A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help as I am having a serious dilemma! I am with a wonderful guy...been together 2 years and are happy together. He has 2 kids, we want them together as I don't have any. When we met, we decided to save for a house, marriage etc. I love his kids to bits. We both work full time plus more - however I save more money for our future. Here is my huge dilemma - his ex. She is a bad mother (chucked her teenage son out, nasty to her children and we now have professionals involved). Professionals have told us we should go for full custody - which terrifies me. My other half has told me that this misery is never going to end. I fear that if we got full custody, I won't be able to have my own children as we won't have any money. He has told me that I would have a much nicer life without all this mess. His ex would definitely turn the kids on any child I have, and tell them there dad wouldn't be interested in them. We have them every weekend, they love coming to us. It's all evil. Literally. Her son (not my fella's) has been told he will go into care if he met up with his bio dad, they haven't spoken in 6 months. Their youngest is so sensitive and kind, yet she calls him fat (he isn't) so she can toughen him up for secondary school, but this just makes him more upset. I am constantly looking over my shoulder. I am miserable but I love my bloke. Sometimes I think, if I wasn't with him, he would have a more simple life. He thinks the same for me. I am 33 in a few weeks, terrified of my future if he wasn't in it but life is miserable with this situation. Everyone is suffering. I would really like my own house, my kids with him and his kids but she is making life so difficult. We don't have a lot of money, and every time she mentions solicitors and courts, I get worried as we don't have the money to take her, then in turn if we did get the money, my savings would suffer. we could not have what we want (own house, kids, marriage). Don't know what to do for the best...anyone in the same situation? Bow out for the sake of the children, fight her and stay with my other half, with the possibility that I might never get what I want out of life because we have to protect his kids from her? Please help! X
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 I think if anything you need to bow out for YOU. If HE and HIS baggage is too much for you (and there is NOTHING wrong in admitting that) then now would be a good time to "bow" out.
YOU have to look at YOUR future too. And if being with him means you can't fulfill ANY of your dreams is that really fair? Is that going to make you happy? Or .. are you bound to resent him down the line?
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (20 June 2013):
 I always ask myself before I get deep into a relationship with a man who has children and an ex-wife, what is their divorced relationship like; estranged or amicable and are the children likely to become part of our relationship fulltime? If there’s evil misery about, I bow out as it’s my self-preservation for sanity and peace! If the children become fulltime I have no fear or reservation in extending my love, finances and nurturing qualities onto them. Although I must have my needs met also to be fair; that being to start a family of our own etc. similar to you, but without the evil drama lurking about. As I too must protect my sanity and children’s environment that they will be born into without any deprivation of finances etc; therefore having harmony first up is paramount to me.Here if life could be nicer it would be for you and him to bow out of this mess gracefully :( at no fault to either of you, as you did not create this misery upon yourselves or on each other.As I see it, not only time is being eaten away at 32, but more importantly it will be your sanity and dreams of house, kids and marriage waiting to be realised one day after this mess clears up. (Sadly it never will?) Unless he obtains full custody, moves interstate and changes career to be as far away as possible from this toxic evil woman only then I would suggest hanging in there. But that too could be a hopeful wish for one day. Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): "Don't know what to do for the best... Bow out for the sake of the children..."
Yes, bow out for the sake of the children, yours in the future as well as his in the present. Any kids you have with him will not be able to escape the toxic influence of their half-siblings' mother. Boyfriend has enough on his plate with the kids he has, having more with you will only add to their misery.
Unfortunately he chose to make babies with a psycho bee-aw-itch and now he (and the kids) are stuck with the fallout for life. If you want children of your own, then you need to find a guy who doesn't carry any baggage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2013): I can understand how you feel, as a child af a sadistic and controlling father myself, which is what this woman is doing to her children, the only thing that matters is protecting his children. I understand that you have things you want, but his children need protecting and he has a duty of care to his children, if you really can't handle it then yes bowing out is the best option.
I know it is hard to do, but I can tell you that people failed in their duty of care to me, I ended up trapped and almost being starved to near death by my father and I had to fight hard to save my life and go to extraordinary lengths to do it, because no-one protected me when they were adults and had the power to do so.
His children are what really matters, if what you want is really that important to you, then yes it would be best for you to leave him so he can protect his children. It doesn't matter whether a child is biologically yours or not, as an adult it is our obligation and responsibility to do whatever is within our power to protect them from anyone who is harming them. Good Luck, I do know how hard it is. I wish you all the best sweetie.
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