A
female
age
30-35,
*teffy
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 7 months. From the moment I met him I felt that he was the one I would marry. We have been through a lot in the last year. My Nan got cancer (she is okay now), my Grandfather passed away, and I was suffering from stomach problems which weren't diagnosed for over 6 months (I'm slowly getting better now too). Now.... my parents are getting a divorce and it is messy. My father wants to take the house off us, he is lying and hiding things from the lawyers so he can get more of the assets than us. I am super close to my Mum so I cant bear to see her hurting and we are scared he will take our home - My mum only has a retail job unlike my father who earns $175K a year.Now me and my bf are fighting non-stop. I feel he isn't supporting me emotionally like he should. On a few occasions he has chosen to go and hang out with his friends when I have pleaded with him to stay with me because I was really upset over what was happening at home. And in the heat of some of our fights he has said some truly hurtful comments e.g. that I am like my dad, that I should start listening to my psychologist and that I can't have a pity party for myself every night and take things out on him.I admit in our fights I suggest we break it off, and always question his love for me. Mostly because I am having a hard time believing in love when my Dad says he loves us and is doing this. I plead with my bf to see it from my point of view but we always end up in the same fight where he thinks I'm too hard on him. Whereas I think he is being selfish in my time of need.I feel that his needs of going to the pub with friends or playing cricket don't compare to what I'm going through. Also he has confided in me that he is upset about his cousin who has had to see a psychologist because he is having a breakdown. My bf gets so upset by this, yet it seems he expects me to be understanding of him. All I can think is how can a cousin compare to my DAD DOING THIS TO US!It angers me, and makes me worried that he isn't capable of supporting me enough during emotionally hard times. Everything else in the relationship is really pretty good. But I have an anger in me over the things he has said to me, the fact I have had to fight him to be with me when his friends have a get together, and I feel his lack of empathy and patience. Yes I do take my anger out on him sometimes but I feel our perfect relationship, our status of being best friends and soul mates cant be true when he doesn't understand me (even though he thinks he understands).Should it be this hard when we apparently consider ourselves soul mates?Do you think I'm too hard on him?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 Thanks for the follow up Steffy. I have a bit to add.
When women are in difficulties they tend to team up to solve the problem. You and your mom are a team. you rarely mention each of you separately. It is always "us". You two against the World. Leaving Dad, one man teamed up against. He is all alone in this. Of course he treats you horribly, you have declared yourselves the enemy.
But there is more. The Mom Daughter Team is affecting your boyfriend relationship, and your future plans. You see you have to stay home with Mom because she needs your help to afford the big house. So if you do Marry you will have to both move in with Mom. Now I am going to tell you something that your boyfriend should have told you. He wants to be on your Team. But, he does NOT want to be on your Mom's team. He doesn't want to raise his kids in her home. He doesn't want to be quiet she she won't hear you two celebrating your anniversaries. He is pretty sure that the best team he can get is you and him.
Now let me tell you something about Mom's team. Without you her team would be easier to manage. She could take her share of the equity in the house and live in a smaller, easier to care for, lower bills Apartment. But she can't do that now because she has to take care of her "team". Because she is a Strong nurturing team building woman. It's not bad or wrong, it just IS.
This Is why my first comment was that you are taking a poor family pattern and building your new life to match it. Take a step back and see the whole picture. Make the most of your counseling. Don't automatically reject things that don't fit your world view. you don't have the best perspective.
FA
A
female
reader, Steffy +, writes (19 January 2017):
Steffy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, wow that was definitely hard to hear, but I understand and appreciate your perspective. And it has answered my question - I have been wayyyyyy too hard on him. I will be doing all I can to thank my bf for what he has given me already. And try to deal with all the hurt in me in a better way. I suppose I harbour a lot of jealousy over the fact he has a stable, good, big family and large group of friends who adore him. I try to go out with him to sports games and to visit his friends but I struggle with making new freindships these days. So will let him go on his own from now on so I don't bring him down. I already feel he is sick of me (even though he says he isn't). And for what its worth my Dad has been awful to us for years. When I have approached him about the divorce he just screams at me. He wont talk to us and he wont be honest to us. Both my bf and I still live at home with our respective families. So although its easy to say this is my mums problem, it feels like my problem too. She cannot afford the lawyers let alone the house when bills come in. I would love nothing more than to start a life with my bf and get married, and buy our own house but I feel like I am deserting my Mum the one person who has been there for me before my bf. And our family is small and tbh has not been very supportive - so Mum and I rely heavily on each other. Obviously my 'glowing personality' (insert sarcastic tone) isn't winning me any friends. I have far less than my bf so the pressure I put on him to be there with me is too much. I understand that. And I need to stop. It just hurts so much. Thanks for listening and telling me the truth.
