned, she can be the ideal girl for you while you have the feeling to sow wild oats: it is absurd to think otherwise. If you want to know why I think it is absurd to think otherwise, let me know if you believe it to be pertinent.
Good luck with your choice, and let me know of any guidelines you've brainstormed or learned.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): Something is obviously not quite right in your relationship with her if you're considering other women that seriously. I don't recommend staying with her, as if you don't resolve these feelings they will only get worse with time. Sooner or later, you'll probably stray and hurt her even worse. If I was this girl, and knew what you have told us, I'd want you to end it with me. It would hurt me, and I'd be angry with you, but at least I wouldn't be wasting my time on someone with different priorities than my own. Let her find someone who does want 100% to settle down with her, love her and only her, and not spend the rest of his life wondering "what if...?"
That said, you probably WILL regret ending this relationship someday. You'll look back on it with nostalgia when you're weathering the ups and downs of being single and looking. But when you do find someone else, you'll appreciate her all the more knowing that being a "player" is out of your system, and you're ready to settle down and be thankful for what you have. Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): Yea I know how you feel mate. But just know this: If you have any doubts about your relationship, listen to them and go with your natural instinct because the feelings you have for this girl are not strong enough to keep you from thinking the way you do. Sure, it's gonna be painful on both sides but from personal experience, you will eventually end up feeling constrained by this relationship and wished you'd listened to yourself much earlier.But that's just my thinking - see what the others here may say.Good luck.
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