A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Three years ago I met S., and we dated for a little while before he said that he wasn't ready for a relationship because he was getting over a recent breakup. Over the next year, he kept changing his mind between wanting to be friends and wanting to be in a relationship. I was 'on the hook', and this was really painful for me.Eventually the pain was too much, and I resolved to let it drop and stop hoping. I met someone else, L., and entered a relationship. But I never stopped thinking of S. The connection S. and I share was (and is) amazing on an emotional, intellectual and sexual level. We both acknowledge that we had never felt the same about anyone before (or since). We each feel totally understood by the other on a really deep level, as well as this electricity between us. After a 9 months of L. and I being together, S. contacted me and said that he couldn't hold it in any more: he wanted to be with me so badly, he wanted me to break up with L. and be with him. This was tough to hear, because I never stopped thinking about S.I dismissed it as a case of wanting the 'forbidden fruit' for both S. and I. More than that, L. and I were having a great relationship. We don't have the same level of connection as S. and I, but our relationship is 'tried and tested', not fantasy but reality. I decided to stay with L., because he is great and kind and we have a great life together. We moved in together.A year later, and S. and I met to talk things through. We both admitted that we have never stopped thinking of each other, that we fantasise secretly about being together. I thought that meeting and talking things through would be a reality check that would stop each of us suffering for the sake of a fantasy. However, it just made things worse: we both know we still love each other. We both know we still want to be together. S. told me he doesn't think he can meet anyone else like me, and I feel the same. But I'm in a serious relationship with L., where I have 90% satisfaction. All that's missing is the passionate intellectual, emotional and sexual connection that exists between S. and I. S. and I have tried cutting each other out of each other's lives - it doesn't work because we miss each other too much.We have tried being just friends - it doesn't work because we always want more of each other.The question is: do I break up with L.? Is it worth risking that 90% satisfaction and a very comfortable life together for an untested but potentially amazing relationship with S.? Above all, I just don't want to hurt L. and I feel so guilty for being the cause of this whole mess.Thank you.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 September 2016):
 The thing is I think you have built this up with S. L has given you his all, where as S was not ready to date you and he used you as a hook up, then you got in to a relationship and he wants you now because he cannot have you. My honest opinion is if you break up with L, then S will soon get bored and still not want to commit and you will be left alone and feeling used. Off course you know him better than I do, so I guess you need to make the decision yourself. But if you do choose to stay with L. Then there must be no more contact with S as it is not fair on your relationship, you are holding yourself back to being satisfied 100% nobody else.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 September 2016):
 I have to concur. *YOU* are the reason that the relationship between yourself and L is 90%, as you say. You've been dishonest from the start of it, because you kept things open with S, you kept fantasizing with S, you kept talking with S, and you alienated 10% of your affection from L because of a fantasy with S.
You don't know S. All you know are your sexual feelings and your fantasies. The guy wants you to leave L for him, and I must question why. You must ask the question: Why does he want YOU to do the same thing that he refused to do when you two were dating? He wouldn't date you when you were available because he "recently got out of a relationship", so now he wants you to immediately leave a stable and loving man for him, qualifying as a "recent" breakup?? S is bad news.
This ain't no fantasy decision. Once you leave L, you destroy everything. You have shortchanged L by being disloyal to him in keeping ties with S. Had you put 100% of your effort into your relationship with L and not been disloyal the 10% of the time in talking to S, fantasizing about him, and wishing you were somewhere else, your relationship with L would be in the upper eschelons of heaven. But you are dissatisfied for no other reason than you think the grass is greener.
I know for a certainty that if you drop L to be with S, you'll look back on it as one of the biggest regrets of your entire life. You'll see how he REALLY treats people when he's no longer a fantasy and you realize that relationships require 100% effort. You'll be with S, and realizing he's deficient, and be dreaming about L. You won't get L back.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 September 2016):
 I believe emotional, physical and intellectual connection are built and sustained throughout the years, not something you feel on an instant, or on a fantasy. I would never trust S because it sounds like he never knows what he wants and only wants something he can't have. It's possible that after he got you to break up with L, he's not sure about it after all. It's also possible that S tried to date someone else and it didn't work out. He exaggerated what he had with you and tried his luck on you again. I think you should cut contact with S and block his number on your phone. I don't see it as potentially amazing relationship, more likely as another chance for your heart to get broken again. He already had one track record of letting you down, followed by being wishy washy, while L hasn't done anything bad. If you break up with L, then question your decision and miss L, then you would indeed have something in common with S, and it won't be a good one. Such as going back and forth and not appreciating what you have at the moment. The mind has a trick to be unsatisfied with something you didn't finish. Don't let that fool you into believing that's love.
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