A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 28, my ex-boyfriend is 30. We had been together for 4 years and have been apart for one year. The reason why we broke up was that I couldn't take the stress anymore from not trusting him. After two years we were together, he cheated on me; not just one-night-stand but he was cheating consciously for about 6 months. He begged for forgiveness and for another chance. I gave it to him because I still loved him and we stayed together for another year and a half. During this time, I was suspicious 24/7 - whenever he didn't answer my calls, whenever he didn't answer his phone in front of me, whenever he was texting, whenever he went out with his buddies, whenever he came home later than he promised...simply, I saw possible lies (which he indeed did) and possible cheating in every single thing he did. This was really stressful and exhausting and I finally gave up and quit because in my opinion he wasn't really showing any improvements. The actual break up, however, wasn't that easy. It took me about a year to finally leave him because he kept me with him by promising various changes and asking for more chances and I so wanted to believe him...Now, one year after the final break up, we started talking to each other as friends again and hang out together every now and then. He finally told me (while he was crying) why he cheated. He swears it was the only affair he had while we were together and he keeps apologizing for hurting me and says "I owe you my life for dealing with my s#%t." What is meant by that? Cheating wasn't the only issue in our relationship. He married the mother of his child (in order for her to obtain citizenship) two months after him and I begun dating but he didn't tell me about it. When I found out, I was crazy in love because he was my first true big love and I forgave him. Although he and his wife didn't live together, she hated me and didn't want me to be around their child which was the source of many problems and lies on his side. He had to compromise between my demands and those of his child's mother. To my dislike, I felt as I usually was the one who "lost". I didn't like that he was going to her house (to hangout with his child), that they were going to the parks together, to movies (with the child), shopping together, doing laundry together, etc. He always claimed he was doing it for his child. Although I love his child and treated it as if it was mine, I argued that there are many couples who have children together which, however, doesn't mean they have to do all these things together as if they still were a couple. He always said that I can't understand because I don't have my own child...Now, he says he's changed a lot. He's (supposedly) divorced, he's got a better job, he's generally doing better, and he wants me back. I'd like to give it a try since I still can remember the good times we had and I have a feeling that he thought about his mistakes and that he did change but I am afraid that I never will be able to trust him again. Maybe I’m just being naive and want to believe he's changed and when I realize my mistake, it'll too late because I'll be trapped in his lies and fake promises again.Finally, my question is: do people change? Can this relationship work now when it didn't work the first time? Shall I take the risk that I'll get myself again into a relationship full of lies and disrespect and the risk that I'll waste a few more years with him just to find out he hasn't changed?
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