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A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (19 January 2017):
Your bf needs a medal !! What for you may ask .. well he must have supported you through your grans cancer and your granddad death and then your stomach issue and you've only been together 1 year and 7 months . Do you know some long lasting marriages wouldn't survive that kinda of pressure .
Wallowing in self pity regarding your parents and saying his cousin mental breakdown is nothing compared to your dad wanting to take the house . Is really I'm so sorry to say low .. how can you compare the two ??
Your boyfriend does need his friends and a night down the pub . He does need to do things as do you ??
Being supportive of your mother .. I geddit .. being worried I geddit .. but acting like a spoiled princess is only going to push your boyfriend miles away if he isn't considering already ..
You do come over as slightly self centred .. and that the drama has to be you all the time .. you really need to try and calm that down .. you also have lovely aspects I feel .. you care support your mother and still love your dad though this is tricky .
You need to look at this more from the window looking in .. let your bf have some downtime . Go with him it will be hard and you will still fret over things but you may surprise yourself and have a little fun too ..
If your worries have an adult chat with your dad ask him to put the cards on the table .. your his daughter you are concerned so let him know .. politely respectfully but get it straight from the horsey mouth .
However you may not like what I have put ans I'm not I hope you feel taking a swing at you as I do think you have some lovely attributes just hidden at the minute by what your feeling. Please try and remember there is more than just you .. be the considerate girl that I think you would normally be . His cousin needs support as well .. try and offer your bf that if he needs it .
Take care sweetie
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): Try to imagine this the other way around.You are with a man whose family is being broken up by divorce. You and he have a pretty good relationship and you support him most of the time. Sometimes though, you want to see your friends and play the sport you have always played, but whenever you try to get a little time to yourself (which everyone is entitled to) your boyfriend argues with you and makes you feel so guilty, you end up staying with him instead, which makes you feel resentful. How do you think the way you treat your boyfriend makes him feel? Honestly, I don't understand your thinking on this. Your boyfriend is NOT 100% responsible for your well being. YOU ARE!!Yes, you should support each other, but this means that you say to him sometimes, 'Yes, of course, please go and see your mates and have fun. I'll see you later, or tomorrow.' That's you supporting HIM! How differently would he feel about you then? Someone who doesn't lean on him far too much, someone who also has thought for him and his life. Yes what you and your Mum are going through must be tough, but it's not all down to your boyfriend to make everything ok for you. And how can you control him like this and MAKE him stay with you and feel ok about it? Be less selfish and he will love you FAR MORE. At the moment I wouldn't be at all surprised if he decides he's had enough of your demanding ways. Other people are not put on this earth to cater to our every whim. He has a life outside of his relationship with you. I think if you carry on like this, he will leave and you will soon start to understand that your behaviour is, in my opinion, unacceptable.Also, you are old enough to have left home and be independent. You can still be a support to your Mum.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 January 2017):
 You start by saying we have been through a lot and all things you mention are about you. Are you emotionally available for him to talk about his problems, or is it all about you?
You mention that your father is trying to take your house. But it is not your house it is your parents home. Are you not old enough now to actually have moved out off home and started a life for yourself and your boyfriend? Surely at the stage off late twenties the apron strings should have been cut long ago? Off course it will upset you because you are close to your mum. But you should be their to comfort her in her hour off need and not make it all about you.
You have a psychologist, that is not your boyfriend, yes he should be their for you, but he should also have a life for himself, spend time with his friends and enjoy his life. You should actually start going out with friends as well and enjoying yourself you might be less bitter. Look you are not some child stuck in a divorcee you are a growing adult wanting attention from everyone and not supporting anyone but yourself.
I do feel sorry for your boyfriend, it is clear he loves you and that is why he is still with you, but it must be tough for him, you being so needy, you wanting him to reassure you all the time. You always telling him the relationship is over. That honey is emotional black mail, and you will wake up one day and he will have had enough and leave. Maybe you need to show him you love him. Support him more. In your post it is all me me me, your parents divorce is not about you it is about them.
