A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend now for almost two years. We have lived together now for exactly one year. She has a five-year-old son who I love very much that also lives with us. When she moved here we discussed the roles I would play with her son and what my responsibilities were. The agreement we came to was that I would help her out when she needed by babysitting when my work schedule permitted and financially as much as was feasible.I never minded doing anything I could to help and eventually took on a complete parental role on my own, with which her son now views me as one of his primary care-takers. I feel as though I did way more than what was pre-discussed and did so willingly. I have been doing the things every parent does. I worked a full time job and picked him up from school when I was available. I bought him food when we were running low, I drove two hours to take him to the state where his grandparents live every weekend because my schedule permitted me to while my girlfriends schedule did not. I gave up shifts at work to watch him because money was tight and I suffered drastically from this financially. I split the cost of childcare for months and months when my girlfriend was struggling. Every shred of my spare time was spent being a parent, which I loved.I have just begun school again for the second time and it's essential that I accel in my program. I work a part time job on the weekends, and babysit every free afternoon I have if I am not in class, while my girlfriend works a full-time job. I pick him up every afternoon from school and either watch him until she comes home or let the babysitter come to the house and pick him up so I can go to class. I feel like I am literally doing everything a parent does, emotionally, financially, and physically, with the exception of a few doctors bills and his school lunch money. So when her tax return became finalized, I didn't feel unjustified to ask for a tiny, insignificant percentage of it back, considering we shared completely in the raising and well being of her son. We split every bill in the house and childcare and food. We do not have a joint bank account therefore it's not like we are both able to access the money. I literally felt as though I got used and it was very upsetting.I do acknowledge that she paid for a decent amount more than I did for his medical expenses and a few other things. But I spent a very decent amount of money on him, not knowing the exact figures considering I don't keep track of every penny. It just seemed upsetting to me that I did all of that and she felt that I deserved nothing in return. On a side note, her sons father owes five grand in back pay for child support. When he files his taxes it will all go straight in her pocket. Problem is, he's a dead beat, and for years has refused to file simply because he doesn't want to let her have that money. So she offered to give this man a thousand dollars of her return just to simply do what he's supposed to do as a man and a father and file. Yet the person who's over here actually helping raise her child and bend over backwards to maintain a job, childcare and school gets the shaft. Maybe I am unreasonable. Maybe I expect too much. Maybe I don't deserve anything. But that's the point of this really long post. To find out if I am completely unjustified in feeling as though I deserve a little portion of that return. I'm not opposed to hearing I'm wrong. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): You don't seem to have a full understanding of what a "complete parental role" really is. Parents don't get paid to have children. Also, when they care for them, feed them, or pick them up from school, it's not called "babysitting"--it's parenting. You say you not only agreed to take on these roles, but also that you "loved" being a parent for him, so you should not ask for any of her money in return. It seems like this money will probably go towards things for him anyway, like food, clothes, or medical expenses. You mention the ex, and if he owes her so much money anyway, how could you possibly expect her to turn around and give that to you? He owes her and his child the money, not you.You and your girlfriend need to have a heart-to-heart and rediscuss not only the finances, but also the basis of the relationship itself. From the way you word some of your phrases in the past tense, it seems as if you view this relationship as already over. The mom and the kid are going to be together no matter what, so you can't have one without accepting the other...no matter how much he costs you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This sounds like a situation that goes beyond the tax return at hand, into something much bigger, namely the division of financial and household responsibilities between the two of you.
I recommend that you both sit down and have a business-like conversation about this. I know it's a difficult subject to raise, but the present uncertain situation is not sustainable, emotionally or practically. It's particularly difficult for you, because you're the party who earns less - while you're at school, you're not going to make as much as someone working fulltime. You need to be honest about what you can afford, but it is essential that you make it clear that you're not trying to get 'cash for nothing' here! That message may go over better if you agree to give something up - for instance, to switch to a cheaper phone contract, or to buy only cheap, secondhand clothes while you are at college, or going out with your friends less often.
At the same time, your partner needs to recognize the value of someone contributing everything they have in a situation - you're giving what you can, namely your time, to help her out. That does have a worth to you BOTH, in terms of saving on childcare expenses.
I recommend that you approach this in a calm, rational manner where you foreground your willingness to compromise. It sounds like the ideal solution would be for you both to pool your resources in a joint account and come to an agreement about your priorities regarding money, where you both decide what you can or cannot afford to buy. Work out your outgoings each month, and come to an agreement about who pays for what. If you're not able to 'put in' as much financially, try to work out what you can do in recompense - for instance, agree to do a certain number of hours of childcare each month, or to cook dinner every week night. I know it's hard, working and studying at the same time (I work 2 jobs and am doing a degree part-time myself, as well as doing most of the chores round the house, and often am on my feet for 16 hours non-stop in a day), but I am equally sure that an intelligent, considerate person like you can find a balance between household responsibilities, study, and part-time work. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (10 February 2011):
Well, I think perhaps you do need to sit down with calculator and tally up who's paying for what, and what the going rate for childcare is, and how you cover that "expense" with your time. You don't need to account for every penny, you should be able to figure the main things.
Forget the ex, he's not your business. And also forget your "share" of the child's expenses. He's not your child, so they are not your expenses. Then you can see where you net out and if you feel that you are doing more than your fair share, sit down and renegotiate things with your GF.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): she should realise u spent the cash and insist on giving you some back. she sounds like a dead beat!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): I think that really, after all you have done, you would have simply liked your partner to OFFER some of the money back to you. If you do not 'share' all your money, then I don't think you need to feel 'entitled' to your partners tax refund. I DO think, it would have been appropriate and kind for your partner to acknowledge all you do, and offer you some in appreciation. Since your partner did not, the upset, anguish and disappointment you are feeling, is not worth the small amount of money you feel entitled to. For your own sake, and your own peace, let it go. Your kindness WILL be rewarded one way or another, its just the way the 'universe' works.
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