A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have known my fiance for two and a half years. He moved to my town for work. We lived together until his contract ended and are now in a long distance relationship. We planned to marry in September. Last week however I felt as if my world had been turned upside down by a call from his ex-wife. She said that he had become so drunk on the Friday that he had hit their 12 year old son (who was visiting for the week), and chased him out of the house because of the child hiding his dad’s packet of cigarettes as a joke. The child called his mom from his mobile and the mom had to pick up the child in the street, his dad didn’t even know he’d gone, and when the mom called him the next day his phone was switched off, and he didn’t even call to find out where or how his child was. I called him that same Friday and he sounded as if he’d had a few drinks and wasn’t sober any more, but when I asked if he had been drinking he denied it and became angry with me for asking. I thought he was lying, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt until I got the call from the ex. So he had lied to me that day. When I asked him about what had happened later he said he had been drinking but the whole episode had been exaggerated, and the child has discipline problems which he feels are due to his mom’s influence. He admitted he had lied to me about the drinking that day and said it was because he was under pressure from work, the ex was getting on his nerves again and he didn’t feel able to handle any more grief from my side as well about his drinking habits.I believed I knew this man and could not reconcile this sort of behaviour with the person I planned to marry. I have seen him drink too much on occasion, anyone can overdo it sometimes, but never doing this sort of thing and certainly not anything that would harm his child.He has told me in numerous occasions that the ex has always been out to get him and her behaviour is malicious, and I’ve even been on the receiving end of a few unpleasant messages or calls myself so I know she can be quite nasty. He says she’s trying to keep his child away from him and ruin his relationships. The ex says he has always been behaving like that, to such an extent that she wanted sole custody, but he has always managed to fool people with his charm.Now I don’t know who to believe. I’m wondering what else he’s lied about and whether I’ve been too naïve or trusting to see it. I can’t imagine marrying a drunk, or someone that neglects or compromises the care of a child, and also not someone who’s a liar and manipulator. On the other hand maybe the ex is an even better manipulator or liar.I don’t know what to do and I can’t go through with the wedding with things as they are. I don’t live in the same town as they do so it’s difficult to know what’s really going on.
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drunk, ex-wife, fiance, his ex, liar, long distance, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Well, you know enough to be very weary. Like that last post. Take a little from her story, a little from his and your own intuition. from reading your story, the answer looks clear to me. This guy has problems and drinking is probably just the start of them. why would he lie about drinking if it wasn't a problem. you yourself said he can overdo it. I was in a long distance relationship for over 2 years with a man who I thought I knew. i uncovered a world that shocked me, devastated me. He sounds like trouble to me. Been there, done that. But if you must find proof, to know for yourself, you need to be more involved in his life. It doesn't sound like you know this man. alot of he said, she said. accusing someone of hitting a child is pretty big. don't wait until you have kids with him to find out or you become the punching bag. you should be involved in his interactions with his child, his ex, and his family so you see things for yourself and how they all interact with eachother. don't let him be your only source of information. seeing is believing. at the very least, I would postpone the wedding until I knew him better. it sounds like the truth is starting to reveal itself and it usually does in time.
A
female
reader, catcher00  +, writes (12 April 2011):
Take a little from her story, a little from his story, and the most important ingredient: Your own intuition and you'll have the answer.
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