You sound like a very selfish person. Your boyfriend is worried about his cousin and instead off you supporting him, you compare his problems to your own. Who does that? Nobody!! His cousin is having a tough time you should hear him out not talk about yourself all the time. You will drain the life out off him.
Do I think you are to hard on him? Yes I do, and I also think if you are not careful he will walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): You are an adult, and have to handle your parents' divorce with dignity and maturity. First-off, it's really their business; and your mother is going through enough dealing with it. You should be supporting her and giving her strength; rather than feeling pity for yourself. Sorry, sweetheart; but your boyfriend is right. It is time you be a woman, not a girl, and deal with it on an adult-level.
No, he does not have to sit home wallowing in your misery. You are not a child, and divorce is a fact of life. There is a big difference between handling a parental-divorce at 10, and being over 25! A 10 year-old has limited understanding, and must be protected emotionally. An adult-child can be of more assistance in moderating and being a referee between your parents.
Who's at your mother's side through all of this? Who can she turn to for strength, comfort, and support?!! Perfect job of a daughter!
Your boyfriend does have the responsibility of consoling and comforting you. But if you are constantly going from one crisis to the next; you are lucky he's still there at all!
You have no right to compare your issues to his. It's not up to you to decide how he should feel about his own kin; and of course people will say things they don't mean out of anger. If you're always in a puddle of tears and sorrow; he can't take it all the time. He has to come-up for air. He has problems of his own, and you have to have some backbone and sometimes handle yours by yourself. He's there only as support, not to be your backbone. Who's there for him?
If you have siblings and other close family-members; these are the times that families come together to support each other. We can't pile it all on our boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses. When you need comfort, you can also visit your grandparents, aunts, and uncles; who are surely full of love, and can give you some reassurance and tender loving care through your tough times.
Your boyfriend will grow weary, if your problems are constant and everlasting. He has but so much empathy and patience; until you become a burden. You should be thankful and grateful he has stuck by you this long. Most guys run for the hills and won't comeback; as soon as a few problems arise. Men just can't stand to be around a lot of weeping and emotional drama.
As for your father; this is the worst time you can turn against him. You should be neutral. You should mediate and calm him down. If you're picking sides; he will become even more estranged, and he will retaliate. Divorces are not pretty. They are volatile and tumultuous. Full of sorrow, guilt, anger, and regret. He is expressing his emotions through anger as men do; using cruelty and intimidation. He is also listening to a cut-throat divorce-attorney; whose job is to protect his client's assets through the divorce.
If you ever had a good relationship with your dad, you should use it to appeal to his conscience and let him know how it is tearing you and your mother apart.
Don't dump all this on your boyfriend. He's not at fault, and he doesn't have to suffer for the things occurring in your life. Nobody has to, outside your family-circle. If he needs to step outside the drama; he has every right to, sweetheart. He needs to reboot and turn to his friends for their support. He has to re-energize; because things at home just don't feel good. You can zap all of his energy-reserves, until he just decides enough is enough. They're your problems, not his. He's not your husband yet.
Of course, some advice you're given is going to say some mean and unkind things about him. I don't think that would be completely fair. If people have a limited support system, no friends, or an estranged family; that is no reflection on a boyfriend or girlfriend. Even a spouse is not expected to be burdened into total misery with you. At some point they need some relief; and given some appreciation for the support they have given thus far.
He has family and friends too, who will also look to him for everything you're expecting from him. He has to have something leftover to give.
So where are your friends and family during all of this???
One other thing. He has to see that the potential wife and mother of his kids can handle a crisis with, or without him. A good strong woman is a treasure, and hard thing to find these days! Men don't live as long as women, and females have a higher threshold of pain. Maybe society gives men credit for strength, because we have balls; but only a woman has a womb, and can push out another human being. Now that ain't weakness!!!
Soulmates is a concept made-up for Hallmark cards. There could be a dozen or more men out there whom fate and destiny has put aside to significantly touch your life at some point.
Life is a journey; full of turns, challenges, and unforeseen events. We gain strength and tools for survival through our challenges and losses. We are stronger when we come out on the other side of those hard times. It's a victory. We improve our immune-system in many ways, my dear.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 January 2017):
"Soul Mates" Don't constantly fight.
The concept of a "Soul Mate" is fictional.
You have grown up in a dysfunctional family, and you have followed the pattern to create a dysfunctional relationship. You should listen to your counselor more.
Your attachment to Mom, is not helping you. You are old enough to be on your own now.
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